Serious advices please as im on the verge of falling out with my mother.

[Blackeyedplonker]

(Ive changed my name cos im too embarrassed to reveal my true nickname cos of my mum! )

cos of her ex! (or maybe he isnt an ex but whether mum is telling the truth which i dont care anymore!)

My mum started seeing this guy since 2005. Ive never liked him cos theres summat i dont like about him but i got on with him for my mums sake..same as my brother who he had only started to get on with him for the past year.

This guy is a bully to my mum and he got a temper, ive seen him with the temper and it is scary. He had smashed the living room's ornaments and pictures up. He got a 10 foot long criminal record cos of his fighting history which my mum doesnt know that i know cos my aunty had told me but i put that to one side.

BUT

just before Xmas day just gone, my mum had told him a few times last year (08) to get out cos he doesnt pay anything towards the housekeep as she pays for everything and he is always borrowing money off mum too (he buy cars, fixed them, tart them up and then sell them), but if mum asked for any money, he turns nasty.

He started to sleep on the sofa in Oct and my mum asked him loads of times when he was going to move out but it was always "next week". He eventually moved out but was coming back to pay bits off the money that hes owes to her and he slept on the couch a few times too!!.

Now, on xmas eve, he thought that he was still in a relationship with mum and was having dinner together but my mum was coming here so he threatened to put our window thru if mum came here - it was an empty threat. Then 2 days later he told mum that if she was a fella, he would smashed her face in!! (i found out that he had already said that back in feb & oct which she called the police in oct to get her fella out but they just put that on their records as it was just a minor dispute). my mum ran out of the house to her sisters crying so her sister told mum to call the police once and for all, which my aunty had to put the phone in my mums hand to call them which this time they had to come and get him out properly so he collected all his stuff and went. He was warned to stay away.

After that he asked my mum to MARRY him!!! WTF??!!!, my mum is living on her own in her rented house but cant afford it but is looking for a lodger or she is on the verge of being homeless, she does not wants to move now cos she had moved so many times over the years. (since my parents divorced)

I couldnt get hold of her on Saturday and i found out yesterday that she had spent the day with him! cos she is feeling lonely!. i said to my mum which one is important - him saying he would smashed your face in if you was a fella or be on your own!! She had rang me today and acted like nothing.

ive had enough cos this drama had been going on for too long as my mum makes a big drama and then suddenly she acted everything is fine! .

Hes a bully, he had cheated on my mum twice by going out on 2 blind dates with 2 different woman, he blackmailed and threatened mum, she told me that she is terrified of him. she looks ill all the time and she doesnt listen.

Ive been in that type of situation with an ex of my own years ago but he didnt threatened me so i feel like slapping her to wake up. She intends to bury her head in the sand when things starting to go wrong.

Her twin sister committed suicide 5 yrs ago, we and her family had tried to help her to get counselling but she told the docs that she didnt want it, her sisters (my auntys) dont bother with her as often which i dont blame them as they dont like him and i just found out that he went to court in 07 cos he was arrested for being a pheaopile (sp?..cant spell it) but was found not guilty. mum stood by him. that is making me abit iffy but anyone can be accused of that, am i right?.

I heard that when he was young, he was a luntic.

My mum needs serious counselling but i cannot force her and i told her that she got to be on her own and learn to be on her own as she is never on her own, going from one relationship to the other without a break. Her last BF was crap and was a drinker, BF before that was married and she didnt know and thats when she started to get depressed and stopped listening (before my aunty died).

she picked CRAP men!!

i feel like saying "mum, dont bother coming here" as if her sisters find out that she is going out with him again, they will disowned her. I havent told my brother yet as he just came back from holiday and he will start calling the fella a dickhead again but my brother hadnt got a chance to stand up to him cos this fella is an ex-champion bodybuilder.

ive tried everything to help mum ie looking for somewhere to stay cheaper, come here to live if desperate!.

i havent yet told her what i exactly think of her relationship, him, ie as i thought she clicked on.

its making me feel miserable!

I'm so sorry to hear this, BP. It must be really hard to watch your mother being taken for a ride again and again.

The really hard thing is, and I think you already realise that, from what you've said, you know what she must do to turn her life around - ie learn to live on her own without depending on always having a man around, however sh** that man may be; seek counselling to learn strategies to cope on her own and understand why she picks crap men and how to stop doing it - and most importantly, tell this man to go and MEAN it.

Sadly, if you keep trying to force her, you may drive her away as she will not want the constant confrontations. You have reversed roles - you are the adult and she is being sadly adolescent in her behaviour and bad choices. She probably has very low self-esteem and does need professional help to understand herself and make positive changes.

The best thing I can think of would be to simply state what you think of her current partner/expartner in calm, polite terms, that you would really like her cut him out of her life as he is a threat to her and to her family, to seek professional help. Try not to get too emotional when you talk to her, but say firmly that IF and WHEN she is prepared to seriously get her life on track, you will be there to offer her every support you can.

