He always sides with MIL

[benandoli]

Long story but MIL ruined our christmas and her behaviour has really caused loads of rows and now i just feel shell shocked. I feel so alone dh always sides with her she hates me and ny parents cant see why I put up with her (I have tried explaining that she is his mother and so i dont have a choice). I just feel so alone. I am so angry that she took away xmas with my three little ones (6, 3 and 2 months) but now just feel tearful and lonely. Any advice on dealing with a dominant mil who pulls husbands strings?

Sounds bad. What did she do?

How does your DH always take her side? That's what you have to deal with - you can't change her, but you need to be supported by your DH (assuming that she is in the wrong)
Without hearing the long story it's a bit hard to comment on her/his behaviour really.

she was late because she spilt nail varnish when painting her nails in the car on the way round i said that dh would not let me put nail varnish on in the car so she stormed off upstairs and cried for about an hour and called dh up there. Meanwhile the dinner was ready and i was ill. my mom loved it and kept rubbing it in and everyone had a miserable day but he said it was my fault because what i said i said with attitude. I do find it hard to be false but i feel under so much pressure, cooking the dinner for everyone, knowing the moms hate each other etc etc and to be honest i do my best.

Oh god. I hate this kind of childish sulky behaviour. if she's going to go upstairs and cry for an hour, I would just carry on with dinner, and enjoy it without her and DP if that's what's going on.

I am trying to imagine how much attitude you have to have to make the sentence, "DH would not let me put nail varnish on in the car" come out that badly. You must be good!

benandoli,

I am making no excuses at all for your H's behaviour because his primary loyalty should now be to you and his children. He married you - end of.

However, it sounds like he is totally dominated by this woman; he has had a lifetime of her controlling ways (her crying behaviours was martyr like and attention seeking, on a wider level who is the parent and who is the child in that situation?) and it is extremely difficult to break free of such toxic behaviours. He likely does not think she has a problem because he grew up with her; it is only when her behaviours directly impact on you and his children will he perhaps realise the extent of her control.

This is all about power and control. Her need for this is all encompassing. She does not care who she hurts in the process, she likely does not think she is doing anything wrong and will not take any responsibility for her actions. Your H may well take her side for a quiet life and also because he is totally afraid of her and what she is capable of. He has to stand up to her though, he will need your support to do so. He cannot do this on his own. If he tries to break free she will make it very hard for him. Methods like withdrawal of any financial assistance, using other family members and health scares (never properly explained) are often employed.

Again not excusing him at all but there are often deep seated reasons why men do not and cannot always stand up to their Mums.

"Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward may help you.

OMG, sounds like my MIL used to be. If she cries for long enough, your DH will go running to her whilst she sobs her woes. Boak. Except my DH does not go running anymore.

Hard situation to handle when DH runs to her so easily. She knows exactly what she is doing. The old poormeitis. Probably not what you want to do, but try being as nice as possible to her, esp in front of DH. Maybe she needs to be shown up for what she is. Let your DH see the huge effort you are making with her, she will trip herself up eventually. Be the angel DIL and I mean SAINT DIL, haha! She would LOVE it if she knew you and DH were fighting over her, imagine the secret little smug smile. Don't give her the satisfaction.

Be as nice as is humanly possible, even if it is fake. Don't let her win. Concentrate on yourself, DH and your kids. Put your family first in every way and just sit back and wait. She will make a mistake, I promise. And when she does she won't be able to blame you because when she is all sobbing, DH will be telling HER how she said something wrong, or sarcastically or whatever.

I so wish I had a MIL like some of the great ones you read about here on MN

Here here Atilla.

Excellent analysis.

you are all so spot on and right with your advice, i just dont feel like i have the strength, and that is not like me at all.

Im going to go against the consensus here....I dont 'get' why you had to comment your dh wouldnt allow you to put nail varnish on in the car? you are an adult you are responsible for yourself- whose car did she spill vrnish in? im presuming her own?

If dinner was almost ready surely the best comment to make would have been well you are here now lets get started?

I have no mil she died and unfortunately
we didnt always see eye- eye but now I realise some battles are worth fighting others arent,dont invite her hostility and dont rise to her dramatics.

Hmm, I think nickchick has a point here. Your MIL's reaction was absurdly overblown but your remark does strike me as provocative too. Could you be setting up these awful situations sometimes to try and force your DH to side with you? I am not excusing your MIL's behaviour.

yes you are prob right and if i could wind the clock back i certainly wouldnt say it. The problem is though that she is horrible to me all year but never in front of dh and it builds up until i answer her back and she uses it to her advantage. All i can do i suppose is not rise to the bait but it is very hard and i already do this most of the time. She just keeps pushing me to the edge

i dread bdays mothers day etc etc and feel she is ruining all the special times with dc

So I'm watching this thread as I've got a similar mil and it eats you up. Basically the responsibility manage her behaviour and the affects on your family lies with your dh. Answers please as my dh lives for her every word and it's f**cked our relationship. In fact, we're, or rather I, am in the middle of a mil crisis right now.

Bandadoli - let us know how you plan to approach this - I may copy.

Seriously - I'm planning to deal with my situation and it might be make or break - I can't deal with the trauma any longer. My mum now hates dh because of mil and they just don't get it - if I were to say one word, mil just acts the big victim as she is now.

Attila - did you write Toxic Inlaws and if so, where you write that they reason that sons often don't deal with their parents is deep rooted - then how do you deal with a mammone!

We all need to know.

nicks chick wrote down just what I was thinking tbh.

Not saying the whole thing is your fault. The prolem is that when you have a prblem with someone it is very hard to not have it creep out in tone or what you say.

Said in a different way, with a better relationship in place, this certainly would not have had the same ending.

It can't be easy for his mum to go to your house, knowing your really not that happy about her going PLUS yur family are there and she knows they don't like her either. Then in front of them all you make a sarky comment about how she'd kept everyone waiting by doing something she shouldn't have been doing in the first place. which she may have only been doing cause she knew she was running late.

Just playing devils advocate btw, I would ahve probably have said the same thing with being so stressed about xmas!