Feeling a bit pathetic

[Tryingtobebraver]

My DH and I have been together for 10years. Always been a bit up and down but plenty of good bits. Quite a big age gap and he isn't a lot of fun, but mostly a hardworking guy with decent values and a strong sense of family. Trouble is his temper. Today he shouted at DD for getting in his way. He was cold and tired, but she was trying to put the kettle on for him. I said that she was only trying to help and he stormd off saying I was out of order and should be ashamed of myself not backing him up! I told him to grow up (I can never seem to keep quiet when I perhaps should!) and he threatened me that if I didn't shut up he would shut me up!!! I still didn't back off and said I would phone his brother to tell him what an idiot he was and he held my arm up behind my back until I dropped the phone. He is now stomping about (this was this morning) , not speaking to me apart from to say this is all my fault for being a nag! Now, I'm an intelligent woman, I can see he is an arsehole, but I do not want a bunch of militant posts telling me to leave him as he is abusive. TBH I have nowhere to go and would rather sort this out. He will not 'have counselling' for his temper. I just want some coping strategies. ...and yes...if he ever touches me again I am leaving with the kids and no messing. But a bit of help for coping in the same house as an idiot?

Will he consider Relate? Then it becomes a joint venture and maybe easier for him and might help the communication?
Feel for you.

I think you should tell him that "if he ever touches you again you are leaving with the kids and no messing". He needs some anger management counselling. (actually I think you shoudl leave him now, but that's not what you want to hear).

Make sure you're in a position to do that, though - get some of your own money sorted and have a few plans at least worked out in your head..

Thanks, I know you are quite right. Never quite as simple as that though is it. Appreciate the advice.

The only way to cope is to confront the problem. You need to push the anger management issue and let him know how strongly you feel his bad temper effects the family.
Maybe you could try family counselling where the kids get their say too?
Good luck anyway, I hope it all works out

Anger is always, always about fear and the feeling of losing control. It's a huge problem when self-esteem is low.

Your dh needs building up.

I would go and make up with him now and pretty much say anything you can think of to calm him down and steady him.

Blame not useful.

Then when he's happier again, another day, drop into the conversation about how you REALLY appreciate how calmly and well he deals with the stressful, busy life you share.

Then another time, big up what a great dad he is and how you know the children appreciate how funny as well as nurturing he is.

(Do this in YOUR language, and be sincere.)

Comments like this, over time, will make it almost painful for him to disappoint you by being impatient and crabby. It's kind of a (good) self-fulfilling prophecy.

Is there anyone in RL who you can talk to that also knows DH? Is there anyone he would listen too? Yu need to wait till it has died down then speak to him about it and see what he thinks as that will make a big difference, once a line has been crossed it makes it easier the next time. BTW I'm not saying you should leave him, i wouldn't in this case either!

I think telling him he's crap and violent and scary and that you are thinking of leaving him is only going to be counter-productive.

You DO of course always have the option of leaving, but you'll know when you need to do that and it sounds like you won't need MNers to tell you!

I posted a thread just like yours in March 07.

Can I ask, why is leaving him not even an option?

I'm not militant I lived with my x's temper and flaws for years. I walked a tightrope, trying not to anger him, but at the same time, wanting to socialise, do things a reasonable way. Like you I stood up for myself and challenged obnoxious behaviour, but my x never, ever, said 'oh yeah, you're right, I was a grumpy agressive sod'.

Well, you said not to tell you to leave! so, I won't. But in March 07, MNers all to a man told me to leave. It pulled the rug from under me, made a chink in my denial. I'm glad to say that I left him in July 07. My children and I are much happier, I'm much happier, we have so many freedoms we didn't have before. We live in a happy atmosphere. The children don't have to witness a man losing his temper over tiny things, they don't have to witness Daddy shouting at Mummy and Mummy shouting back!

My financial situation is not great. I may never own my own house which saddens me, but, I am still very, very glad I left and got on with MY life.

I ordered some anger management books from Amazon for my x. He screamed at be and threw them across the room. He could NOT see. He thought I was being a nasty confrontation bitch I think.

ps, the only coping strategy I had was to take a magazine and a cup of tea and my mobile into the loo and lock the door. Sounds fucking sad, but that's what I did when I really had to get away from him.

A shame ... but not really a surprise. Liffey, it sounds like your dh was really set in his ways, where as the OP's dh is perhaps just beginning to unravel a bit and can maybe be saved?

OP, a bit of subtlety is surely trying, before you give up. There's probably lots going on for him that you don't know about. He surely needs your help.

Hmm. I'm not so sure I would advocate such a softly softly approach as pretty butterfly suggests. His behaviour has been extremely unpleasant and in my view making up with him like this will actually make him think that you are accepting that both you and DD were in the wrong and not him. This kind of behaviour shouldn't be rewarded by an apology from it's victim.

My OH has a very quick temper, never any violence or the threat of it I hasten to add, but he can be very nasty when he loses it (as can we all, even me) and on a couple of occasions he was been extremely unpleasant - screaming, shouting to our son for ridiculously small things. I just refused to tolerate it and told him in no uncertain terms what I thought of his behaviour and made it perfectly clear that our son was my first priority and not his pathetic behaviour. I will not put up with this crap and told him that if he couldn't behave like an adult he could fuck of back to his mother's. He knew I meant it and I really did and after a few hours sulking he apologised to me and DS.

Your DH is well aware that his behaviour is unacceptable from the way that he prevented you using the phone. He knows he's in the wrong. Let him stomp. Remind him calmly and clearly - no shouting - that the DD who loves him dearly was trying to do something nice for her Daddy and instead of letting her do it and accepting her kind gesture he got unreasonably angry with her and has upset her dreadfully and then made it worse by expecting you to get cross with her as well. She - and you - are both owed an apology. Ask him how he thinks DD feels about his behaviour and how he is going to make it up to her.

The violence is a different issue and never having experienced it I don't know what to say other than to tell him that if he ever touches you like that again then he's history.

Set in his ways is different from toxic oppositional attitude to confrontation. Which is it? Only the OP can tell!

Not having much chance to get to the computer so just checked in and read the (very interesting) differing opinions. DH is currently pretending nothing is going on...no, don't worry, I'm not going to ignore it and hope it goes away. Will try a mixture and see what happens. xx

I have occasionally, in the past, been very unpleasant when I've been cross.

I'm profoundly grateful that my husband has not left me.

I'm not a monster, just an ordinary fuck-up.

OP, can you get hold of Jay Carter's 'Nasty People' and have a read of it? It's short and to the point and very practical. Very humane too.