need to get this out...

[atwitsendanddontknowwhattodo]

huge fight with my partner this morning. he is controlling, a bully and occasionally abusive and I finally decided to call refuge only to get their answering machine. now i keep thinking do i stay? do i go? is it really that bad? he isn't violent all the time but he has hit me and he has kicked me and he does put me down. i have kept this to myself for a while now as i have been so uncertain of the rammifications. i know what i would tell a friend in this situation so why do i hesitate? i would love to run away but then there are soooooo many things to consider (money, work, childcare the list goes on)

So sorry.

Did you leave a message?

If you are desperate, go to your local priest/minister (find a woman if you prefer) they usually know where the refuge is and will be able to take you or look after you until the refuge gets back to you. Good luck. xx

If he's done it befoer and he's done it again and done it yet again, it's time to take action.

Please phone the refuge again. Leave a message.

Message withdrawn

oh honey, if your not happy please get out. is there any family you can stay with. no one should put up with any abuse.
i was with a guy who was mentally abusive. i couldnt even go to the shop without the 3rd degree. he once raised his hand to me and i left straight away.
have you called the refuge again. please let us know how you are.
lots of hugs

This is VERY generalised but most women are financially better off as a single parent then living with a partner (due to bizarre benefit laws etc.)

Please don't worry about money, childcare etc. Put you and your kids first.

thank you for your thoughts. i have tried calling back but stll answer phone. have finally told a friend and she is being v supportive. i will probably go to stay with her for a few days as i have no family in uk cant imagine being brave enough to tell my parents. anyway thanks again!

Please leave, please. Do you have friends? Would you take a friend in in the same situation? Someone will help you to get out, I agree with mornigpaper, go to your local church, even if you are not religious, I am sure they will help you.

No-one deserves to be abused, and in answer to your question, yes it really is that bad. Don't be there when he gets back. If you are really desparate go to the police station, explain your situation, it is not wasting police time, they will be glad to help you.

Isn't there a few different shelters? Might just be locally but I'm sure we have a 'shelter' and a 'women's refuge' - could you look in yellow pages? Plus I think samaritans do something.

OK - Have you tried the Women's Aid Helpline? Their website says they operate a 24 hour service and they can get you into a refuge on the day you call. tel no 0800 2000 247. website
The website also gives helpful info - and they will come and meet you.

Hope it isn't them you can't get through to!

Wherever you decide to go, this list, from the women's aid site, of things to take, might be useful:
Identification
Birth Certificates for you and your children
School and medical records, including the telephone numbers of the school and your GP or surgery
Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit cards
Keys - house, car, office
Driving Licence and car registration documents
Prescribed medication and vitamin supplements
Welfare Benefit identification and your child allowance book
Passports, visas and work permits
Mortgage details or lease and rental agreements
Current unpaid bills
Insurance documents
Address book
Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value
Your children?s favourite items of clothing and small toys
Toiletries and clothes for you and your children

I agree with those saying 'go' - but please do make sure you have important things with you - he isn't going to be co-operative and let you take things later that would ease your independence, is he?

i hope you have managed to phone somebody for help atwitsend. the work/financial aspects will fit into place once you have the mental space not to have to spend your life treading on eggshells. you probably have been brainwashed by your partner into believe that you are useless/wouldn't be able to manage by yourself/noone else would have you etc. None of this is true - you can and will manage by yourself.

Witsend - are you ok?

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I did end up going to a friends, and have discussed things with my partner. I have made it very clear to him that this is not acceptable for any reason and I will not bring up my child in a violent/abusive environment. So I will try. I will also organize myself better in the event that things don't go as I would like. The list is a brilliant idea. THanks again for your concern.