What sort of relationship is possible after divorce?

[mocca]

There are a lot of us here who?ve been badly hurt and disappointed after divorce. I?d like to ask, what are the views on being in another relationship after such a traumatic experience? Is anyone looking to marry/co-habit again, do some of you feel that you just don?t want one ever again or is there maybe something in between, like seeing someone a couple of times a week and doing quality stuff together and whilst being faithful, not moving in with eachother.

My ex-H left two years ago and I'm just coming out of a relationship that lasted around 9 months. We fell in love and got engaged very quickly and then both got incredibly cold feet. He wants to get back together and I?m wondering if it can work on the basis of just seeing how it goes ? it?s made me realise how much I love my own space/independence, my DD and friends and actually the idea of co-habitation/marriage fills me with dread! I think I just got swept away because he was crazy about me and my ex-H was such an arse and treated me with complete indifference.

I wouldn?t want to run the risk of being financially involved with someone again either ? I?ve worked hard to be financially secure and have seen too many friends lose so much through divorce settlements. I was lucky because my ex and I just agreed to keep what was ours before we got married. Am I just being cynical or realistic?

divorced too
dont see marriage or co-habiting again as an option
but tbh dont know what will happen in future
lots has happened to me in the last year to make me realise that
just happy to have a BF for now and see how it goes

After split up with husband I got involved with someone else very quickly (too quickly). It was heart racing, wonderful stuff, he was beautiful, clever and sexy. But he was a nightmare with money. Having achieved a hard won financial settlement from ex, I needed to use that money and my salary to provide for me and dds, and I could see that new partner would drain every penny I had. It just wasn't worth it.

I got my own place and swore I would never be in a serious relationship again. Then I met my current dp. I was scared, fiercely independent and probably very difficult, but we got on so well, and I learned to trust him. We each kept our own houses for many years, although we spent all our time together, and eventually after 10 years I took the giant step of combining our resources and we have now bought a house together. This year, after 13 years together, we are getting married.

That's a heartening story and I'm so pleased you were able to learn to trust again. Not rushing things is obviously the right way to go about it if you feel someone could be right. Can I ask how old you are? I'm 51 (although I feel and look much younger) and some people are telling me I'm too old to bother with men anymore!

notsoclever thats a great story
its good to hear that you were able to start again
mocca what?

Divorced
Hideous Custody Battle
Lost support of all family as they sided with XH

Married again
have lovely DS
Life v v good.

Things can get better girls, you mustn't lose the thoght that you can be happy in a relationship again.

Divorced after 26 year marriage.
Had a madly sexy fling with a man for 2 years but we kept it on the low as our teenage kids were friends with each other. Left that country and came back to UK... met one guy whom I really liked but he was just messin... not big deal, no broken heart or anything...
Then I met present BF. Adore him, he adores me, we live 2 hours apart. Both of us have a child each that we are still raising single handedly.. He comes to me when he can but work etc, child raising, schools... at first we both spoke of moving in together at mine but we both got cold feet about what changes would have to take place. I love my independance... love seeing him, love being apart... ha ha ha... I'd love him to move in next door but not actually live with me. I've gone and got selfish over these past few years. I don't have the power anymore to adapt to someone elses whims. I like it just the way it is...

Hi Kally, long time no hear! Glad it's still going well and what a great arrangement. Funny I had an LDR and we got engaged and then got similarly cold feet! Don't know what's going to happen now, he's 3+ hours away and it's really difficult (lots of issues). But agree, the thought of living with someone again is scary. Very scary.

left ex 3 years ago, on own ever since, first relationship quite recently, really happy but don't see any need to live together or merge finances etc. We've both had dc, so priorities are different. I don't believe in marriage and never have. I must say this is one of the happiest times in my life though

My H and I decided to seperate last september. He said he would move out after xmas, he's still here, I asked him yesterday how the flat hunting was going and he told me he wasn't looking He said he would be gone by the summer.. I couldn't hide my horror... THE SUMMER I said, make it easter.

There is no one else involved in our breakup, but the thought of being involved with someone else fills me with dread!

At the moment I feel I need to concentrate on our children aged 10 and 12.

for me its early days...

I love your stories that have happy endings ladies...

RumMum
how are you coping with that
my exh stayed under the same roof for nearly a year
sorry for hijack mocca

ASBM... He is now sleeping on the sofa.. (since just before Xmas) cooks all his own meals, and does his own washing.
we still get on OK, I think its easier as no one else is involved.
We still had his parents and mine for xmas dinner which supprisingly went ok...
I have created this environment thought where he does F#*k all.. no house work, staying in bed till lunchtime at weekends (actually... thats normal) and just gets up and goes out... its like having a lodger!

I can't wait for him to leave thought!

Funny, my ex stayed for quite a few months, slept in the loft and out most of the day but glad when he left. I even helped him recoup after a hernia op! Hope yours doesn't hang around too long RumMum. And glad to see that living together isn't considered necessary to having a good relationship.

