Sensitive family matter re childcare - how do I broach it?

[notalot]

I've had a very difficult relationship with my parents, particularly my dad, since the birth of my first ds. I suppose it was difficult before then but I could keep them at arms length. When my ds was born I was a single parent and had to live with them and I suppose our problems really kicked in then, they were supportive in practical terms, but always used it as an excuse to tell me how to raise DS1 and expected constant thanks.

It has now come to ahead 6 years later and I don't even live with them anymore. I feel like I want to tell my mum I don't want her to look after DS2 (I'm with new DP now and we have another child) anymore. She looks after him one day a week whilst I work. I just don't know how to tell her without it all ending in a huge arguement.

The problem lies with they way they treat me, especially in front of and in regard to my dc's, and particularly my dad. They undermine me, constantly do the opposite of what I ask in terms of food (give the dc's chocolate etc in front of me when I've said they've had enough etc) and my dad often calls me 'horrible mummy' to the dc's.

Last week DS2 (who is 1) was banging his head, on purpose, and I mentioned I was concerned. My dad said 'He does it because he's bored with you and you don't stimulate him enough, he doesn't do it for us.' This sent me over the edge and I just left, fuming, and I've been upset ever since and have not spoken to them. I'm knackered with lack of sleep, stressed and anxious because of numerous health problems with DS2 and my dad knows this but still chooses to say something so hurtful. I feel like spending time with him is bordering on masochistic so I just can't do it anymore.

My mum defends him and says he's just winding me up but it feels like he really just doesn't like me very much. I'm not a brilliant mother, but I'm certainly not terrible. I try my best. Sorry I'm venting now. Anyway, thanks if you've got this far. Anyone know how I can tell my mum all this without totally upsetting her?

I don't think there is a way of doing it without having to be honest.

I think you need to say something like

"I've really appreciated the support you (mum) have given me over the years, but dad's behaviour is very hurtful. I find his criticism of the way I bring up ds 1 and 2 particularly difficult.

I think that it would be best if I arrange for a childminder to look after ds2 each week and then you and dad can enjoy seeing the boys without the pressure of it being a weekly occurrence".

What do you think?

That's a good response littlefish, I think the appreciating her support is good, because I really do. Thanks.

I'm not sure she's going to be happy about the fact that they're not going to see the DC's as often - in fact when I mentioned the fact I was getting a CM for the other days I work she said 'I'm still having him on X though'.

It's a real strain talking to her because she doesn't like to talk about emotional things, in fact she will avoid it at all costs, so being honest with her about my dad is going to be difficult. He is her husband after all. Feeling very that it has come to this. I've been trying to keep it peaceful for so long.

i honestly think wherever possible that family members should not provide childcare

littlefish's response is excellent

your priority is your children TBH

Yes it's going to be difficult for her to talk about, but not talking about it isn't going to make the issues go away. In fact, in my experience of conflict situations, the emotions just go underground, smoulder and fester, and then at some point, will inevitably explode in a far more damaging way.

It would be good to try and talk to your mum somewhere neutral. Could you arrange to meet her for coffee somewhere, just the two of you?

You need to acknowledge her feelings when you're talking to her. ie. I know this is very difficult for us to talk about, but it's important because you're a very important part of mine and the children's lives."

Make it really clear that you're not trying to stop her seeing the dc's but that it is just not acceptable for your dad or her to be criticising you in front of them. You could also say something like "I know that you would probably bring the dc's up slightly differently, but DP and I have talked a lot about how we want to bring up the children and we would like you to respect our decisions. This means x & y etc."

Yep, you're right. There is alot of unresolved tension and resentment between us that comes from my childhood. I don't want to stop them seeing my dc's, I just don't want to be made to feel like s**t while facilitating their relationship with their gc's.

My DP is sure that they're trying to correct their mistakes through my children and resent me for being a barrier to them 'getting it right' a second time round. The thing is my children are my priority and I don't want them to be used to correct the past. Which is, if I admit it to myself, what my parents are doing.