Just feeling so down this evening :(:(

[FiteFuaite]

And I just want to put this down because it is going round and round my head and my dh is tired of listening to me.

My mum hated visitors,she used to get so wound up and stressed when someone was coming and yet when they were in our house she was soo nice to them,offering them the best of everything and as long as I didn't catch her eye,I was ok.If I happened to,the look she would give me would cut me in two,it was full of hate and rage and anger with me yet it would disappear when she turned to look at Aunty/Uncle whoever.

It was always understood to me that she was saying,look how nice I am to these people,but not to you. I don't like these people and I am nice to them,I must really hate you.

I always hoped that when they left she would be nice to me but she never was.She didn't speak to me except to bark orders at me and mostly was silent.

The first time I went to stay with my h's parents (I was 24) I was flabbergasted when his Mum said good morning to me when I got up,and she actually kissed my h. I was just expecting to slink into the kitchen and to be ignored and was trying to keep out of his Mum's way but it was then I realised that my Mum's behaviour wasn't normal,was it?

Recently this all came flooding back when I was reminded how little she thinks of me. I have been involved in education for over 20 years and there was a vacancy for a teacher in our local primary,just for a couple of months which would've really suited me. I mentioned I was applying and she asked me 'Would you be able for that?' in a very dismissive/patronizing way and then went on to say that my 18 year old niece (a lovely girl ,btw) was thinking of applying,too,as she had just finished a postal course in TEFL and that she would be great for the job and how lovely it would be to see her getting it as she needed a job.

I said it to her that she didn't think I could do it with 20+ years experience but my niece could with no classroom experience at all and a dodgy tefl certificate under her belt?! She just said,ah you know what I mean. I hung up soon after as I was getting teary. I think she wanted me to help my niece to get the job and was expecting me to offer

I grew up believing that I was worthless and that everyone around me was better/more in need of attention than I was. She used to also put me down or speak badly to me in order to show other people how much she admired them. That may not make sense but she still does that,even now.I am 44 years of age but if Hitler himself needed help getting something off a shelf in a shop she would shout at me to lie down so he could step on me,or shout at me because I didn't predict that he would need help.

I am a leetle drunk and very hormonal so this is probably making no sense.But if I stop typing I will blub all over the keyboard and I don't want that because I will enver stop blubbing if I start.

I just feel so worthless,that most of my life has passed with me thinking I am shit and having a very low self belief.Sometimes I am really looking forward to having a shower and I don't let myself because for some reason I want to punish myself for being such a shit piece of work.

I must be,otherwise my mother would be nice to me,eh?! Sil treats her Mum really badly but her Mum worships her,as she worships dh and this just serves to make me feel worse about myself,I must be really awful

Your mum is - was, and still - ill.

You are not a piece of shit or awful... you are strong and incredibly brave to suffer and survive AND overcome all that.

Are you on the toxic parents thread? It's called "We took you to stately homes" or similar - lots of people with lots of support there

here it is

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

HOW can people treat their kids this way????????????
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I'm sorry, I don't know if I have anything useful to say except your mum treated you horribly and you deserved wayyyyyy better than this!!! Please look at the toxic parents thread, I briefly stumbled upon it because the thread title made me curious but couldn't keep reading because people treating their kids this way made me so angry...
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I'm so, so, so, so sorry for what you've been through and ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))!!!!!!!!!!!

I will check it out.I think I read some of it before but you know,I feel worse when I read it because some people on there have had a much worse time than me and I feel like a fraud

If I get any sympathy at all I start thinking,'ah it can't have been all
that bad I must be exaggerating'.

But I will have a look,thankyou for the replies I am feeling really down this evening,don't normally let it out

Whether it's "as bad" or not as X poster is beside the point.

It was bad for YOU.

Therefore your feelings COUNT and your experiences count.

Do not ever think you aren't worthy of discussion or support because you haven't been to the seventh layer of hell (although mentally, I think you may well have)

I have been through domestic violence; my ex spoke to me and treated me in horrific ways and punched me once.

I sometimes feel that it wasn't "DV" as DV means continuous beatings and all sorts of horrific things, but it IS DV because DV is all sorts of things on a spectrum, so to speak.

