Should he not want to be more involved with baby?

[CherryChoc]

Sorry if this is a bit of a rant.

I have got a gorgeous 3 month old DS with my fiance, who I live with. But I feel like I am doing 99% of the work here - he never seems to pick him up of his own accord (even when crying - his playstation seems more important, and I'm sorry but I play computer games too and there is a pause button for a reason!) or even request a cuddle, let alone volunteer to do any changing or comforting or walking around with him in the middle of the night.

Is this normal? I can understand not volunteering for the "nasty" jobs, (although I was expecting him to want to help out more, even if just at the beginning for the novelty factor!) but he barely ever picks his son up or cuddles him unless I give him to him and say "here have a cuddle". And then he moans if he gets the slightest bit of dribble on his hand

I am breastfeeding so he can't help out with that, and he was all excited when I first expressed some milk to be able to bottlefeed him, but the second time we tried expressed milk he didn't seem bothered and I ended up doing it. I am confused by this because he always seems jealous of me breastfeeding, if I dare to go to the toilet at the crucial moment that DS wakes up hungry, he makes a comment implying that I am starving him and well it's not his fault, it's not like he can feed him.

I know he works hard at work all day (sometimes doing long hours) and I will admit I'm not very good at keeping up with the housework, but I am working on it and I just think it's a shame that he doesn't seem to want to spend time with him. It's also making me feel a bit lonely, I expected to be going into this together, sharing the hard parts etc and I just don't feel that is happening.

sadly it is normal.
men tend to get moreinvolved when the child reacts more to them. of course not all men are the same. but it is well within the range of normal.

As stitch says, all quite normal. Wait until he is really responding to him and he will start to come into his own. Newborn babies are very boring to DH's and siblings. Only women really coo over them!

Sorry cherrychoc you feelin bad about this. I have heard that some men do what stitch has said. My DH was quite good but was markedly better when he was able to bottle feed him (I AM not suggesting you shoud stop BF).

Have you told him you NEED him to help YOU like you have up above, I know this seems obvious but i had to confront my DH about something in our mariage adn its took me two months to sort out and we dont have demands of a newborn.

Have you tried stepping back a bit? Or even asking him to look after DS while you pop to shop? He should step up a bit now TBH and it is hard to get tough with a DP when you have LO. HTH

though - DH wasn't given much choice, I made him get involved early even though he didn't think it was that much fun - I also made him stop talking about "when DS is 4 or 5" like he was wishing these early years away.

When we started baby swimming, DS was ~5mo - we were going to take it in turns to swim with him. I did the first one, DH did the 2nd and then said - you can do the rest. I have no clue what he was expecting DS to be able to do at that age but he clearly didn't live up to "fun level" expectation!!

Even now DS is 13mo, I still have to remind DH to look at his son when he is doing something, rather than keep his eyes glued to the tv - it is such a man thing. bloody irritating though!

Oh yes thumb - I heard my DS3 talking to DH today when they were watching a film and DS followed by saying 'talk to me daddy', I actively send DS to ask/tell DH stuff! heee heee. He does do his bit but it anoys me when he forgets to 'feed' him somethinh appropriate or cant open a fecking draw to find something oooooh i'm offff on one..........................

i would try being very upfront about this but not getting too narky... he may be a bit unsure and lacking in confidence about handling the baby.

maybe some bonding exercises like taking a bath with him and/or baby massage would get things moving forward.

say something like-

'i've heard that massage is really good for relaxing babies before bed and i think you would be excellent at it so i've got some oil for you to try '

lots of positive feedback afterwards.

also lots of 'oh you're so good with him' 'look how he responds so well to you' etc etc

I have to say as well that DH and DS had a very good bond very early on (I like to think because of my bullying tactics !), where some DC only seem to really connect with their dads at around 8-9mo. DH absolutely loved that DS knew who he was and would look for him and smile from a very yound age. The benefits are there to be had... if he puts the effort in.

