Have confronted a toxic parent and I don't see how we can go on from here...

[bohemianbint]

Don't know if you've seen my many other threads re my dad and SM (recent one re childhood) but it's all just come to a head.

Parents live round the corner and have been weird with us all year. We've had many issues but mainly that they have basically after helping with DS1 they have all but ignored DS2. I've just asked my dad this morning if there is a problem and what's going on and it went very badly.

The incidents that I brought up he tells me I've either imagined them, they didn't happen, I'm taking things out of context or am overdramatic. He told me that with DS1 I "complained" all the time but wouldn't ask for help. When he says they "offered help" (what he means by this is he told me to use formula/leave new baby to cry etc, he does not mean actual useful, practical help) I responded wrongly so now no one will "help".Is it just me - I feel like it's a sick game; because I didn't try all the fucking barbaric advice I was offered they decided they wouldn't offer help. My SM has, from what we can tell, taken things we have said, twisted them and told people things that are not true and have made them (probably) hate us.

Anyway, this post isn't all about the whys and wherefores, I've learnt from other MN threads and that Toxic Parents book that they are toxic and will not take responsibility for anything. I just need to know what I should do next. The conversation was interrupted but I don't want to talk to my dad without DH (he is incapable of showing any emotion, empathy or concern and just makes me feel like I'm going mad, or dreamt everything.)He actually came to talk to me this morning, saw DH was here and drove home again and decided to phone so he could speak to me on my own.

I don't see how, without a mediator, that we can move on at all. He will not take anything that I say on board, demands that I back everything up with examples, which I do, to be told that am either lying or said examples didn't happen. He will not back up his statements with examples. He makes me feel like one of his patients, or some sort of lab study; we cannot communicate. It's looking like there's going to be no way through this to be honest, which makes me really sad, but I just don't see what the hell I can do.

Amendment to above:
Physical damage was sometimes by him also but not mainly.

bb - I found my psychotherapist in a roundabout way through personal recommendations and professional referrals.

A place to start looking for a professional in your area is here:

www.psychoanalytic-council.org/main

Thanks sasamaxx. It does help because I do start to doubt myself, and its ridiculous really. Your poor DH. See, I sometimes feel that I haven't had it that bad compared to others but I think I'm glossing over a lot.

Don't dampen down your own experiences - you will be automatically glossing anyway I would imagine. No one deserves this crap
I know - DH's probs manifest from time to time but he did seek therapy last time it got really bad (and unfortunately needs medication too). He's right as rain compared to his poor sister though.
Oh it just makes me so ANGRY
Don't doubt yourself - try to visualise everyone's support next time he starts.
((()))

horrible man making you feel like this

thank you. Sorry to be all gushy but I can't actually tell you how much this support means to me. Between MN and DH it's the first time I've ever started to see it's not all me.

Actually - it really is quite sadistic. They knew that I was not doing well a few weeks after DS2 was born, and that I was on the brink of PND, but they still never so much as called to see how I was, or if they could do anything. Because I don't recieve their advice properly. Meanwhile, they apparently are telling people that they were bringing us meals etc, no doubt despite us being foul and ungrateful.

I really will have to work on not being angry.

bb your bit about finding it hard not to be angry really struck a chord with me. I am still furious wiht my father, I haven't seen him in8 years, havent spoken to him in 7.
He has never asked me about dd's or any of my siblings, 2 of which he is still in touch with(not that he woujdl be allowed to see them, but still)
He was 'dying of leukemia' at one point and I was told he wouldnt last a wekk, and I went to confront him as my last chance but realised that he woudl never say what I wanted him to say (as in 'i love you, Im proud of you...') so it was then I decided not to speak to him again through DH or anyone.

If, however, he turned up on my doorstep or I saw him somewhere I would not be able to stop myself saying something or screaming at him, and I am still terrified of this happening as I still have vestiges of fear remaining and cannot predict how I would react knowing everythign I know now about toxic parents and narcassists.

What I have managed to do is accept the anger will always be there, its not all consuming, it's now mixed with regret that I feel it at all, but it is still there.
I think what I am trying (and not doing very well!) to say is that dont try and not be angry, you have a right to feel like that, and trying to squash it wont help anyone, just try and accept that you cant change them, they will always be like this and then move on in superiority at knowing that your life will not turn out as shit as they try and make it.

I really hope that makes sense, am going to shut up now as have waffled for ages, with terrible spelling but am typing this out as it comes. Please keep sharing/venting/whatever, even typing this has helped me by actually saying it.

You are nto alone in this, and it is not your fault.

Thanks chirpy. Do you think you will literally never see him again? Do you think you will be sorry when he is dead or are you pretty sure you've made the right decision?

Actually, I feel like things are much clearer this morning. They have decided not to see us, to contribute nothing meaningful to our lives, but seem to think they can come swanning into my house and tell me what I can and can't do. They can take their nasty little games and fuck right off, I think.

Good for you.

Dh has asked me this before now as he cannot understand why I am happy with this. He knows what my father was like but his family are so normal I think it is a bit bizarre to him!
I would be sad if he died, but only because I never had a father/daughter relationship and I think that is sad, not sad about him at all. I do tell people that I don't have a father if they ask and tbh that is how I feel.
I know I have made the right decision and can't see how seeing him again woudl do anything but upset me, so my decision is made.

Don't get me wrong, I do have wobbles, mostly when I have been to visit DH's family and seen his dad mcuking about with the DD's or his DD but then I remember that he was never like that, so it's pointless wishing for something I am not going to get.
HTH

I think that's it in a nutshell; I'm mainly sad for something I never had, and obviously never will. But I'm starting to really see that now. My parents are so utterly disrespectful of me and that's because I let them be. It must stop!

Bohemian, I posted on your other thread, and you've had some great advice here. Only one thing I'd like to add: Wouldn't you be happier if you decided not to expect, and indeed to refuse, any kind of help - physical or financial - from these people?

I was lucky in my parents, but a former BF had a very damaging father and SM, with all sorts of favouritism and mind-games being played. BF's brother admitted that he only saw his father because his father was relatively wealthy and he didn't want to lose out on his inheritance, at which point I couldn't keep silent and said 'but isn't that like accepting that the damage he did to you all can be bought off?'. Immediately felt awful for suggesting that he stop all contact, but he thought about it and decided that that was what he wanted to do. He was a lot happier for the decision and remained so for the years after that I knew him (stayed in touch long after BF went west - BF's brother was the nicer person].

You sound a bit clearer now, which is great! I think that is a major step, to realise that this is how they are and no amount of reasoning/confrontation is ever going to change it, so you might find it easier going to be able to rememerb this.
Notreally is right too,, if you don't want anything in return from them then you might find it easier to clse the door as it were.

Now do you believe us? it isn't you and never has been!
It took me awhile but once I did I found it soooo much easier to move on