Good friendship gone bad

[DoubleSad]

I am in a pickle. I have a (supposedly) good friend who has to all intents and purposes dumped me for no apparent reason. We were very close in terms of almost daily contact of one kind or another (though in retrospect she did not always make herself available). For the past couple of months however, she has abruptly changed. She rarely calls, ignores any texts or emails that I send, refuses invitations and this is the hardest part for me, has seen me struggle with circumstances at home (we had building work over a number of weeks) and offers of help were mentioned but never carried through.

I don't know what to do. I invited her round with her partner on NYE and whilst HE said they would come she did the usual thing of ignoring the invitation and changing the subject when talk of Christmas and NY plans came up. Then on the night, no show, no text, no call, in fact no contact at all since. I've spent the last couple of months doing the right thing, making the usual approaches and I can't do any more. But I do want an explanation. What do I do?

I think it is absolutely worth writing or emailing something along the lines of,' I notice you are not keen to get in contact with me, which I feel sad about because I thought we were good friends. It would be helpful to me to know why you haven't been in touch, after all the time we have spent together - If it's negative, I can take it, honestly! If you are having a bad time at the moment, I am really sorry. I will leave the ball in your court, and wish you the very best'.

Answer or no answer, you may be able to move away from the relationship more easily because you've done all you can to get to the heart of the matter. Better than stewing for months/years.

Now, I'd better follow my own advice and see what's happened to my friendship of 27 years that has shrivelled up and almost died!

donkey, but if somebody said to you, you are quite negative, or, you are obsessed with horses and I hate them, or you're a nauseating pollyanna, or............

would you rEALLY be able to take that!?!?

I think we're better off not knowing.

Missfriendtoo and all of the others in this situation - it is horrible and I sympathise.
Donkeyderby - I don't know whether to write/email or suggest a meeting and broach it face to face. I think she's done this before (I know she does it with family members) and her response would be to ignore anything in writing. I think my best bet is to try to see her face to face. I have been a good friend and I haven't don't anything wrong or said anything wrong, to her face or behind her back. I am not needy, but I do think she is a bit superior, and maybe she just got bored. But whatever the reason, I think I deserve a bit of respect. But I am nervous about confronting her...

LiffeyMermaid, something like that did happen to me. An old, fond, but deeply self-absorbed (male) friend blurted out a few years ago that he rarely visited me because he found me negative and critical, (I like to think of myself as a well-earned cynic). I snapped back saying he was full of psychobabble and no wonder I sounded negative, but tried later to discuss our differences civilly. Afterwards I felt quite furious and hurt. That was at least five years ago and we have not seen or talked to each other since. I think I attempted a Christmas card, but it wasn't reciprocated (again, that really p**d me off - it's hard to make the first move only to have it ignored), so now I have truly given up on the friendship. I think it is best that way.

At least I had an explanation. At least he and I said out loud what others might only think. I still feel hurt from time to time that he has cut me out as if I don't exist, maybe I always will do. But it is a small hurt I can and do live with.

It was not a significant enough friendship to warrant pursuit - is yours?

donkey, interesting, did it hurt because you thought maybe he was right, even though it hurt??

I've just made a 'first move' and it's been ignored and now I feel stupid and a bit angry.

This girl from school, well, in the 3 days ago, one of my fb friends has added her, so now I know she knows I'm on FB!! So, to be first one in there to do the right thing, I sent a short message saying hello again, hope all's weel, what are you up to?' (But NOT a friend request).
But she's ignored my polite friendly message. I find that quite socially dysfunctional actually!!! I don't want to rekindle the friendship, but I do want to know that when we meet up with mutual friends (as is planned later in the year) she won't make me feel awkward and embarrassed!

arghghghghg! You can't bloody lose touch with people even if you're trying now, thanks to FB!

ps, only that I'd known her since I was 9. We have been alike, and been in the same shoes, but when I had children she didn't do what lots of other friends would have done, and waited for me!

