Help me work out if I'm at fault over blazing row with dh

[RaspberryBlower]

I had a terrible row with dh last night to the point where I suggested he should leave. I can't work out if I'm being totally out of order, as he says I am. DH is a good man in most ways, and he is lovely with dd.

It was over how much dh drinks. Before we had dd (8 months), dh used to regularly to out drinking and not come back until lunchtime the next day. He has improved a lot since then but still goes out every weekend and sometimes during the week and will usually return about 3 or 4 in the morning. This weekend he told me we would have a quiet, family weekend so we shared a bottle of wine last night and I went to bed. He had already moved on to the spirits and at some point I heard him go out. Then at 3.30am he came back in. I got up and he was pissed out of his head. He said he'd just been for cigarettes which I don't really believe, I think he went to the pub.

So we had a blazing row about it. Probably the worst we've ever had. (Not the best time for discussion when he is pissed and I'm grumpy tired, I know). He maintains that it does not affect me or the baby and it is a normal, reasonable amount of drinking/socialising for him to be doing. The way it affects me is that I don't sleep very well as I am waiting for him to come to bed, and also he then sleeps late (although he says he'll get up he usually doesn't) so I have to look after the baby and it's too late to go anywhere as a family. We can't really afford it either, but I've said this to him until I'm blue in the face. My social life is non existent. It also sort of worries me that he can't seem to go a weekend without drinking. He asked me when did I turn into a horrible nag, and I called him a selfish bastard and suggested if he wants to go out drinking all the time he should go and live somewhere else. I don't want this to happen, but how do I make myself not mind? I told him I thought once every 3 weeks would be fair enough but he said I was trying to ruin his social life. Didn't want to post in AIBU as I'm scared of that section. But am I being out of order and overreacting? And if so, what can i do about it?

Hi Raspberryblower,

re your comment:-

"He did agree that he will try to curb it, but this was more because it is making me unhappy than he thinks he needs to"

This approach of his is not likely going to work in the long term because he has to want to curb his drinking for HIMSELF. He still seems mired in denial.

Did you think that him having a family would somehow make him wake up to his drinking issues?.

Would not advise drinking wine with him any more. Am sorry to write this as well but it certainly seems that he has a drink problem. Binge drinking can be a problem in its own right.

I think your other post does not sound pathetic at all; it seems honest.

Would also urge you to consider calling Al-anon. You need some RL support as well.

He's acting like a single guy - drinking, going out to the pub, staying in bed, getting up when he wants.

Alcohol is affecting your family.

He needs to realize it.

I know Attila but what else can I do at the moment? All I can really do is let him know it's not acceptable, and that I think he has a problem. I very rarely drink now anyway so I won't drink with him. I can see what you're saying about that. We did discuss this when I was pregnant, and he said he would drink less. He does drink less, but he hasn't gone nearly far enough. I will call al-anon as well. thank you everyone. X

Al-anon are fab.

Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

RaspberryBlower... you could have been me 15years ago... only ex made it out that I had the problem.. he needed to drink you see to unwind, he'd worked hard, or needed a little treat! he always could justify his drinking...
when the kids came along it was always me getting up for them he loved them don't get me wrong, only I did everything for them... he told me it was because he worked full time he needed to sleep... although I worked as well it was only part time...
he used to need to get all his jobs done in the evening so he could settle down with his cans of 'special brew' this started to get earlier and earlier
as the kids got older he drank more which resulted in him getting up later and later at weekends as he was so tired and although he didn't have a 'hangover' he did need to sleep it off... in the end it was easier to leave him in bed as he was so bad tempered when he was up.

I think what I'm trying to say is that you need to nip it in the bud now.. my ex would never discuss his drinking.. would be really defencive and used to say 'oh yeah, I'm an alcholic, I drink a bottle of whiskey a day' which in his eyes thats what an alcholic did!

I also think you could do with giving al non a ring for some support..

good luck

He sounds like he has a drink problem to me.

Just one thing - are you sure that if you went out and left him in charge or your baby, he wouldn't drink at all? I'd be a bit careful about that, because it doesn't sound as if he has as much control as he should.

One of the things you ought to know about alcoholics is that they are very clever at hiding the reality of their drinking.

I thought DH was a binge drinker, and even when he started going to AA I still thought he was, as I'd never seen him drink at home.

Guess what? Our garage was full of empties, together with our shed, his car, anywhere where he could hide stuff. I was heavily pregnant at the time and DH had deliberately turned these places into places that were far too difficult for me to get in, due to the pregnancy and the fact I had SPD.

I don't want to scare you, and your DH might not be like this, but don't think because you haven't seen something it isn't happening.

llareggub, how awful. Thank god your dh has kicked it now. No, I'm sure I know when he has been drinking. We are together most of the rest of the time. Rachel, I trust him with the baby, I wouldn't leave her otherwise, but you're right to raise that. RumMum - some of the stuff you say sounds very familiar. Ilovemydog - I think what I find difficult about all of this is that my life changed so completely when dd was born, but it isn't the same for him.

llareggub - pls can you advise me? My DP used to drink very heavily (2 yrs ago) but cut down an awful lot shortly after we got together. We've been living together since February and during this time I've found empty cans in various locations through the house about 8 times. Each time I talk to him about it he swears it won't happen again but it does. I didn't think he could be an alcoholic because he does't drink all the time, but why does he keep doing this? He says if he has no drink he's fine but if he starts he wants to keep on (so will tell me hes had 4 cans but actually have 8 and hide the rest). Any ideas? I feel silly talking about it because it just a few cans but the hiding of it really worries me...

I'm really no expert, I can only speak from our experience. The fact that he is lying to you about his intake concerns me, and the fact he is hiding stuff. Actually, I remember having a conversation with DH when I got pregnant with DS1 about him cutting down on his drinking, and I really thought he had.

He didn't, he just moved it out of sight. That's when it became a real problem, as he became powerless over alcohol.

He will only begin to help himself when he admits he has a problem, and of course, he might not have a problem...he might just be untidy! But you know how much of a problem it is, probably.

There used to be an excellent thread on mumsnet for the partners of addicts. I'll see if I can find it. Otherwise, Al-anon are great.

My DH was suffering from depression as well as alcohol dependency, and I really think one caused the other. Do you think this might be an issue for your partner?

It is really hard because I know that DH would never have admitted to a problem if I had raised it with him. I can't really remember now how it all came to a head (post-natal blur) but the key thing was that he wanted to change and help himself. To an extent I was external to his recovery. I was there to change his sheets through his detox, make him cups of sugary tea and keep track of his decreasing alcohol intake, but he was the one who had to make it happen.