Separated for some time but both struggling to adjust to how much less we each see of DS

[Twoddle]

DS's dad and I separated over a year ago. Since then, we have been muddling along in a no-man's-land of XP seeing DS most days for a few hours in the evening (at our house), and me spending some time with DS and his dad together at his dad's mum's. DS doesn't separate well, and neither of us want to not see him for big chunks of time from such a young age (4). And XP's family are like my family, as we were together a long time. We know this arrangement isn't sustainable, should new partners come on the scene.

When we were together, our plan was to home educate DS and both work part-time. We would then have each seen DS for four or more whole days a week, and evenings. I can see that, had things worked out, this lifestyle would really have suited us all.

Fully separated, I would have to work full-time (having been a SAHM until now), and XP would want to be very hands-on with DS - which is great, of course, but would mean that I'd see DS for rushed mornings before school, some bedtimes in the week, and half of weekend time. This feels like sooo little time together compared with what we are used to, and with what I believe in (for us personally). I feel desperately sad about it TBH.

So XP and I seem to continue in this limbo of not fully letting go (which DS does seem settled with, BTW), in order to preserve the amount of time we can each spend with DS, and minimise how often he needs to separate from me.

I've been wondering if XP and I could possibly make it work again between us, largely for this reason, or if this really would be all wrong. I have lost a ton of respect for XP - he isn't the person I used to love, and did some immensely hurtful things leading up to and after our separation (which he now regrets) - and there is some tension and resentment between us under the surface because of this. Not ideal at all. We saw a counsellor about the possibility of working things out, but realised that we just weren't ready for it. But we're not prepared for the reality of being lone parents, working long hours, and seeing relatively little of DS, either. (We were both around an awful lot for DS until relatively recently.)

Sorry to ramble. You get the gist. I know that I need to decide myself how to move forward, but if anyone has any ideas for pain limitation, I'd love to hear them. Thanks.

Bump ...

It sounds as if you have unresolved issues regarding your separation, which you both have acknowledged. Maybe it would be best to not jump into formalising things whilst you both feel this way?

All credit to you both for putting your ds first in the way that you have. Although it is probably not ideal to consider reconciliation purely to benefit your ds I can see why you would weigh this up seriously. Most couples (in my experience!) tend to think about the impact on the dc and the reality of splitting up after the event, and you both seem to have a grip on how hard it will be...

I am not being much help! I would be tempted to say take some time, have some more counselling (possibly even as an individual?) and try to establish some more conclusions - I think that while things are still up in the air for your both that making any drastic decisions could be a mistake...

do you think you feel ready for counselling now? then you could explore the options

Unfortunately the things you describe as not wanting (seeing ds in the morning, evening and half weekends) is the reality for thousands of single parents, who just have to get on and do it.

Luckily I work part time (every day but only during school hours) so I do get to see my dc a little more than those who work full time. My ex pops over for an hour after work and they stay at his once or twice a week. Didn't know what to do with myself at first but now we are in a nice routine and I like having a bit of time on my own (even if sometimes all I do is the shopping or housework!)

Would you really have to got to work full time? Would part time be a better option, with WFTC/CTC/maintenance from ex to top up your income?

Thank you Fluffy, Kristina and Mutha. XP and I are taking our time, as you say, though I do wonder if we're prolonging the inevitable.

Mutha, I realise that this kind of life is the reality for thousands of single parents. It just isn't something you choose, is it? Because of how my XP behaved in the months before our separation, there wasn't really an alternative - but my God this kind of day-to-day life isn't what I'd choose. I think, also, because XP worked part-time (successful business at the time) and I didn't need to work, and so we were both around DS a lot and intended to homeschool him, this new reality represents an enormous shift from what we're all used to and aspired to. DS hates school, which I think I could have predicted, knowing him, and doesn't like separating for a morning at school, let along a nine-to-five day - and I feel sad that he has no choice. It isn't the kind of childhood I wanted to give him.

I will probably have to work full-time (once DS is at school full-time), yes. There's a thread on the Finances board about how little a family can realistically survive on. All outgoings, not including mortgage but allowing for big one-off expenses like fixing the car and replacing white goods, for example, we'll need at least £1,200 a month for a very basic existence, and ideally at least £1,500. Because XP's work situation is unstable, we can't accurately calculate a consistent maintenance payment. What are WFTC and CTC and how do they work? Anyhow, I can't earn £1,500 net a month working part-time.

How do you manage financially? I'm guessing you earn quite a professional salary.

So in answer to your question, part-time would be wonderful - comparatively - and if I could work part-time, we may still even be able to keep the home ed option open (if local grandparents were willing to muck in). But I don't see how it would be possible.

Thanks for your posts. I suppose it's simply a big shift, a departure from how we have lived and want to live, and it'll take a bit of time to come to terms with.