Problem with DP's friends. What would you do?

[bleh]

DP and I have been together for about 18 months now. Recently, we haven't had a chance to spend much time together, what with friends and family visiting all the time over the holidays, work functions and generally life getting in the way all the time. We finally arranged to meet up on Tuesday night to have dinner together, but he arrived late (as he had been to see a friend and it had taken ages), he then whinged at me and told me I was being ridiculous about something, kept on texting a friend, and then wondered when I was upset. I had been looking forward to this for ages, and felt a bit short-changed. Anyway: the friend who he was texting and another one (both women, have been friends for a few years with DP) had a go at him about various stuff, were very cold to him in emails, cancelled going to something with him they'd been planning for months, and then said that I didn't talk to them enough (they all speak french, which I don't, and they speak mostly french when they are around each other). I thought I got on with them (language difficulties aside), it's just I can be quite shy, and don't generally join in conversations if I have no clue what's going on.
Today he's come out and said that he feels guilty that he doesn't spend enough time with them. WTF? I don't suspect any affair like behaviour, but it feels at the moment like there's four people in this relationship. And it's a bit too much. One of them has a boyfriend, and complains that she doesn't see him enough, and the other is single.

hmmm, are you sure there is no affair?

Sounds like he hasn't got his priorities straight.If he cant make one night with you after 18 months of relationships it doesn't sound too good.

Are they all French, because if not speaking French amongst themselves sounds very exclusive.

It doesn't seem likely. He spent so long pursuing me, I don't think he would. He also had a go at me for next texting back straight away when he texted me while out with friends who were visiting. My phone was in another room while I was messing about reading in high-brow articles online.

I'm annoyed with these two women though. They used to be alright, but recently they've been harassing him all the time and had a go at him for so much stuff, but then expect him to see them all the time. They expect him to put them first all the time, which is barking. They're his best friends, but come on?!

I felt so fed-up with this last night, I was thinking: what's the point?

I don't think it's an affair, but he seems to be confused about his priorities. If he wants to be with you - and after 18 months I'd have thought that unless you're 21, with no kids etc it is at least semi-serious - then he should be making spending time with you a priority.

Having said that, is he one of those peole who needs to taught that taking calls, texting or turning up late is disrespectful to the person he's with? My DP had been single for a long time (kind of ) before he met me and it took him a while to realise that part of being in a relationship meant that he had to be less selfish - ie he couldn't do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. It was quite hard for him. But.. he loved me enough to think about what I was saying and changed. Although not before a couple of pretty hardcore arguments!

They do try speaking English for a bit when I'm around, but in the end just all lapse into French. (I'm now starting to develop some rather concerning "if they live in the UK, but refuse to speak English, why don't they go back to france?" type thoughts). There were a lot of us spending time together and New Years Day, and not a word of English was spoken for about three hours. I just totally switched off. That was one of the times they complained about me not being talkative enough.

Sorry, I've really needed to get this off my chest.

x-posted so going to respond to your second post too now.

These women are the kind of people who do not understand or appreciate that when a friend (man or woman) gets into a relationship, their friendship has to change and evolve. How old is your DP and his friends? IME this tends to happen more with younger people who simply cannot understand putting relationships ahead of friendships.

Unfortunately, I think some women are particularly bad about this and give the rest of us a bad name. They want their best male friend to be more than a friend. Not that they want to date him, but they need to feel that they are the most important person and/or woman in his life. I had a flatmate who was like this with her oldest and dearest friend who was also a man. Sadly, they are no longer close as her clingy behaviour when he met someone he was serious about irreparably damaged his relationship with her.

It is up to him to realise that he will have to set boundaries for these friends. He shouldn't give them up, of course, but they have to accept that they aren't number 1.

Also, it sounds like one of those people who thinks that phones should be surgically attached to your hand at all times. You'll have to prove to him that's not the best way.

i'm thinking 'what's the point?'. i'd go and find someone more available tbh.

We're all late 20s.

For the one in the relationship (S), it is not serious; they've been together for over a year, but it seems that they're together so they're not alone, IYSWIM. For the other (J), she has been in a number of serious relationships (and so should understand), but the last one ended REALLY badly. It was a long-distance relationship at one point, and she returned only to find out that he'd impregnated someone else in the meantime. Thinking on it, J does seem to be the one who harasses him the most. They used to spend a lot of time together, but do less so now.

He's not that bad with the phone, though I should probably point out that it's not essential to have it nearby when having dinner.

I asked him why he felt guilty about not seeing them enough, as he'd seen them Saturday, Monday and Tuesday, and he said that he only saw them for about 1/2 an hour on monday, it's not the same as a whole evening. that's why. I've spent even less time with him, and he doesn't even see that as a problem . I may be leaning towards warthog's thinking. What pisses me off is that he spent MONTHS trying to convince me to go out with him, and now we're together, he wants to spend all his time with his friends?

perhaps he's one of these types that likes the chase? if you really like him, back off and let him do a bit of chasing again. if you're getting sick of the games, move on. he wants his cakes (plural - note), make sure you're the ultimate black forest gateau.

Good advice. I will be totally unavailable from now on.
I do really like him, but this relationship is so much stress. Families and everyone are muttering "marriage" all the time, there's all these other people knocking about in the relationship (another friend was upset that we didn't invite him on a trip to Venice ).

If they're all french, then it probably doesn't even occur to them to speak english if you're the only non-french speaker in the room. It's rude of them but prob more from a thoughtless angle iyswim.

Re the friends saying you're too quiet, ask him, if he was in a room full of people speaking a language he didn't understand, whether he would feel comfortable butting into the conversation in a totally different language?

You say you "like" him, not that you love him, so tbh this doesn't sound like a very serious relationship to me, so I would be inclined to just move on. I would just say to him that you understand his friends take priority, and that he clearly needs to spend more time with them than with you, but you don't feel that you can carry on a relationship like that.