I'd seen her through eating disorders, drinking too much, several stupid boyfriends, buying a reposessed flat, problems with tenants, job-hunting etc etc... my life always seemed to be on a more even keel. She was always terribly dramatic. She ditched me the second I couldn't go to the theatre at a moment's notice because I had a baby. She found babies so boring, but I always made a point of never talking about my child (she'd ditched me by the time dc2 came along!) but I listened to her tortured soul's warblings for long enough!!

ps, the answer is no, I don't want to be friends with her!!! but I want to know that she feels neutral enough about me to be polite and friendly in mutual company. I don't want to think she's running me down to our mutual friends. NOT sure about that. I think she has said a few snippy things such as 'oh Elizabeth is a simple soul' and describing me as a nauseating pollyanna to a friend years and years ago.

Bitching about mutual friends is so teenage!!!

It's happened to me too - dumped with no explanation, and it took me quite a while to get over it. DH says it's good riddance.

My feeling is that if you asked her for an explanation you wouldn't get a straight answer - she's hardly going to say 'I don't like you much any more' is she? So don't crawl to her. Just accept it, her loss, and move on.

xx

I still feel guilty about a friendship I distanced myself from.This person made me godmother to her son,even though i did try my best to get out of it;some people just don't take hints.She wasn't my best friend but someone who had baby at same time as me.She would always over stay her welcome,and as I was busy mum of 3 and needed to stick to mealtimes,school routine etc,I used to get really stressed when I'd be trying to get on with things and she'd still be hunting for her sons favourite toy.I can see now that I hadn't learnt to say no.Plus she always came to my house;not asked to hers.Maybe this person doesnt know how to say that she needs more time to herself.

Liffey, it hurt most because a) there was a grain of truth in what he said and b) I felt like I had put up with his fairly idiotic behaviour for years, and it seemed a real cheek cutting me off for my behaviour. Incidentally, I was not the only person who found him ridiculous.

Some of us can put up with too much in a friendship, like a sponge for dysfunctional behaviour. Often those people then b*r off when our services are no longer needed. We need to know why we allow ourselves to be used - we must get something out of being a martyr after all - and learn to say no.

The Godmother thing lovelymumma....saying 'I don't know you well enough to be your child's Godmother so I'm going to have to say no', would have felt like a slap in the face for your friend, but it is so much better than her feeling dumped further down the line after totally miscalculating how much she meant to you. Perhaps instead of feeling guilty now, you could come clean with her in - as gentle way as possible?

donkey, it's true, it hurts because there's a grain of truth in it, but did we ever ask for such a brutal character assasination?? Did we need to know?? Really everybody has flaws,, and we all absorb eachothers' personalities and make allowances or enjoy others' quirks.

I have always cut people slack along the way, given them the benefit of the doubt etc (the nauseating pollyanna that I am!!) and so it IS a slap in the face when somebody makes no allowance, and in fact cuts you off stone dead for what you consider to be nothing more than a 'quirk' of your personality. Not a hideously nasty character streak!!

Anyway, I ummed and awed for ages over children's god parents, because they had to be not just people I loved but people who valued me highly too, and people I'd been in touch with for long enough to know that friendship would weather a few more decades of ups and downs!! would never have asked another new mum in ante natal group.

I'm actually quite good at reading people and situations. If I'm in a group I can tell who is pissing off whom. Not something you can put on a cv, but the point is, I'm not thick and I'm not unperceptive at all!

Liffey, there's honest...and then there's downright rude and crushing. Entirely different things. I would never condone the sort of name calling and rudeness you have been on the receiving end of. There is no need to call anyone a 'nauseating Pollyanna'...and what a bizarre turn of phrase! You would be totally in your rights to tell that woman how rudely you feel she has behaved and how hurtful you have found it.

I have never warmed to those people who proudly announce that they 'don't suffer fools gladly', or 'call a spade a spade' and use it as an excuse to brutally insult people willy nilly.

