I am still reeling a bit from the shock of it.. can anyone advise me what I should do now?

[BigFurryStripeyTiger]

Having read some threads and links yesterday, I have realised that the problems I have been having all my life with my mother are most likely because she is a narcissist.
Reading a link describing the disorder yesterday was a bit of a revelation- it was her to a 't'.
DH read it, unprompted, this morning and came to the same conclusion.

WHat do I do? Do I just walk away? How will I ever retrieve any semblnce of a 'normal' relationship with my siblings independently of my mother, as she is firmly in the centre, doling out her vicious disinformation?

Has anyone manged it? Any advice gratefully received.

(Have namchanged)

I've kind of managed it. With my older sister not so much as she is an alcoholic and trapped in her own pain and denial. With my 2 brothers, both of them are aware that my mother is barking and so we have a reasonably good relationship.

A friend of mine was discussing this with me at christmas and saying how well we get on with each other, how we don't bicker and revert to childhood roles. I hadn't really realised that before and was thinking about why. I think it's partly that we've all desperately tried to escape our home and childhood and that has freed us to some extent, it's that we don't expect or demand anything from each other (which for some families like her's, for example, would be unacceptable - they are firmly in the camp of imposing duties and obligations on each ohter - if one of them moves, the others are expected to rally round and help, do the decorating, etc. This level of support looks quite attractive to me on one level, but otoh in their case it's given with a degree of resentment rather than freely. If either of my brother's (or sister for that matter) does me a favour, it's because they're doing me a favour, not because they're banking it for later IYSWIM. OTOH, the favours are quite few and far between, but you can't have everything.)

So is that normal? I don't know, but it's certainly better than what we had with our parents. I would recommend that you read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and perhaps a few other books (I'm sure people will be along to recommend more, but that is a brilliant beginning) and that you consider some counselling to get your thoughts in order.

Thanks for your reply.

Doesn't look terribly good for me on the face of it.

MY Dsis is not very well- drinks too much, can't hold down relatioships, suffers from depression and panic attacks- and lives on the other side of the world- but she still seems to go back for more from my mum.

DB is the golden boy and treats me just like mum does.
I will look into that book, thanks.

Hello Stripey Tiger

So sorry that you have made this discovery. I know exactly what you mean when you say you are reeling from the shock of it. On the one hand it is dreadful, but on the other it is liberating. All that guilt that you have felt all your life will fall away. You can set yourself free now knowing that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make any difference whatsoever to your mother, or any of your siblings who may be Ns.

You have to remove yourself from the nightmare game that they play. But it is possible to still see them, if you want to. You just have to keep in mind at all times that they are not actually human beings. Their reality is not what most normal people see as reality.

Shocking, but true. There is no way you can ever fathom their idea of reality. The only thing you can do is to arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can about NPD, work out what kind of N they are, and watch out for all their tricks.

And protect yourself and your children.

HTH xxxx

can you let me know what threads led you to this conculsion, i have serious problems with my mother and she IS very narcissistic - i'd be interested to read other people's experiences

i can't cope with the games my mother still plays with me now

so sorry you are going through it too

characteristics of nracisistic mothers

sorry (sp) narcissistic!

Thank you so much for your kind and helpful words, Gettingagrip. You are so right about the mixture of feelings right now.

christmasiana this was one you are having similar issues.

I must apologise for my bad typing.