It's the same with you IMO - it's a spectrum. Just because you've not been treated as bad as X doesn't mean you weren't treated badly and deserve support.

Does that make sense? I hope so.

Take care - MN is always here to support and is a great let out I think

how are you feeling today???
xxx

hi fite, this sounds very like my grandmother who was believed to have had narcissistic personality disorder. It might be worth looking it up and see what you think - it results in all manner of irrational behaviour and most certainly is not your fault. I think my mum could well have written your OP. It's very sad but sometimes there is nothing you can do to change these people.

Hi there Fitefuate

Don't think that the emotional abuse (yes that's what it is) that you experienced makes you any less worthy of help than someone who has experienced physical or sexual abuse.

Just because you weren't locked in a cupboard and beaten with a big stick doesn't mean it doesn't count!

Obviously if you are 44 and feeling this distressed, looking at counselling or chatting to a sympathetic GP would be a good start if you felt you could do that?

XXXX

FF, I'm so sorry you've been through all that but agree with what someone else said, that you should feel proud of yourself that you survived it and are a functioning adult. Please keep posting when you feel bad because we can't tell you enough times that there is nothing wrong with you but lots wrong with your mother. She was wrong. She is not a nice person. You are just as important and worthy as anybody else. Don't believe her. If you treated someone the way she treated you, you would think you were a shit person wouldn't you! - well that proves she is a shit person and you don't need to value the opinion of a shit person.

Your story is plenty sad enough for you to post on the Stately Homes thread. I sometimes feel I shouldn't whinge on there because other people appear to have gone through worse, but if something is causing you distress it is causing you distress, simple. If it affected you badly enough to still be affecting you all these years later then it is bad enough to deserve support for.

Thankyou,all,I really mean it.I have been going through a bad patch recently and it really helped to get it down.

I don't want to tell my h too much about it as he has to make up his own mind about her and I don't want to influence him at all.

I do feel much better today,I just seem to overreact emotionally sometimes and start thinking how I would just love to disappear and not have to have the shame of being so shit to carry around with me.I think of all the years to come of not measuring up and feeling so ashamed that I look how I do or that I am so crap at everything. When I dry my hair or put on make up I can't bear to look at myself because then I would just say to myself,why do you bother? I asked my mother on my wedding day if my hair was ok (I should've known better!!!)and she said 'ah,it'll do' she didn't look at me when she said it,she never does,she looks at the floor or above my head,I'm not even good enough to look at,it seems.

And I feel shame,shame that I am an old troll when the other mothers in dd's nursery are all much younger and lither and prettier and I know that my mother would so approve of them.I wasn't much to look at as a child and I often believed that if I had been prettier maybe she might've liked me more? I have wondered for years why she has been like that to me and I think it just became a habit for her,when she was angry or pissed off with my dad I suppose I was there to be her emotional punchbag and the more she did it,the easier it got for her.

Sometimes she rings me when she is feeling down and I know that my job is just to let her go on berating me as that's what she does when she is feeling down.She doesn't do it as much since I answered her back a few years ago,but it does happen on occasions.

Anyway,I am feeling better now,it's been a while since I let it get to me,I normally let it wash off me but I get the impression that I have upset one of my brothers and if my mother finds out she isn't going to be happy.I have posted about him before,I have a piece of land that I want to sell and now that he knows I do he doesn't seem to be speaking to me anymore. My mother is all 'keep bro sweet at any cost' so I am on edge a bit that she will find out and go mad.

That's why i let it get to me. I am also being expected to spend over £100 on a family meal next weekend.It is my aunt's birthday and my mother and uncle are also going.I have no problem paying for my mother or even my aunt as it is her birthday but I am f**ked if I want to pay for my uncle a slimey bastard who was a bit too friendly as I was growing up. So that's going to be a problem when I tell them that I am not planning on going.

God,I have such a dysfunctional family and this is hardly the tip of the iceberg.

I do feel better,though,and I am touched that strangers on an internet forum even give a damn about me

Gosh,I am not really a troll in the trip trap sense,honestly I am more your grumpy old troll,who lives under a bridge

you know what, all families are psychotic to some degree, yours is just one of the extreme ones, so don't worry about letting it all hang out on here - someone's always awake on mumsnet and willing to help, and isn't that just great?