Affair, now I'm pregnant

[Cazzywazzy]

Hi Guys

I had an affair with a good friend - both relationships breaking down, we talked and talked - he wanted me to live with im and build a future and a family blah blah. He wasn't living with his gf but I was living (in seperate rooms) with my dh. The emotional side was over a couple of months & physical side was very brief and all came out within days, my husband left me (we were heading that way anyway for other reasons and I don't blame him for finishing it)and my friend & his gf decided to sort themselves out and try again - they have two young kids. I accepted his decision too and totally understood it - despite the circumstances - too long too go into now - I feel I deserved it all. However, a few weeks later I find that I'm pregnant. After ten years of trying and various failed treatments I had accepted I was barren and this is a total shock to everyone. Obviously this child is a miracle and very much wanted. I deliberated and searched my soul and decided to tell the father whilst asking/expecting nothing from him. He was happy for me but obviously shattered with the implications. Anyway, despite his intentions it is 9weeks later and he has still not told his gf. We have mutual friends so she will know at some point and guess he is the father. I want this child to atleast have his name on her birth certificate and know where she came from. I don't want to pressure him and don't know if I should just disappear like a dirty secret or press him to tell, or tell her myself. I am totally lost

Wow - a lot going on in your life!

Is it important that he tells his g/f?

And why do you want his name on the birth certificate? It doesn't guarantee that he will be a father, although there would be some form of child maintenance if named....

What a lot - a bit too much really but everything always works out in the end - somehow.
I wasn't trying to make him be a father - I wouldn't want to try and force anything relationshipwise- but how will she (and it is a little she!) feel with 'unknown' on her birth certificate - the right to an identity? I'm not planning on asking for maintainance, if it's not offered - I reckon I can manage on my own, although I don't know what the future holds. DO they insist on taking maintainance regardless - I won't be on benefits but I would claim tax credits?

Ps I guess I want things out in the open but maybe that's about me. It doesn't seem fair on her as she'll find out at some point in the future and they are ment to be going for it but he says he wants to be involved... Or is he just trying to say the right thing to everybody?

Isn't it a matter for him if and when he tells his girlfriend? I would have said that was their business tbh. I would say you just carry on, and if he's too chicken to tell her, as you say, she'll work it out and the ramifications for their relationship are for him to deal with.

In terms of the birth certificate, I don't know but as the mother isn't it up to you whether to name the father or not? He can't elect not to be named can he?

I got pregnant in less than decent circumstances and he didn't want to know. has now come round but i know that he couldnt handle me pressurising him when pregnant. I left him to it. It was the hardest thing Ive ever done. Of course it's natural that you want his name on the certificate but he must want it too.
My ex is now stuck out in Iran and cannot see his own daughter. (see 'my dd hasn't met her dad as he is suck in Iran' in multicultural families.) He does phone us up all the time and thinks that the photos he has seen of dd of georgeous. But he has
decided to keep contact as i have stopped
trying.
Mabe let the father know how much it would mean to you but ultimately it's his call.

Cazzy i think youve just got to think about you and the next few months,what will be will be without you stressing over it.

If he does want ot be involved, he should be offering you maintenance as part of showing you he is serious of his relationship with his daughter, and helping you to bring her up. If you are not on benefits, no-one will chase him for it, no. Yes, you can claim tax credits & child benefit seperate of anything to do with him.

He will have to go with you to register himself as father, at the time you register your daughters name. By adding his name, you also give him parental responsibility of your daughter.

The gf thing - thats his call, really. I understand you must want her to know, but thats up to him.

Is that right scorpio? So if father wants to avoid responsibility, unless he is married to the mother, all he has to do is not turn up at the registry office? Surely there's a way for the mother to name him, or is that just if she wants to claim maintenance or insist on contact or something? I have no idea.

Last thing i knew, if you are not married, the father has to be present for naming

cazzy - just wanted to say, that in whatever circumstances - congratulations on your pregnancy! Look after yourself and I'm sure everything will ultimately turn out well x

you can't make a father have contact with their child, sadly. The CSA (i know its no longer but im not up to speed with new one) would collect maintenance, but the father would have to admit parentage. If he didn't they used to offer DNA testing to determine it. The social fund often pay for this.

If it's any consolation I have no idea who my father is. And truly it has had no negative affect on me as I was raised in a balenced loving home that was stable and of which I was the center.

Off the topic really - but I think it has given me an innate respect for relationship and partnership. As I have had no negative exposure to either men or relationships I seem to have always attracted men who were utterly respectfull too.