And then, I am afraid, you will have to leave her to get on with it - whatever she decides. If she admits this man back into her life, you have to face the fact that it is her choice, and you can't change it.

I really hope your mum can find the strength... If it's any comfort, she sounds like she has a great daughter. I hope my DD would be as supportive of me in the same situation, as you obviously are of your mum. Let us know how things go.

yes i know that i cannot force her to do anything but lately i have cos he was gonna come round and smash my window.

yes i do need to sit her down and talk to her properly but will she listen as she stopped listening when she was with the married guy for 4 yrs, i knew he was iffy. since then, its the same thing.

i know she will get rid of him when she is ready but she did say that she was depressed since her twin died, but i said she had been depressed before that when she was with the married guy, i never seen her sooo happy in a very very long time.

i told her to stay away from men for at least 6 months or even better a year to sort out a few things in her life before she can go forward.

its completely pissing me off.

im gonna have to say to her that i dont want to hear about their arguements and threats ie anymore.

yes i will let you know but hope it doesnt go on forever.

He sounds a thoroughly nasty piece of work - and he's taking advantage of your mum's vulnerability. Poor woman, and poor you.

Keep a record of all threats or attacks he makes. I know the police didn't act before, but really, they have to if he continues. If they don't, contact your local councillor or MP - if they're good, they will contact the police directly and ask them to investigate his behaviour and take appropriate action. Sometimes just giving him a talking to may help. Try not to let your brother overreact to - much as he may want to punch this man's lights out, that won't help.

How old is your mother? She must be feeling very depressed if she has lost a child, no wonder she's tempted to get back with this man just for some comfort and company. You are right, she probably won't want to listen to you - because you are telling her things she knows jolly well are true, but she doesn't want to hear them! Perhaps you could write it all down (that would help prevent you losing your rag with her out of sheer frustration). Write it all down, write down how you love her and hate seeing her so unhappy and so brought down by her male relationships, and write down what you are prepared to do to help, and what you would like HER to do to seek help. Also write down that you don't want to hear her complaints about this or any other man unless and until she is prepared to also start working towards helping herself. Give that to her, and maybe, if she reads it quietly on her own, the message will get through. Also, it will then be there for her to read over again, rather than talking, where the words, once spoken, are gone.

Keep in touch, and let us know how things go.

hmmm...yes, good thinking as a letter will be a good idea.

This guy is a nutcase so he won't listen to anyone.

(it was her twin who had died and my mum is nearly 60. Whenever my mum had problems before her twin died, my mum used to go to her for advices, she said she feels she got noone now )

Keep a record of threats the man makes against you and report them to the police. If he harasses you he can be arrested. As others have said, this is a horrible situation for you because unfortunately you can't force your mum to cut him out of her life.

well guess wha!

2 weeks ago i could'nt get hold of her and turned out that she had spent the day with the knobhead cos she was feeling lonely, so i told her that she got to be careful if he find out she is using him for company, he will flip! (she hadnt hurt him yet and already had threatened her).

Mum said that he said he didnt intentionally meant it of what he had said to her!!! WTF!!!

so i asked her if she is back with him but she said no (but i could tell she was lying)
but is after her money off him.

so i told noone as i cant be bothered with the same thing over and over again.

My aunty rang me 2 days ago and she had to drive past mums house every morning to go to work on her usual route and had seen the knobheads car parked outside my mums everyday @ 8am for the past 2 weeks so looks like hes back home. My aunty had left 2 messages on my mums mobile but not heard from her yet.

i am furious now as she is lying to me (again and again and again). On Wed, she asked me to go to hers on Friday morning (today) but i could'nt as i had to pick my daughter up from school so she said that she was coming here instead and she will ring me on Friday morning, i've not heard from her all day so looks like she ain't coming.

i dont want to cut her out of my childrens lives but i am not in the mood to see her as i cant be bothered with her being all so upset and dramatic, her ringing me and staying in touch and then suddenly i dont hear from her for weeks when it suited her and its the same with the rest of her family as she is always saying that they don't get in touch with her BUT she does'nt get in touch with them and she ignore their calls when they have tried to get in touch.

what shall i do next??

bump

Good grief, you at least need a break. Cutting her out can happen in stages. Right now I think you need to work on emotional detachment.
Good luck and remember to keep respect for yourself (and dc) since she obviously won't

You are quite right not to want to be an emotional prop for your mum - that's not an acceptable role for a child (whatever their age).
If she chooses to live in a high octane drama situation, then she needs to accept the lows as well as the highs, but there's no payback for you in all this!
You need to tell her that she needs to accept the consequences of her actions and that she cannot use you to run to when it all gets too much - it's not for you to live in fear as a result of all this!