Awful jealousy about friends who are having their second DC's, am not a nice person but not sure why....:-(

[notanicepersonnow]

Title says it all I suppose. DS is 3, I adore him and desperately yearn for a second child, have done almost since he was born!!
I was an 'only' and whilst I totally know that that doesn't have to be a bad thing, I have always felt really strongly that just one Dc isn't for me.

Recently it has been one text or phone call after another with my friends and those who I made the 'journey' to have my DS (fist DC's for all of us at that point)announcing the births of their second children.

Each one literally reduces me to tears and I have had to distance myself totally from that group of people as I just feel like such a horrible person and struggle to be happy for them.Hence am now isolated and lonely on the days I don't work.

I feel like I am being left behind and so yearn for a second DC.

I'm 35 and my DP isn't really keen on a second, he has agreed 'in principle' but not 'at the moment' as we need to move (impossible with current climate) and cannot afford second childcare bill (where there is a will theres a way IMO)

Deep down i don't think DP really wants another and I oten wonder if he is just trying to hold out until its 'too late'. Every month , and I am feeling increasingly resentful towards him.

Just wanting to know if anyone else feels like this or have I completely lost all perspective?

Oh niceperson, I will call you that as I'm sure you are. I have been in a very similar situation, I have a DS of the same age and yes almost all my friends have now had another, and I want another baby so much. The difference is we are now TTC - but for a long time my DP was just like yours, wasn't really keen, tried to put it off, etc. It is hard as his feelings matter too, but a man can't know that yearning feeling, which is very painful.

I don't know if it will happen for me (I'm 39) but since we have been TTC the resentment has gone. Now I feel we will have given it a go and if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen but I won't be holding it against him IYSWIM. I think you need to discuss this with your DP, as often as you need to - don't suppress it just because he's unwilling. Talk about your resentment and pain and how much it means to you - not accusingly, in a calm way, but let it out.

These are some of the things I said to DP:

• I can't just stop feeling like this just because you're not keen
• It is not fair that your "no" wins the day just because it happens to match the status quo. Both of our wants and needs should be taken into account.
• with a 4 or 5 year age gap, the older child will start going to school so you will still only have to pay one childcare fee.
• if we start trying now, there is a chance it won't happen anyway (also true for you at 35) so in a sense TTC means it could turn out either way - whereas not TTC means it can only turn out your way which is not fair.

Now we are TTC I don't make a big deal out of it with temps and strict schedule etc, it's very relaxed as I feel I owe him that! But I want you to know things can change and someone who was in your position is now TTC

As for the friends, try to see them - admit to yourself it hurts, then deal with that in your own time and put on a brave face. As a mum you need other mum friends and not to be isolated (though I'm not blaming you for feeling so jealous). Could you confide in any of them? Alternatively could you look for new people who only have one child? - I know a couple and time spent with them has is advantages as our DC can play together without a baby to worry about.

Thank you snowleopard for replying, I was so worried no one would and hence i really must be an awful person.

The problem at present is that DP has placed 'conditions' on our ttc such as that we must move (have been trying for an age but thats a whole other thread). I accept that as we have really struggled to 'cope' where we are at present.

Our DS was not a 'planned' pregnancy and we had not been together long, but we totally love and adore him and DP now seems to genuinely like his role as daddy, but i do wonder if the 'shock' of DS coming along put him off the physical side of our relationship as he isn't that interested (that sounds awful- he is devoted to me and Dp and i have no worries that he doesn't love us). hence to conceive another DC we would have to be quite deliberate and 'try' and i can't see that happening at the moment.

Tere is no easy answer is there!!

Allthe best with TTC your number two!!

But you say where there's a will there's a way, and that's true. You would cope. And it's not OK for him to just impose a condition - what you want matters too.

Just keep talking it over and expressing your feelings - because he might be able to see your POV and change; I'm sure that's what happened with my DP. I really didn't want to bully or blackmail him into it, I wanted him to see how I felt, and I think it did finally sink in.

Good luck to you too.

I felt like this for ages. It was just as bad when I was ttc and others were getting pregnant. It hurt..I could barely hide my upset when I wanted to be happy for them (dd was IVF). Now, 9 years down the line, I am way over it and actually love having one...we're so close and we can do loads of stuff together without it being a big production. It didn't take 9 years for me to get here BTW, more like 4.

However, I do feel your pain because you feel you are losing your fertile years. You need to clearly explain to your DP that fertility drops off dramatically after age 35. You're probably still fine as you've already had one with no problems, but it's worth telling him the score (he may have no idea). Explain the benefits of siblings (so much easier to have two sometimes - I end up organising a lot of playdates).

You have a lot of talking to do. This is a big issue and needs to be resolved before resentment kicks in. Re. space issue - our baby was in our room for 6 months. After that they can share. Compromises can always be made if you really want something. GL - I hope you guys sort this out.

Please don't feel guilty that you're jealous. Jealousy is normal and understandable and ok.

It wouldn't be ok to be mean to these women because you were jealous, but it doesn't sound like you're doing that at all.

You sound pretty normal, niceperson! With me it was a very physical thing, and it doesn't matter if it is your second or your eighth that you long for.

I was pretty ancient when I had my 1st and 40 with my 2nd. It took a long time to really lay it on the line that we would either have a go at babies or split up so I could have a chance with someone else. Babies and parenthood are a bit like that.

Sometimes I would love to have another, and I feel similar to what you express when a friend or relations pops yet another child!

jealousy is horrible
i would do anything you can to be rid of it, not because it is wicked or anything, but because it is so unpleasant and corrosive for you
i wonder if any alternative therapies would help you? do you believe in that kind of thing? i would just take very good care of yourself and confide in someone you can trust

I know EXACTLY how you feel. DS aged 3, wanted to TTC no 2 for about two years. DH wouldn't try for over a year, various reasons. We nearly split up. Now 2 miscarriages in the last six months! ALL friends pregnant or on DC2. It is a horrible, horrible feeling. All I would say is, I know it hurts, but try not to distance yourself from your friends. I have been at the stage where I could barely look at emails, or face seeing anyone, especially after mc, but found that whether I see people or not, the feelings are the same about still desperately wanting dc2 and being madly jealous, but it's better to see people than not- hold on to those important relationships.

niceperson, is there something else going on with your DP - I'm just wondering if he's maybe worried about his erectile function or something and not dealing with it very well. While his other reasons are all perfectly valid, this just sticks in my mind as maybe an issue? He may suffer from incredible performance anxiety at the thought of being required to "deliver the goods" whilst TTC.

I don't think you're being unpleasant, and can totally understand where you are coming from. I am the same age as you, and have had to find some kind of balance recently between my body wanting another baby, and my mind not being able to cope (very bad pnd after DD, who is now 3)
DH announced a while ago i 'would have a hard job persuading him now' because he's worried what it would do to my mental health. Although we've decided now is not the time, I felt terribly (and irrationally) resentful of him saying this.
I also have watched friends have second children, and have recently distanced myself from them a bit, as they seem to have more in common with each other when we all get together, and I feel I have nothing to contribute to the 'it's harder with two' talk, while thinking, 'I wish it had been as simple for me to be in that position...

Have you talked about getting married? Does he want to do that? If he has lots of his reasons/conditions why you shouldn't get married either, I'd be starting to feel that he still hadn't really committed to the relationship yet.

Has he gone off sex to ensure (even just subconsciously) that you don't get pregnant again, do you think?

God, I'm the voice of doom. Sorry. But it sounds like there's more going on than he's admitting. Like you said, if he wanted another child, he'd find a way to make it happen.