Dealing with increasingly moody and bad tempered boyfriend.

[moodygit]

I'm name changing cos he knows I post here. I'm a regular, promise! No trolling here.

He has never been abusive to me but he often loses his temper and lashes out - always verbally not physically, He has a history of doing this (from talking to his friends and family).

He often gets into moods.

In short he is a moody bad tempered git.

It can be like a shutter coming down. An example. The other day we were out walking an - out of the blue - he started ranting on about this bloke who owes him money for work and hasn't paid him.

Fair enough to be angry about this I think, really.

But..he then started ranting on about how he was going to kick him, knock all his teeth out etc. I didn't say anything, although I made it clear I didn't like his behaviour. I was hoping he would just shut up really. On and on went the rant until it got directed at me. I couldn't bear it at this point, just turned round and ran away. Perhaps I sound a bit precious, but really the bile and the aggressive look on his face was just horrible. It was like no matter what I said I was going to get it in the neck.

He apologised afterwards. He always apologises but this has happened before. So frankly, I don't think he's sorry. He doesn't understand why I was upset because, quote "he wasn't having a go at me".

In short, he is a MOODY GIT.

When he's not like this he's lovely. But I'm fed up with his moods, They are exhausting and I'm sick of being an emotional punchbag.

This is not right, is it?

He's so moody I said it twice..ooops.

You wouldn't believe this if you met him he seems like the nicest, quietest most gentle bloke.

But this anger thing...it really disturbs me.

It's a big red falg..isn't it?

flag, even....

BIN HIM!

Uhuh Red Flag!

How are his blood sugar levels? Does he usually do this when he's due to eat a meal or a while after he's eaten something sweet perhaps? My Dad is diabetic and if he goes low he just loses a sense of proportion and gets annoyed or whingy.

I think I'd be running in the direction of away. Does he recognise he has a possible problem? If he does and wants to do something about it then maybe hang in there...but something's not right.

Hi moody.

My personal opinion on this is: anyone capable of treating someone else in the manner you describe is capable of one day treating you in the same way. Personally, I'd run for the hills. I can't stand moody people - it's so rude and disrespectful.

Ouf of interest, how long have you been together? Do you live together? If the relationship is relatively new and you're not yet living together, it's even more alarming.

You don't sound particularly devastated, so I'm hoping your heart isn't too engaged yet and you can call this off without being too hurt.

If he's devastated, you need to explain in no uncertain terms why you have ended things. If he is incapable of seeing your POV and doesn't think he ought to change, then run even faster. If he does want to change, great, but make sure you don't allow the relationship to get any more serious until you see positive evidence of that change as he may just be paying you lipservice.

Good luck!

Not right, no. Does he recognise that he has an issue?

Is he depressed? My ex was depressed and used to lash out like this. In the end I couldn't take it and we broke up.

He is now being depressed with someone else-- apparently they row a lot!

I have never regretted breaking up with him. Only regret is didn't do it sooner!

How long have you been together?

Thanks all.

He will be very, very upset if if try to end things.

We have been together nearly a year. No, in all honesty, I would not be 'devastated' if we spilt up although I would be very sad.

I think he does understand that he has a problem BUT at the same time doesn't do anything to really address it, which makes me think..he thinks this sort of behaviour is ok really (I don't think it is).

It also comes out of the blue which is rather frightening. It is like a shutter coming down - you can see it on his face.

Most of the time he is lovely.

I think he's depressed but he won't admit it.

Thinking about this, this all started coming out after a bereavement in the family. But that's not the reason why, even if t has exacerbated things. I know it has been there before.

Also, another thing..if I disagree with him about things he gets defensive and snappy. Like if he plays music and I say I don't like it, FGS.

Hmmm. I think tomorrow a serious chat in order tomorrow.

He has a job interview so I will leave it until afterwards.

No hun it isn't. My DP gets like this and i did let it slide sideways sort of but then i realised how it would only get worse if i ignored it, NOT like naughty kid behaviour, he rants at his family as well, and say, he might say something along the lines of, so and so called so and so a cunt today at work .. i told them to make a complaint, thats not acceptable, or so and so said so and so to me today..you get the drift..then he will shout his mouth off at someone, and all 'thats unreasonable' ideas go out of the window.

