should i put up with lying?

[steph29]

does anyone think it's no big deal to be lied to constantly? my dp gave up smoking 2 years ago but started again a few weeks ago - i only know this because my 9 yr old dd told me daddy was smoking in the car when they went out and making her cough. he had also told her not to tell me he was smoking again and has been sneaking out the house to go and buy fags and saying he was "just buying a paper" dd told me he was smoking with my relatives in the kitchen xmas day when i was ill on the sofa and couldn't move.
This isn't the first time either it's happened many times over the years despite me telling him i would mind less if he was just honest about it.Also we can't afford for him to be smoking it's ruining us financially and he just says he can't help it and is sick of trying to give up.
The truth is he doesn't really want to give up but i'm annoyed now i'm earning money too he is spending my wages on it!

i wouldnt be happy with it as a general principle. but well worth discussing the issue with him. finding out why he feels he needs to do it. ultimately his decision whether to smoke or not so seems odd to lie to you about it even if there is a financial impact on the whole family. clearly he feels guilty. just try to calmly discuss it woul be my advice for what it is worht.....

this isn't really about lying - he is not a persistent liar about all kinds of stuff like his job or other women or what A levels he got. It's about him avoiding a conversation with you about his smoking.

He's avoiding the conversation because then he can smoke and stay largely out of the S*, which is a win win situation for him.

Giving up smoking is really really hard. If it was easy he'd have done it. He's carrying on because it's less hard than giving up, even factoring in teh fact that he is walking a tightrope with you, hiding in the car etc.

How much do you care about the smoking. Enough to make his life so tough as a smoker that it becomes easier to give up than to carry on?

thanks nowwearefor he doesn't know i know yet i know when its in the open he will be relieved and use that as an excuse to smoke more and in front of me which will annoy me!
It's not just that that's getting medown anyway, various things are getting to me at the mo. He didn't buy me a xmas prezzie or b'day prezzie this year and ignored our anniversary like it didn't matter to him. I got flu just before xmas and he took the kids out and dropped them off with his parents to give me some peace then disappeared for hours. Came back looking all guilty so i quizzed him and only when i phobned the bank to get our balance did he admit he'd been off gambling my wages away in an arcade (an old habit previously liked with a drug addiction - he's been clean for 2 years and only ever gambled when he was high before)
Hesaid he didn't know why he went in and won't do it again but now i feel like i have to go back to worrying every time he leaves the house and not trusting him. we lived like that for 8 years and since we moved house he left it all behind and i thought we had finally moved on.
Sorry for ranting but i don't want to tell anyone i know.

i've tried giving him a hardtime over it in the past and it just turned me into a nag and he used to say if i moaned about it he would smoke more.