UPDATE on DH wants me to terminate bump no.3

[sydneyhousewife]

Just an update for those of you who supproted me on this thread back in Sept/ Oct (sadly when I went for my scan the baby had died) DH organised a 2 week holiday to stay with the children & I after Christmas, then had to 'rearrange his flights' to go back to the UK early for a business trip. I saw his travel documents while he was here... he flew out business class (3500 GBP when I'm surviving with our 2 DCs on benefits), he stayed in a hotel in Bagkok for 2 nights on the way here (though he moaned about having a 10 hour transit in the airport), had a half used packet of viagra in his bag, & was spending a week in a hotel suite in Bangkok on the way home to the UK. I spoke to a friend at his work in the hope that there was some mistake but of course there was no business trip he had to rush back for, they thought he was on holidays in Australia with us the whole time; but also didn't I know that he & his friends (her husband included) have been to Thailand several times over the last year or so for 'boys drinking trips' (she also believed her husband caught an STD from a towel). After a lot of tears, shouting (he got cross at ME for going behind his back!!), more lies, etc I asked him to leave & he's caught an earlier flight to Thailand (but doesn't think he'll enjoy it now, poor love!!!) I can't reconcile what he's been doing with the person I thought I'd married. The kids were heartbroken when he left but I don't know what else to do

please excuse the spelling mistakes, I'm still a bit upset

oh dear god

i am so for you

that's terrible

are you hanging in there?

xxx

(just want to ask who in the world could believe you can catch an STD from a towel???)

Jeez, so sorry to hear this Syd. I don't know what to say. You will be better off without him and your dc will help you pull through. I'm sad to hear about the miscarriage. I don't mean to be hard when I say this but everything happens for a reason and the soul of the little being is safe instead of being born into a torn family. >Hug<

Men like that (humanbean's runaway husband included) are absolute vile scum for endangering someone else's life with god knows what they pick up over there & then drag it back to their unsuspecting & innocent wives. [bleurgh] I hope you can secure your bank account and make sure he does not leave you nothing in there and fritter it away on some hookers in BKK.

Do you have friends and family close by? I'd seek their support and would try to get the ball rolling while he's away and not able to sway your opinion. You deserve better than being lied to and potentially infected and left to scrape by on next to nothing. Go girl and kick him in the balls.

Thanks. All my family are in Oz & have been great support with this (not so great when I 1st moved back but we seem to have got over that thank goodness). They can't believe it either, he's such a nice charming guy. Just had a txt from Dh, he 'can't say goodbye to us, the babies need both of us' & has given me 2 options which both involve me moving away from my family (either back to the UK... which I do miss but have no other support there, or interstate). I contacted lawyers in the UK when I found out about the regular trips to Bangkok. People in denial believe the STD's from a towel I guess, just like DH expected me to believe the viagra was a herbal remdy to give him energy, & yes he'd bought it but he didn't end up taking it.. gave some to 2 young blokes he met in a bar; then said he didn't even know it was in his bag; then said he'd actually bought it because we hadn't seen each other for so long he was worried he wouldn't be able to 'perform'. There was no affection, let alone sex, while he was here this time. He swears he's always been faithful & I so want to believe him but I don't trust anything he says anymore. Guess I should get checked out though if this has been going on for a while...

oh sweetie, yes, do get checked out!!
so glad you have your family there
and

He expected you to believe the Viagra was a herbal energy remedy?

Man, I know there's a drought and everything, but did he think you came down in the last shower?

Afraid you really do need a full STI screen. And tell him your babies don't need anyone in their life who would potentially give their mother a sexually transmitted disease.

We should be having a Sydney meet-up in the nearish future - keep an eye on the Living Overseas section for details. Sounds like you could use a fun night out!

sydney

Your H by sending you a text can't even be bothered to now have a conversation with you. This is non communication. Whatever the root causes for his behaviour he is no husband to you and no decent role model for your children. It will all come back to haunt him one day. Your main focus now should be on your children and you. Not him.

No trust - no relationship.

His behaviour with the viagra is also v dodgy - didn't take it after all, ended up giving it to 2 young men he met in a bar?. Does he honestly think you were born last week?.

What are you going to do now re him?. The ball is very much in your court here and I'd keep talking to the lawyers. I would also have a full STD screen done.

"she also believed her husband caught an STD from a towel"

Your friend sounds like she is in complete denial if she honestly believes that.

He has given you options?????? WTF

Its him thats needs to decide not laying the law down to you
Or you could make the decision for him

So sorry you are going through this

Unbelievable. So sorry about everything - this, the MC, everything, what a shit. He's clearly been cheating on you and I would imagine with prostitutes so yes, you do need an STI check. There are very few STIs you can catch from a towel, IIRC probably only crabs, so that's bullshit. You don't need him, and nor do your babies.

Jesus H Christ, he is a piece of scum, he is not the man you married, sometimes people change and sometimes they just hide it well, but this man is not for you, please leave him, I wouldnt normally say such a thing, but this man could potentially kill you, the places he is visting are just filled with disease.

Please know your worth, show him your worth, if he doesnt know it let him know you do, do not stay with this man, he will not stop and he will ruin your life, but only if you let him.

He sounds horrible, a smug liar trying to live a double life, without even the decency to feel shit when he's caught out. He feels no guilt at your unhappyness.

I can tell you that my x stormed into a solicitor in the UK who quickly cooled his jets ha ha! He had tried to take me to court to have the children ordered back to the UK. He wanted to have me charge with abducting them from their habitual domicile!!!

