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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

my dp is now xp, now what?

4 replies

ahhhmen · 11/01/2009 15:39

This might be a long one sorry! My p and I have been having problems for the last year, he left and we had a break while he stayed at his parents last june, this was basically as a result of him staying out all night on probably 5 plus occassions after nights out, this resulted in me not trusting him checking his phone and basically turning into a very parnoid person.

Anyway we decided to get back together in October after spending alot of time together and getting on very well, things were all rosey for about 6 weeks, we both made an effort in all areas. Gradually my paranoya started to creep back because he he seemed to loose interest, was very snappy, not very affectionate etc. Just before xmas he was back to his old tricks and came in at 7am after a night out. I was furious we had a big argument there were alot of tears from both of us (1st time I'd seen him cry in the 6 years we been together). I told him he should leave. He came back later that night to talk, but we never really talked and it was forgotten on his part anyway.

Then over xmas we ended up arguing alot, mainly due to the fact that he stayed in bed til midday everyday apart from xmas day, and I felt he should be up spending time with ds who is 21 months. It all came to a head on new years day, when we'd both had a late night and gone to bed at 2am (it was new year) but I still got up at 7.30am with ds while he slet til 12pm, although ?I asked him to get up on numerous occassions, in the end I told him he needs to make a decision to either be apart of this family and spend time with us or leave. We had a long emotional chat he just kept saying it wasnt working and theres no point in trying anymore.

So now we are separated, he is sleeping on the sofa and has been since new years day, I am trying to sort out what we are going to do the house etc. Whilst he hasnt done anything to try to sort the situation.

Last week I was really confused because he has been extra nice to me doing all the things I moaned at him for not doing whilst we together and we actually got on really well. So me being stupid thought maybe he's had a change of heart and wants to make an effort and for things to work out. So I asked him if he was 100% sure that he wanted to seperate. He just came back with 'its whats happening' so obviously he dosnt want to get back together. I'm now finding it really hard to live under the same roof as him. Although Ive hardly seen him because we are literally living seperate lives, hes gone off out to do what he wants to do watch football etc and Ive been enjoying my time with ds taking him out with friends.

I dont really have any questions, just wondered what other peoples opions would be on this situation. Why is he being all nice and making an effort when he dosnt even want to be with me, why couldnt he of just done it before?

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 11/01/2009 15:49

poor you
i dont know tbh
maybe he thinks it will all blow over
maybe he is trying to be nice as he doesn't want an atmosphere that will affect ds
it will be hard if not impossible to have you both living under the same roof if you are going to truly seperate
my exh stayed put for nearly a year
it had a very bad effect on the dcs

SheWillBeLoved · 11/01/2009 16:00

Some people just get on alot better as friends. Me and DP broke up for around 5 months a couple of years ago, but still spent some time together, and got on alot better because there were no expectations from one another. We were friends, I didn't nag him to load the dishwasher, I didn't nag if his house was a tip (I moved out during that time), he didn't moan if I went out for drinks after work with friends.

I think when we got back together, we learnt that it was easy to be that way all of the time if we just relaxed and stopped putting so much pressure on each other. Things have been absoloutely fantastic since, we have our moments like all couples, but it's amazing compared to last time and we're now expecting our first child

Some people strike lucky, some don't. I'm a firm believer that you aren't always supposed to be with the people you love. Sometimes it's just not supposed to be anything more than friendship love, but getting back to just friendship love can be so so hard if you've already crossed that line.

ahhhmen · 12/01/2009 14:29

Thanks, maybe your right we are just meant to be friends! which is fine now but I'm worried about when he or I meet someone else, will it be possible to stay friends?

I guess the realality of the situation will kick in when he moves out, god knows when thats going to happen though. Deep down I dont want him to go thats prob why I'm not pushing him to look into it, but until he does I think I will have hopes we can sort this out.

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 12/01/2009 14:33

time for you both to talk seriously then
hope you find some solution
xx

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