Advise needed please dont have a go at me !!! I know 2 wrongs dont make a right !!

[soconfusseddotcom]

This is such a long story but here goes -

Been with my dp for 9 years married for 3 we have a 4 year old.

When we had been together for 2 years he cheated on me with 2 different girls in the space of a year I forgave him and we moved on then I fell pg and everything seemed fine he cheated again when I was pg and i ended up staying with him cos i didnt want to be a single mum.

From day one when i gave birth he was out every weekend and every weekend since for the last 4 years he has been out sometimes he dont come home and sometimes he comes home at 4 or 5 am !! he does nothing around the house and basically ants his family life monday to friday then he wants to act like a single bloke at weekends. Even our dc has said on the weekends now is daddy going out again ??

I decided enough was enough and 4 months ago i started going out and seeing my friends and basically having a life again I work and do everything at home.

I was stupid enough to gte a bit of attenton from an old flame and ended up having safe protected sex !!

I have now found out im pg and am at a complete loss what to do !!! I am pretty sure its my dh but dates work out it could be either also we werent getting on and living seperate lives it that anyway to bring another child up ? I am goijg to end up at home alone with 2 kids now and I am so upset I really dont know if i want this baby for the 2 reasons that I am not 100% who the dad is and 2 im going to be at home with 2 kids while he is still acting like a single bloke with no worries he knows im pg and we have told close family as im so sick and they noticed !!

Pleas any advice would be great

Oh god, what an awful situation for you! Tbh, I'm not sure how to advise you but I wanted to reply anyway. It sounds as if you used a condom with the other bloke? So, it would be really very unlikely that he is the father? I think you need to start by sitting down with your dh and telling him how you feel about his behaviour. Are you thinking about not having the baby? It's not clear from your post.

hi soconfused. You sound so miserable and trapped. I hope you feel a bit better just getting it out on here.

I hope this doesn't sound a bit harsh (I don't mean to) but I think you need to ask yourself some tough questions about your own role in this.

If you hadn't got pregnant, where would you see your marriage going? From what I've read, it sounds as though you're staying in your marriage more because you're scared of being a single mother than because you truly love your husband.

Regardless of the baby, I think you need to take a long, hard look at the marriage and decide whether you want to try to make it work or whether you should go your separate ways. Either way, you can't continue as you are as it sounds very much as though it will make you both, and your child (ren), desperately unhappy. If you want to make it work, and your husband does too, then there are lots of avenues you can try.

Although your marriage and your pregnancy are intertwined, it may be helpful to see them as separate issues as much as you can. Forget about the paternity for a minute and assume the baby is your husbands. Does that make it more likely that you would decide to keep it? Or is your real worry being stuck at home with 2 children while your husband parties?

I've got no real advice about the paternity isssue because I can see the validity of all the arguments you'll face about this. A child has the right to know who its father is, regardless of how convenient that is for the parents. That said, I can definitely see why you wouldn't want to rock the boat if it's possible it could be your husbands - why cause the upset if there's no need. But then, what if it isn't - your husband will have had nearly 9 months to grow attached to the idea of the baby being his, which will make the situation worse if he found out. Or you could say nothing, knowing that your child has been denied the knowledge of his/her real father and that the truth could come out at some future time. Or you could abort. What would be your husband's feelings about that?

I hope this all works out for you. It's a horrible situation to be in and I feel for you. I hope you can make your marriage work, but if it's miserable, please don't blow being a single mum out of all proportion. I am a single mother to two and I've never been happier. I find it incredibly empowering and I am much more in control of my life, far happier, and far more fulfilled than many of my friends in relationships. It is always better to be alone than to be in the wrong relationship. Hanging on to an unhealthy relationship can stop you from growing as an individual and a parent and can actually prevent you from meeting someone who would be the ideal relationship for you.

Best of luck with it all.

Hi

Thanks for your replys.

Well the more I think about the situation the more confussed I get !!

I am 99.99% sure that the baby is dh as I used a condom and we checked after that it hadnt broken or anything adn he didnt go inside me before hand but this still doesnt give me a definate answer and also doesnt make my relationship any better then on top of all this I have got the worst sickness ever and extreamly tired which is making me so upset !!!

DH also decided to go out Tuesday night when im so ill leaving me with our dc alone while im being sick and came home at 3.45am falling up the stairs !!

If I thought this baby would make us better I would be happy especially if I know 100% it was dh but im getting very depressed even looked up how to make your self mis carry which I know is extreamly dangerous and stupid but I am in a loss loss situation !!

from a very depressed and ill soconfussed

Oh soconfussed, wish I could give you a great big hug. You sound so unhappy.

Right, from what you've said, is seems extremely likely that the baby is your husband's, so I'd stop worrying about the paternity issue. Of coruse there's a chance it could be the other man's, but if you used a condom properly, it's highly unlikely.

Please, please, please go and get some counselling at an abortin clinic. I am not urging you to have an abortion, but the counsellors at these places will really be able to help you decide whether you want this baby or not. That's got to be better than looking up ways to make yourself miscarry. Your GP can refer you so it will be free, and your husband needn't know anything about it.

I think you need to take things one step at a time or you're going to become completely overwhelmed. Concentrate on the baby for the moment, and decide whether you want it, as you only have limited time on this one.

Once you've made that decision, then's the time to re-evaluate your relationship and see if you can save it or if it's time to call it a day. Either way, you'll survive. Keep remembering that.

I said in my earlier post that it seemed fear of being a single parent was keeping you in this relationship more than love for your partner. Take a look at my thread in the Lone Parents forum (a positive thread about being a lone parent). There are so many uplifting stories there from women no different to yourself, who had no intention of becoming single parents and wondered how they'd cope, but we all did. Not only that, we enjoy it! If you're relationship is over, don't hang on to it for fear. I'm not telling you to leave BTW, just pointing out that the alternative isn't as bad as you think.

Hang on in there.

You poor thing! Seriously, I think you need to talk to someone face to face about this. Please, please don't do anything potentially dangerous to yourself. Maybe you should go see the doc anyway - they might be able to put you in touch with someone independent who you can talk to about this so you can decide what to do? I think Optimist has given you good advice. The paternity is not the main issue at the moment, but the lack of support in your relationship is.