The fact that you're on benefits and he's living a weatlhy lifestyle won't make his weak case any stronger. My x shot himself in the foot this way as it shows where their prioties lie. With #1.

Your children are young and living in Australia with their mother and mother's family and support network.

So as bad as you're feeling about your husband's shitty behaviour, please don't add to your misery by worrying about the children being ordered back to the UK. It's so unlikely.

Hmm this story has a few similarities with my exH - he has been visiting Thailand frequently on business since 1993 (just after we got married). I went out there with him once in 1994.

DS1 born in 1996, DS2 in 2001 - not much sex after DS1 tbh.

Once very early on in our marriage he came back from Thailand and said he wanted to open a bar with a woman he had met there (just friends ).

Then a he had photos of a couple of Thai women he had met with another colleague and they had all been watching football in his colleagues hotel room!!

As far as I know he is still in touch with the woman he was watching football with.

By abt 2002 I was regularly hacking into his email - found that one of his mates had provided him with viagra. His mate had described them as 'sweeties' and initially I thought he could be taking anything!!

When challenged he came up with similar that he thought it would revive our sex life

Events above contributed partially to the breakdown of our marriage. When he came back from trips he was always very very grumpy - once said the only place he got 'respect' was Thailand.

The last time I hacked into his email (about 3 yrs ago just before we split I found that he was still in touch with the football girl and that he was looking forward to seeing her for some 'fun'.

He always swore he was faithful to me throughout our marriage but he certainly did not want to have much sex with me and I often wondered if it was because he was shagging someone over there. However I kept trying to rise above the stereotypes of that country etc etc

Fast forward to now we split in 2006 and he is now with new DP and has more children. Still regularly goes to Thailand on busines.

Hmmmm

Writing that down makes me wonder why I stuck with it so long

DON'T MOVE TO THE UK!!! Sorry for shouting! But your support base is in Australia, and if your husband wants to make the marriage work after acting like such a jerk his priority should be you. If he can't do that, then it's useless to even try, because it will just get worse if you move.

I have to add, that it would be easier to be a single parent in Australia than in the UK, economically.

What would you do if you moved back and the marriage didn't work? You would then have to try to move to Australia, and you could well face a legal battle to do so.

Sorry you're going through this.

Just wanted to echo what MadMarg said, I wouldn't move to the UK with him while your marriage is shaky as it means you have no-one to support you and could make it more difficult for you to leave him if it ever comes to that.

Hope things work out for you.

Am so sorry to hear all this. I would def not move to UK though. He has def been up to something.

I agree. Don't move to the UK. He's the one who's in the wrong, and so shouldn't be setting the conditions. If he truly cared for you and the DCs, then he wouldn't want to up-root you and them from family and life in Aus. That's totally unfair.

Also, if you have evidence to support the fact that the relationship broke down IN Australia, after you had moved there as a couple, then hold on to that. Airline tickets, mortgage, joint bank account in Australia? airline tickets.

Just in case. LIne up your ducks, that's all.

Thank you everyone!!! I wish you were all here to meet up with, I desperatly need some coffee buddies! (we moved to new town a few hours out of Sydney 2 months ago to be near my parents & have no friends here yet). Ninedragons your invitation to a night out is one of the best things I've heard in a long time (I don't get to go online v often though so hope I don't miss it)! Well, DH is still in Bangkok, & I'm still waiting for UK lawyer to get back to me with what I need to do next. In the meantime I am staying in Oz, getting my eldest settled into school (they start here at the end of Jan) & just trying to get some normality/routine back into our lives after a hellish few months. Not sure if he's invited, giving myself some time to think about that. Being in a marriage with no trust does not make me a nice partner, I know because I've been trying to do it for a while now (& with good reason not to trust as it turns out !!)
Wintercitylover your story echoes our marriage over the last few years, & trying to think the best of them. LiffeyMP, we never did have a relationship in Oz.. he never made it over for longer than a holiday, though he's had Oz residency since 2001. The kids & I only came to Oz in Sept 2008, with his consent. What was your situation when your husband tried to have you charged with abduction?

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Hi, Sydney, well, when I came back to Ireland, the only people I knew locally were my parents! But since my eldest has started school, it's become a lot easier. I do feel like I know people here now. It was a bit embarrassing having a local accent and being a billy no-mates to start off with though!

My x huffed and puffed when I left the uk, and accused me of kidnapping the children, but I'd TOLD him I was leaving and taking them with me. Luckily my x didn't go near a solicitor for ages. First of all he bought a Porsche, went skiing, had a few flings, came and went to see the children AS he pleased (and on the VERY good advice of my solicitor here in Ireland whom I consulted immediately) I just bent over backwards to accommodate the selfish arse for the first year, so that the children's NEW domicile would be regarded as Ireland as soon as 12 months had passed. So, I kept my head down and didn't mention solicitors to him, I didn't persue him for money either on the advice of my solicitor, although I did ASK for money.

Anyway, by the time he got his act together to instruct a solicitor to instigate court procedings against me, my solicitor just chuckled at his solicitor's letter, and sent back a nice letter saying basically, Elizabeth blah's children live with their Mother in a seaside village and have the full emotional practical and financial support of maternal grandparents. Mr Blah has not paid any maintenance since she left. so this has been vital for children's well-being.

There was other stuff too, about my x having known I was leaving. My x's solicitor must have said you haven't a chance of winning this. YOu could go to court over it but you aren't guaranteed to win, so, he dropped it thank god.

Hth!?