My H has left, we are divorcing, cant even contemplate the thought of another man in my space! Get on as well as can be expected with H. He has been round all evening for sons b day but he is so self absorbed he didnt even notice that I have just had all my long blond hair cut off!! Nothing changes.....

Divorced 8 years ago - had 5 years of being single, it was absolutely fantastic and I was very, very, very happy. I had such fun and had no-one else to consider (no DC with ex H), I had a ball. Then met DP, we've been together for 3 years this year, got preggie with DD very quickly (probably too quickly actually) moved in together 2 months before I gave birth....I don't think either of us really wanted to but it seemed the right thing to do and are now a happy family.

My house is rented though, I still cant bring myself to sell it. I don't want to be totally reliant upon someone else if ever the chips are down and I need to live life with my DD independantly. I think once you've been self sufficient, it's really hard not to safeguard yourself against the problems you've experienced in the past.

That said I love my DP and we're very happy.

I look at it like this:
I have priorities. Still have a youngish child to raise. I work, struggle to pay bills etc, just like anyone else. I have grown up kids abroad that visit me/I them, I don't have to consult/ask/reason with anyone anymore. All my choices are my own. No influence from anyone. No one comments on the WRONG decisions I make. Suits me just fine.
BF comes along and I can focus purely on what we have out of this weird relationship, long chats, laughs, eating together, and good sex. Do I want more than that? I guess not, otherwise I would pursue it more. At first I thought he was stalling but really it was me and him together and once you realise this and simply enjoy each other your expectations are not as high, you are less dissappointed, there is less friction and you learn to deal with trust issues (a big problem I had and have overcome). We have been at this for 2 years now and it just gets better each time we meet. It is what I need right now at this time in my lfe. No more, no less. But I must admit when I first set out as a single person again I was totally confused. Sort of 'what? now I have to search for a new husband/partner/lover?'... Then is dawned on me... no, I don't have to, I can do exactly as I please. No mind set, no mould, to 'position' to fulfill. Just me and him enjoying each other.

Thanks for your post Kally, it couldn't have come at a better time. Am thinking of continuing relationship with BF but purely on the basis you describe! Ours is weird too - he lives 200 miles away, we're from different backgrounds, totally different temperaments and he has loads of baggage but when we're together, it's absolute heaven.

But if we were together all the time, I know it wouldn't be - then I'd have to deal with all his issues about work and kids and a lot of the joy would probably go out of it. I was elated when he asked me to marry him but I can see now that it was only because after years of being with a husband who ignored all my emotional needs, I'd met a man who was crazy about me.

divorce is very traumatic and I imagine everyone who goes through it says 'never again'. However, life goes on.
I went through an awful divorce and my ex was a complete arse and left me with loads of debts. Having worked for the last 10 years as a family lawyer specialising in divorce it made me very cynical and there was no way I was going down THAT route again. I spent a few years in crap relationships and then met my wonderful DH. We met online and 5 months to the day after 'meeting' we married. That was 3 1/2 years ago and we now have a beautiful DD and are expecting our DS in 26 days (I know, I'm very sad to be counting the days!)
Had I stuck to my initial decision of never again, I would have missed so much.
It will happen when the time is right. I was not looking when I found my wonderful DH. Good luck to you all who are looking for 'the one' x

I think it depends on what 'stage' you are in life as well. I have had my children, two grown up and independant and little one still growing... BF did ask if at any point I would like to have more kids... I thought about it and said 'No'. 'Not realistic really'.. (Don't think it would happen now anyway since I am a bit old now) (had little one when I was 41). But the desire was there, to procreate with this new man. That in itself and knowing that he would like to, was enough. I didn't have to follow through but it was an indicator of 'if I could I would'... But the very fact that we are together just because we 'like, love, whatever you want to call it' being with each other, no plans, no big expectations.. it's simple and sweet. He never says anything demanding (only that I be faithful) and doesn't try try to change a single thing about me, nor me him. He can be highly irritating as he's very tidy an clean and Mr. Predictable, and I am the dead opposite (well, I am clean) but he never expects change, neither would I change him. Theres no need, we don't live together fulltime! Its got so many advantages!

so lovely to hear the 'happy ending' stories. i am going through a divorce and am finding it heartbreaking as it wasnt my choice to split, even though now i realise it is for the best i loved him so much. I do wonder if i will ever love again like i loved my husband. your thread has given me some hope that one day agin i will be happy.

Yes you will be happy again LL and it will probably happen when you least expect it....so when your feeling sad try and look forward to feeling happy again.

You'll be OK laughlots, I was in bits, today two years later I'm happy inside and the best thing is I know I can be content on my own. Just trying to work out how a man can fit into my life and I do hope one can! The posts here certainly give me hope and from now on, I'm just going to try and take things as they come.