think i still have feeling for ex....need advice pls

[mixedupfeelings]

dont really know where to start but i think i still have feelings for my ex p, its been 3.5 yrs since we split but he has always been at the back of my mind, i really did love him.lately i have heard news of him being in the area and he apparently asked someone i know how i was etc, they told him i was with dp and have a baby and he has said "i hope she is happy", now i cant get him out of my head, i keep playing scenario's of if we met up etc, and cant stop thinking about him, alot went on when we were together/split i.e we were both living abroad and i got pregnant and ended up having a abortion and i never saw him again as i came back and he stayed (i was messed up in the head by the abortion, the baby hadnt grown properly, if the baby would have been ok i prob would have continued the pregnancy, he doesnt know the problems with the baby) so i never went back, he shortly followed back to his family but i never saw him again, i could get in touch through his family if i wanted but what would you do? really need some advice, even if i did try and contact him,he could not want to see me, i really dont know what to do, i do have feelings for my dp and i have a baby with him but my head is so messed up, help

can anyone give me some advice?

I suspect you know deep down it wouldn't be a good idea to get in touch with your ex. What would it achieve?

well...where should i start...have one ex, dated from 16-21, ended badly but we soon started salvaging a friendship, he was my all but i learned to stand on my own two feet, also had an abortion ...for many reasons...now have 10mth old son with my dp, who i love but am i in love with?! he is secure but wheres the passion? less heartache but not so much excitement! well, me and dp haven't been getting on so well on and off since ds was born, discussed it with ex who went on holiday and returned asking me to marry him! am still actually with dp, the father of my child. have told ex i cannot see him for while...possibly few years as he is the past, do love dp, we have child who we both adore, owe it to our family unit to give it good go.
you are flattered. it went wrong with your ex but he asked about you so you realise he still cares. of course you both have feelings for each other, you were together once. what is your objective here? if you love your current partner it may be good idea to really try to have relationship with him as you have a family and think of the hurt you would cause him by leaving/cheating. personally i would leave the past in the past, if you are both ever single again at the same time you could perhaps start a new relationship but you have moved on now. perhaps you are fantasizing not so much about your ex but about your old self a little before the baby came along (i think i was a little) and your ex reminds you of that girl! A young baby is very demanding maybe you are having a little mental escapism from the monotony or something! as the baby grows you will become more like you again! ...i don't know if any of this helps! i'm trying!

thefoodfighter, some good advice and points there, i thought i had totally got over him but hearing of him in the area has dredged it all up again, tbh i am not sure i love my dp, i care about him but dont know about love... we too have not really got on since baby was born and i feel i am only here because of the baby iykwim, i think more than anything i have ghosts i need to lay to rest and i am thinking if i could have a talk with ex p then that would do that, i dont know how i would feel if i saw him, like you said maybe it isnt about him, but about that time in my life who know's?

I'm not sure it's as simple as seeing him and 'laying a few ghosts'. For starters what if he decides he is keen to have you back and puts pressure on you to leave your current dp? Then you wouldn't have a few regrets and 'what-ifs', you would have a life changing decision to make (and not just your life).

I know that hearing things about your ex who you may not have quite 'got over' can stir up all sorts of feelings, especially if you are feeling a little insecure in your life at the moment but you have to remember that even if you went back to him it would never be the same as it was. you are older (hopefully wiser!) and have a baby to consider, not to mention dp. These things have made you a different person.

There is nothing wrong with having some feelings for your ex, he was a part of your life and you are bound to have happy memories. It's even possible to be friends (I am with mine), I just think that if you see him when you are in this confused state you will cause more problems than you solve. Personally, I would leave well alone.

agree with pixel, you are a changed person now, perhaps reminising on your pre-baby years! if you were to go back to ex things would be completely different, you would obviously be bringing a child into the relationship...seems theres a lot of hurt to be had here for all parties, you seem to still have feelings for your current partner, could focus on that?
...have a new question though...what does everyone think about being friends with ex's?! had a 4yr relationship and remained friends, dp was cool with this when we were dating but now he's come over all threatened and disturbed by it and wants me to cut my ex off...me and ex have been friends for 3years post relationship, he knows me so well, 7 years in total. do you think i should? surely its good to have friends in this world! ...or do i continue our friendship in secret? this seems wrong and makes me feel guilty, why should i be made to feel this way!

Well, by 'friends' I don't mean we go out together or anything. It just happens that our paths cross quite often, we have a good chat and are comfortable with each other. If either of us needed a favour we would feel able to ask. I'm still friendly with his sister, stuff like that.

I've no desire for the situation to be any more than it is but if it was a closer friendship, I suppose I would hope dh would trust me enough not to feel threatened. He's not the jealous or possessive type though so it's easy for me to say.