I just feel that sometimes, women in particular, make a pig's ear out of relationships because they won't be honest about their feelings, but are more than happy to go along with the pretence of a friendship, then snipe about someone behind their back. Silent withdrawal is horrible - people deserve an explanation even if it isn't altogether comfortable hearing some home truths. It matters how they are delivered though.

Yes, you can explain why your personalities are incompatible,, that could be done gently.

I agree, people who dont' suffer fools gladly are usually horrible. And they're proud of being unpleasant and intolerant. They think people who inadvertently annoy them, because they have a short fuse and are intolerant (which is their flaw!) should be made to know about it.

I tend to forget this, but I once let a friend go I sent her a rather pompous letter in about 1995 saying I had been waiting 5 years for her to ask a question about me, and that I was tired of simply being an ear, and that I was sure she could find an ear closer to where she now lived (she'd moved to Australia).

I cringe when I think of it!!! BUT at least she knows why. She never replied!

At least she was left in no doubt that she had not been a good enough friend. As long as you have no regrets...

So right about the intolerant short-fusers liffey....a little kindness goes a long way in life.

I have confronted former friends before now (when I was a lot younger). I have also tried to (more gently) find out recently why a friend of several years seems to have "dumped" me.

Like many others on this thread we were in daily contact, dcs similar age etc.

Ime a confrontation or even an e-mail/conversation asking "why" generally gets no real answers...just more questions really. Imo if the "friend" had an explanation that he/she was prepared to give, then they would probably/possibly have done so earlier in the "friendship".

It is very hurtful. The only answers I have go (with a couple of former friends) are the usual responses that others have mentioned. i.e. the friend is now "too busy" or (more hurtful) the friend denies that there is a problem.

OP I hope you are able to move on and find more supportive, genuine friends. It is hurtful, I know.

There was nowt Pollyanna about that letter by the sound of it!

I've been dumped a couple of times, but I don't think I've ever cut anyone dead, just withdrawn a bit as life has changed. I don't have a car to visit far flung friends, and really can't be arsed going out boozing these days, so unless someone was to pop round (unlikely) it isn't going to happen really. I like staying in, and I guess I used to love going out, but I just don't want to anymore. So although I do the polite "yes we really must do lunch" blah blah, if I'm honest, I just don't want to. Nothing personal, I just prefer spending my free time at home, but I wouldn't want anyone to feel upset by that.

To the OP though, I can see why you are so upset- it sounds like you are right and need to bite the bullet with her. It must be a misunderstanding or something- have you really no idea ? Hope it goes ok for you x

I've been her

One day I just kinda "woke up" and realised that old friendships do not necessarily = good friendships. I realised that I had spent years investing in something I got nothing outta just because we'd known each other for so long

I dont think its sensible or practical or even very mature to ring someone up and say "I dont want to see much of you any more because of X or Y" - I did this once (because I was hurt by the other person but thought the friendship could be saved) and the other person turned vicous as a result and mutual friends cannot invite us both to the same thing (this comes from her not me)

I let some childhood friendships fizzle out recently - it was all effort, no pleasure. I realised that we were only in touch for the sake of old times. However I wouldnt dream of telling either of these girls why cause it would just be hurtful and make it orkward at the occasions where we are at the same thing at the same time. What good would it do to say "I dont really have fun when I see you, I find it hard work and I dont think I have anything in common with you"?

this has happened to me with someone i never thought would

one minute was saying speak to you later, and the next just cut off

no explanation then or since, and its been a while now

it hurt, and i did try to find out why but got no reply, so i have had to accept that is that and put it away, tho i still find it baffling and upsetting if i dwell in it

i have also been the one who cut someone out, but i did tell them why, as it takes a lot for me to cut ties

the only thing you can do is just try and accept that for whatever reason, they have decided not to be part of your life

i know its hard