I have watched friends desperatley trying to maintain a parent relationship and it looks hard - and I have seen it result in a child who has very low self esteem and bonding/security issues [councillor says she has felt a failure as couldn't satisy both sets of parents and tried to spread herself too thin] She is 6!!

I don't mean to comment on seperated parents - not at all judgemental as a person so really I take a balanced view in this and this is one slant on the whole thing [I could be a single parent or step parent one day, none of us know what life will bring] but just to pop in and reassure that you can have a completely happy balanced child who grows up to have very minimal issues, even if the father is absent.

Good luck with your choices.

Agree with what the others have said, but just wanted to say congratulations!

Wow - thanks for all the responses. I'm going a bit batty with it all here on my own. I moved 160m away from home 18mths ago so I'm feling really isolated and this time is altogether difficult - tho wonderful. I guess I'll tell him what I want and then leave it up to him. It is so hard, I dreamed of having this baby for so many years and it was never going to be on my own but i fel unreasonable for feeling that under the circumstances

Congratulations by the way!

If you aren't married to the father, then for his name to go onto the birth certificate, he has to attend with the mother to register the child.

It doesn't effect working tax credits.

But agree with others who say that it's up to him to tell the g/f.

When your child is old enough, just tell him/her the truth; a very wanted child. The rest doesn't matter

Ditto what everyone else says but it wont physically sa father unknown on her birth certificate it will justv have a line through it, my dd1's has no fathers name and neither do i..
Congratulations on your pink bump I have 4 daughters and it is wonderful!

Don't feel unreasonable. My heart goes out to you. Noone wants to be on their own with a child but it is better than being stuck in a bad relationship. I didn't plan it to be like this either but we don't live in an ideal world.
I also have respect for relationships but I don't think taht a partnership is essential for raising children with self esteem. Barack Obama was brought up by a single mum! Need I say more? I think that my self esteen was damaged by bickering parents and a mum who put my dad before me.
Don't worry- you can do it and your child will bring you so much joy. Best of luck.

I thought I was going to get shot down in flames for my bad behaviour - so thanks for your understanding words everyone. I feel a bit stronger now and I'll just keep my head down and carry on. I AM terribly excited with it all, in a very fine position to cope financially and emotionally (most the time) & she's just begun moving too! Just found local site too so maybe some new friends there..

See all these positive vibes can only be good stuff for you and your pregnant self. Family can exist in a wasteland as far as children are concerned - loving supportive accepting adults who make them feel wanted and welcome and valid.

It's a whole new chapter in life isn't it!!??

Hiya congrats on your little girl

Scorpios info is spot on.. the father will have to be with you or give written consent to be on the certificate. This would give him PR and I would think very carefully about the implications of this, especially if he is not showing any commitment to your child. If he isnt on the certificate it will be left blank on the long version.. Once you name him to the CSA, parentage is 'presumed', that is it would be up to him to deny parentage and arrange a DNA test

cazzy, absolutely none of your behaviour sounds "bad", you have have had some tough breaks and you sound very together in your own head

congrats on your pregnancy, everything else aside, it is wonderful news that you have this fabulous surprise after you had accepted you would not have any children

< wipes away a ikkle tear >

You see, thinking about it I did know that if the parents aren't married the father needs to attend to make sure his name is on the certificate.

I suppose I just hadn't made the leap that conversely, should an unmarried father not actually want to take responsibility, that therefore means there is an easy way to do that.

Best of luck with everything, and many congratulations as well.

I would maybe wait it out and see if he contacts you to check you're both doing well, get to 30 weeks or so and then contact him.
You could always ask him to meet with you for a coffee or something and attempt to straighten some things out.

Given a bit of time he may decide he wants nothing to do with the situation and walks away, but at least you'll know where you stand IYSWIM.
Or if it's sunk in he may want to have a role, whatever size, in the upbringing of his child.
Goodness, given the opportunity he may even want to be present at the birth, but you won't know until you sit down with him.

Maybe make it clear you have no intentions on him and you aren't going to 'cause any trouble for him' if you'll please excuse the crassness of that phrase, but you wanted him to have an opportunity to be upfront & honest with you.
You could even say at this point that you do intend to tell your Dd of her parentage when the time is right.

He might be more than willing to acknowledge his child, go with you to the registry office, provide financial assistance etc, but just not be willing to tell his gf just yet. That's really his remit I wouldn't even ask whether he has done that. These things tend to out in the end one way or another don't they.

IME (I have 4 to the same Dh) they don't even begin to contemplate a baby arriving until the last couple of weeks of pg, stupid feckers!

Huge Congratulations on your very much loved and wanted Dd