So i began to point out the times when he does this.
The other day i told him he was an emotional abuser.
He was suitably shocked, then tried to say i was the same..so i asked, ok give me an example.

Queue silent treatment for a whole day which i pretended not to enjoy
after which it had sunk in somewhat that he was a tad unreasonable sometimes. Since then he has tried really hard. I HATE that we have to have a barney and i have to shout things at him, then it sinks in, i wish i could just tell him in conversation but it doesn't work that way with him, hopefully this will improve, the communication skills are a bit on the poo side atm, i blame his family lol
But he does try and that is a good sign.
I accept critisism myself as long as its constructive. I would rather talk than shout. We have got to the point now where he rants then comes to me after 5 mins and asks if i think he was being unreasonable.
Bless.
Some people respond to you trying, some there is no hope for..decide which your DP is and then decide if you have the patience.
Good luck, they're hard to change lol!

I must say as well in my DP's defence he does get a lot of crap at work and off his family, and has been through a lot, maybe has a touch of depression, but its still no reason to speak to me how he does sometimes.
I refuse to accept it or condone it or excuse it, however. I do point out as well that some of the problems he has may be of his own making, or he contributes to how they turn out, by his attitude and response. Opens his gob without thinking sometimes

Thanks for your POV BlueSapphire.

I must say his communication skills are not great. That has something to do with it. This is not to make excuses however.

In defence I think he genuinely does not see how much it upsets me.

Butthen I think if he was REALLY remorseful..he would make every effort not to do it.

he says 'that's how I am'.

Which inclines me to think...well that's fine but I'm not putting up with it anymore.

Also, good that your DH recognises there is a problem and is working on it. Sounds like you are dealing with things the right way

That's what I thought with my ex MG.
Depression or no depression, he was being seriously mean.

I have a friend with depression at the moment, and while I feel awful for her she is lovely and is always v nice to me.

You don't have to put up with it

Mine used to say thats how i am, like it or you know what to do.

I simply said, i am a stubborn cow and refuse to do what everyone else does and argue with you or leave you. I am going to try a different approach.

He knows he can be an unreasonable prick. In short, he knows if he carries on he will be a lonely old MOODY git.

If their communication skills are somewhat lacking, they simply do not know how to talk or take/give criticism, in the right way. I have often said he is very critical, and seems to 'lie in wait' for you to do something wrong so he can jump down your throat.

Hmmm...soon worked out where this came from when i met his mum and dad and saw how they spoke to him.
Hardly any respect at all. So he had bad role models, i said, isn't it about time you took control and responsibility for yourself, change what they have done to you. Prove that you are better.

And he has. Still has his moments though. I laugh most of it off, by which i mean, "Stop being such a frog or i'll have to slap you up" and laughing, it breaks the tension somewhat and makes him realise he's being a bit of a nob.
Other times he can get in a mood with this approach in which case i get serious face on and say, oi, i'm trying, take a chill pill .. then walk out and give him space. FORTUNATELY he is not the kind of wanker who follows you trying to carry on the argument.
Thats just THE worst kind, closely followed by the ones who think they are not at fault and will never be open to change. I'd rather have the silent treatment where he sits and thinks, and i go away and think, then we have some sort of meeting of minds where we both accept what went wrong and just get on with stuff.
When he starts being overly critical i give him the death stare. Or tell him he is nitpicking. Those usually stop it dead in its tracks.

You would not believe how much better he is than 2 years ago and me too, it has made me a more thoughtful person cos before i would have thought 'what a tosser' and walked away, now i am more willing to work on a relationship, and oodles more patient. Best of both worlds given the circumstances.

Its a matter of whether this bloke is willing to see your side of things and accept his failings, and whether you are willing to see it through. If you aren't, best thing to do is cut him loose and no one would blame you for that.
Last thing, i was told once, that you don't jump ship because it has sprung a tiny leak. And that if you love someone you won't be so quick to judge them, take your pick which one of these wonderful inspirational sentences you wish and keep it in your mind when dealing with his crap. Or on the advice of another MN'er .. just keep thinking wanker wanker wanker in your head while he is having a moan