Feeling v worried about the lack of sex in my marriage, he just never seems to want to..

[worriedandfrustrated]

We used to have sex about once every six weeks for the last few years. I used to initiate (married for 8 years) but after being rebuffed a couple of times, it really knocked my confidence. So i then tried the game of, 'i'll wait til he initiates' and so it is now less than ever. Think it has been about 8 weeks now.

I would say the rest of the marriage is fine/good. He is kind, caring, good dad, generous, excellent provider, we talk constantly etc so am happy with everything except this.

I have tried to talk to him about it before, but it didnt improve. Now i dont know how to bring it up and worried that it will make it even more of an issue.

He is fit and trim, goes to the gym alot and watches what he eats etc. I am slim but not prob as thin as he would like. So it could be that he has gone off me. But as far as i know i dont smell etc and objectively i know i am attractive. I dont think i should have to beg or dress up in costumes.

He has a stressful job and gets tired which could be the reason.

Or is he having an affair?

Cant talk to any of my RL friends about this. As whenever sex lives come up, they are say their men want them every night and it just makes me soooo upset.

Sorry to say this, but join the club. This seems like a much bigger club than people would ever think. My dh never initiates anymore. April was the last time. I did the same as you and thought...I'll let him initiate to reduce the pressure (after years of lighting candles, wearing nice undies, massages, etc, etc). That led to a big fat zero.

Every time I raise it, he says it will improve but it doesn't. I've had enough now and am seeing someone else. I know that's not the answer, but I was so sexually frustrated, getting older and just don't love him anymore. After being rejected so many times you get to a point where you don't care anymore.

I'm sorry, I don't know what the answer is. My DH insists he's not having an affair (and that he's not gay...I've asked him!) I believe him. I just think his sex drive has gone/he doesn't fancy me anymore.

My suggestion would be to really tell him how much this means to you. Really, really emphasise that you think sex is the glue of marriage (which I believe it is) and see what he says. Get angry - for god's sake, he's not fulfilling his marital obligations. Good luck..it's a horrible situation to be in I know as you feel so rejected and unattractive.

I have posted about a similar situation
here.I would add that I agree absolutely 100% about emphasising the importance this has for you. I have never stopped loving my Dh and the same is true for him. We really had just got out of the habit and after such a long time it was like starting over. BUT, it can be done. We are now so much more demonstrative of our love and sex is very frequent, ( at least 4 times a week) and we also have lots of what I call 'touchy, feely' moments. Not sex, but sexy moments in the kitchen for example, whilst I am cooking dinner/washing up, he will do those things that just turn me on, like a kiss on the back of the neck, or send me a random text telling me he loves me. There is real tenderness in his eyes when he looks at me and he winks at me across the room when we are watching tv with the family. The important thing is that you both have to want it to work. It is never going to succeed if one of you really isn't bothered. To begin with I was initiating more, but now I would say it is a definite 50/50.
Good luck.

Heres - yes i saw your previous post and had a read thru. I think its worth a try. Will think about it and talk to him.

Fizz - Why dont you leave him? Do you think its a reason to leave a marriage? I think it is - after all there is no point being married but celebate, which is what i feel i am.

I guess im feeling it now as Im just entering my mid thirties and feel Im way too young to give up on sex.

The other thing is, I want him to want me. I dont want him to go thru the motions, to force himself etc. Its not exactly a turn on is it?

Worried..if you feel you have to ask, that is NOT sexy. It's all going to go downhill from there. You want them to be overcome with passion (or at least feeling a little horny!) It's a real downer for the woman.

The reason I don't leave is: the rest of our marriage is fine. We get on great the rest of the time. Also, we are in massive debt, living in London. Just not going to happen unless we all move to bedsits in Slough which does not appeal.

Does he know you are having an affair? Would he care?

I too would be worried about my financial situation if i left. I am SAHM with two small kids.