Not Happy

[babybear]

Am I selfish, I have just had the most beautiful healthy baby girl 4 months ago and i am miserable. Im 28 years of age and am living with my partner now for the past 4 years. I have moved away from my home and family to his home town, almost a 7 hour drive from my friends and family. Im not happy with him, I did love him but since our baby has come along things have changed. He seems to have no time for me never pays me a compliment, never kisses and cuddles and sex is practicly non exsistant. It used to be great. When i confron him he tells me there is not a problem and he loves me, but really we have no conversation anymore, its just constant niggeling at each other. He loves our baby, and is good with her. If I lived nearer home i think our relationship would have broken up by now, its just that i have set up home here now and feel its a hugh hassel to leave him. My heart would also break for my daughter who loves her Daddy and i dont think its fair to make her grow up so far away from him. I have discussed it with him, and it usualy ends up in an argument with him telling me to go if I want to - This is not the answer I want from him. I want him to say I love you, Im sorry - anything

Men are such useless creatures when it comes to REALLY depending on them. I know that's a bit of a sweeping statement.

I suffered form PND and far from being supportive my dp seemed to take it very personally and told me that my depression was causing him to be depressed!!! ALl I wanted was for him to wrap his arms around me and tell me that everything would be ok. You are NOT selfish, but it does take an awful ong time to get back to normal after a baby comes along and literally turns your world upside down!

I'm sure he still loves you deeply, but he is scared and confused..... much liek a lost child. Give it a wee bit more time and maybe suggest some counselling for you both. He's probably in complete deial that there is a problem between you. He also could be jealous of the attention your dd now commands from you.

MEN! Hang in there, it does get easier. Make sure you phone your friends regularly and have a good chat to them (I know it's hard to find time!).

Keep Posting!!

babybear, your dd is still very young - I remember feeling v isolated and not in control until my dd was bigger & in more of a routine & we'd managed to have a bit of time to ourselves thanks to getting a babysitter. it's easy to become completely baby-focused and my dh certainly picked up on the fact that he wasn't my no.1 priority any more!!! my family live a couple of hundredmiles away too - and dad has chronic health problems which mean they can't just zoom around after me, so i know how not having that support makes things just seem so much worse.
you're not being selfish, you're just finding it hard to adjust to the way a baby changes the dynamics in relationships - everyone does, you're not unusual and all of us need help - from whatever source (hv, gp, family, friends, babysitters) we can get it

wise words bundle - a baby really does turn your life upside down and changes yr relationship a great deal. I went through very similar feelings to you babybear but things have improved (dd 22 mths. I felt depressed at the overwhelming responsibility of a new baby and the way my body changed. I felt like I was always nagging dh for help and he always used to moan and that upset me cause I thought he should want to do it...Sex went out the window....I also moved near his family so felt isolated...anyway what I'm saying is things have gradually got better. dd has got easier and I go out more, meeting friends and have come to terms with my extra lumps and bumps! Sorry rambling on a bit but what I'm trying to say is that whats going on between you and your partner is not unusual and if you can stick with it until things get easier with your dd you might feel differently...

babybear LOL, just to echo the other posts, it really is fairly normal for you to feel like this - The birth of my DS nearly split me and DP up as I was so exhausted/fed up with colic, constant crying etc. It completely changed our (previously brilliant) relationships. But you can get through it. I agree with bundle, keep talking to your partner and try and speak to friends, HV or sympathetic GP.
And mumsnet is always here!

Ladies,
I hope you right, Its good to know that others have felt as I do. Looking forward to things getting back to normal. There is nothing nicer then the feeling of being madly in Love. Want to enjoy my baby to the best of my ability, she seems to be growing so fast - Its scary the way the time is flying past me.

Babybear - I can definitiely sympathise with you. I think what made it easier for DH and I was to make sure we went out on our own at least once a month. That we you can still have some quality time together!!