My DH was very much like this. He seemed scared of dd2. Which I really couldn't understand as he took on dd1 at ten months old and he was great with her. He would change her nappies and feed her and everything. Even though she wasn't his and he didn't have to do anything for her. He genuinely enjoyed spending time with her. Yet he seemed to ignore dd2 when she came along.

Now she is 18 months and can smile and giggle and play games he is much happier to be involved with her.

I agree with everyone here - but I don't think the male way of doing things lets them off being lazy buggers. He or anyone [male or female] may not dig babies and even have jelous feelings towards them, but they can still get on with making tea and generally being nice! Why wouldn't they? You are still you and your relationship is still the most important thing in the house, and you are still worth all the effort and care you ever were.

Mind you I am in full grumpy princess mode tonight so maybe I'm hard on the dp's.

Sounds just like my Dh was. Now forward to 10 mths and he gets up with the baby to give me a lie in, I can go out and leave him with the baby - even for a night out!

Speaking to parents over the years, this is very normal. I think BF doesn't help with this imo, i bf for 8 months. PLus when your lo is more interactive [like a video game] he will be more involved - that is unless you have a knobber for a fiance which i'm sure you don't!

Not sure I agree with everybody on here. There are plenty of men who do take naturally to parenting, and plenty of others who make themselves do things whether they like them or not. Hand on heart, do even we mothers always feel like dropping everything and responding to our babies' needs? I know I didn't, and I still did do things. As did dh.

Saying it's a bloke thing seems to me like letting them off the hook.

I think a lot of it is about how you start with the newborn. Dh was very involved from the first hour. In fact more so than me when ds was born, because I had a caesarian and was quite ill. I didn't get to change a nappy until several days in; dh did them all.

I think the best way is if you can start sharing everything (apart from breastfeeding, obviously) from the moment of birth. Since this is too late for the OP, I'd suggest gradual changes. Not trying to send him on a guilt trip (you don't care for ds) but gradually asking him to do more and more little jobs with him, starting with the nicer ones and working your way up. Try to be calm and firm with him.

I agree Cory - life doesn't let us bob in and out just doing the bits we like does it? I don't think men should be excused from helping and trying to be helpfull, from being supportive and respectful. But then like I say, fully grumpy hormone bitch at mo so I may just be feeling mutinous. On the whole though, my dh is just expected to muck in, and does. Sometimes badly and sometimes with a face on, but the will to contribute to the happy household is there.

Totally agree with Cory! I wouldn't say this is "normal", I would say rather that it is not unusual for SOME blokes to be totally useless with babies, especially if they are allowed to get away with it; but that it is equally normal - and much better for you as a family - for them to do a fair share both of the jobs and of the communication/bonding/ nurturing stuff. After all you are BOTH parents now, not just you. Obv. if he is working you will end up doing more of the childcare, but that is no reason for you to have to do everything at times when he is not working as well, and definitely no reason for him to be totally uninvolved. I would talk it over with him, remind him he is now a dad and that you should be in this together, and see if he pulls his socks up.

Thanks everyone, glad there is some hope and he's probably just wiped out from work and doesn't feel like putting effort in for what he feels is no return. I will have to start nudging.

He does do baths with DS, as it's the only way he will have a proper bath without screaming the house down (even with me). I just have to remind him and last week ended up running the bath myself, though he did complain it was too cold so perhaps he will do it this week! He is also better at winding than I am so usually gets that job. (Although up until a few days ago winding hasn't been a big issue with DS)

I can get him to cuddle him etc if I sit him next to him on the sofa or something, and we did have a system when DS was first born where we took turns with nappy changes - I think the problem is that although I was on bed rest for about 3 days after the birth, he works for himself so was practically back at work after that. And in the first few days all we really did was nappies and feeding, so he left before it got difficult!

The other thing I find hard is that sometimes he is doing something and I need to point him gently in a different way of doing it, like doing a nappy too loose so it leaks, but if I say anything he gets all offended and decides I think he is useless and refuses to do it again - but if I don't, I'm making more work for myself later because he won't be there to change his clothing.

I had better think up some harmless things he can do and heap on the praise! Perhaps we could go swimming next weekend or something.

I think this is dreadful. it's 'men are useless at anything domestic/child based' which is bollox. give him the baby and let him get on with it. my dh also does things like puts the nappy on too loose but you just have to kindly persevere. don't ask, tell. you need to change his nappy. will you run his bath. don't accept 'i'm too tired' or whatever...

Sounds like he lacks confidence and maybe gives up from fear? Loads of praise a great idea.

Ah the ways of womanhood, parent to a new baby and a new daddy!! My dh will need a flow chart to nagivate the washable nappies I've bought

sorry you're having a hard time cherry. My dh went on a biz trip for 2 weeks 2 days after the delivery

B reastfeeding didn't really work in my case so he could very well give her the bottle...but he went on another 2 biz trips.

I then squared him up and asked him why he wasn't getting involved and he said babies don't really do it for him. Well, I guess it's as stitch and others said: men will care more when baby reacts. Mine is 3mths now and she coos and aahs at him, he has baths with her and takes her out in a baby carrier proud as Larry

I don't mean to butt in but at 3mths, could you not express milk and let him give the baby the bottle? Also, try not to tell him 'hold him like this, don't do it that way, etc' Both my Dh and I have different ways of speaking and caring to/for baby but she doesn't mind and I am not the baby police..LOL

It'll change, give him a chance, don't nag him, maybe if you can't get round the feeding issue, why not say only he has to do bath time, or baby massage, or 1h of playtime with him?

Chin up!

It IS a bloke thing but that doesn't mean they are being let off the hook - my DH certainly wasn't/isn't!

Understanding where it comes from doesn't mean you have to go "oh well that's that then" - you can still work on training them to be more useful.

Well said *thumbwitch", do train your man cherry. Gently, gently, it will work. Just rope him into everyday tasks and once he thinks he's great at something with your LO he won't leave him alone

May I recommend you read: The Mask of Motherhood by Susan Maushart? It's really done it for me and Dh.

It's like mother/parenting prep for the children's toddler years isn't it? Practice on the dp/dh first during the baby months. Maybe there is a grand plan somewhere afterall.....

All totally normal male reaction I'm afraid to say.

As you have started expressing then the best solution I can offer is to leave the house and leave your DH to it, even if it's just to go to the library or sit in the Morrisons cafe ( believe me I have done both of those)

You may not want to be parted from your DS even for a short period of time, but believe me it's the only guaranteed way to get your DH to step up to the mark. Even now with our DS nearly 3 I am still the default parent when we are both around, mainly because I spend more time with DS ( I work 4 days a week so its not that much more) and am more willing to respond to his needs. Therefore I make a point of having DH responsible for certain chores like taking DS for haircuts and try to give them some time alone together.

Also he may well put the nappy on wrong, but I'm afraid you might be better just to grit your teeth and leave the room. Just make sure he is the one to replace all the clothing and give DS the bath/wash down when wee gets everywere.

it will get much much better once your DS is able to interact, then you will decide to have another one and be back to square one again .

Haha, yes, you are right thumbwitch, I do want to train him and not just let him off the hook. I think he gets me through guilt - "I've been at work all day and you have spent all day on the computer" - which has been true, however his idea of training me is moaning about everything which doesn't help! So I am training myself to be better at housework etc (which reminds me, after this post I WILL NOT go back online until I have tidied up!)

But it is nice to know it isn't a bad sign for the future and that there is hope after all. Am hoping to be able to go and get my hair cut next week on his day off so will definitely get expressing and inform DF that he will be in charge!

Kat, I don't think that all men are useless at householdy/baby things, in fact my DF is quite good at cleaning and has even been the main cook since DS was born - now that was a surprise as I'd never seen him even make beans on toast before!

Treedelivery I like your thinking - and must admit, I've been trying to use tactics out of How To Talk with him as he is very difficult to talk to sometimes!