is he cheating?

[BrownEyedMum]

hiya it's not like me to talk about personal stuff on a website like this but i'm shaking and going insane and just need to talk to someone. won't go into all the details of relationship but it was very rocky in the start, and then i thought it was sorted out. we have a little boy who is nearly a year old, and although my OH hasn'[t done anything like feeding, changing, bathing etc the baby, i have recently started to feel that there is now more of a connection there, he'll pick him up more now and stuff. well yesterday morning OH got LO out of bed, got his (stinky) nappy changed, gave him breakfast, gave him his mid morning yoghurt, basically did everything for him. this morning was the same. seems very odd, almost like he's trying to prove to me that he can do it.

anyway i committed a cardinal sin this morning and looked through his phone - there have been a few occasions where his phone goes off constantly for half an hour or so, and he's smiling and laughing at messages (usually only person who texts him is me, or occasionally his mum, and normally he tells me who texts are from). so i just thought i'd see, but he's deleted certain messages - like friday night i know he got at least 6, but there's only one in his inbox, from his mum. (my OH is the sort of bloke who waits til inbox is full, then deletes the lot). so i had a look in his outbox and there are a couple of messages to the same number, saying 'hi honey' 'hi love' sending her his love, telling her if she needs him to get in touch, wishing her luck. he always used to call me honey or love, but can't remember the last time he did. can't remember the last time he said he loved me - i told him i loved him a little while ago, and he started telling me about some cat or something.

then there were messages from his mum this morning saying he was sick of living with me, calling me names, and saying he wishes i would just move out and leave him and his boy to it. then he said 'don't worry won't argue she's not worth it, she'll go before i do'

what's going on? do i say something to him? i've been shaking and feeling sick all day and i just don't know what to do. he's not the sort of person you can have civilised chat with, it's more argument or nothing at all.

well somethings up. how awful for you. when did it all start? did it coincide with something? i'd be racking my brains,as you probably are too. work colleague> did he go to any xmas parties etc?

I don't really know what to say but poor you

have you had a really bad patch recently i.e. to make sense of the messages he sent to his mum? Because they seem very harsh if not.

I think perhaps you need to confront him about this - maybe not letting on you know about the texts, but just say you detect a change in his character. See if he says anything?

Am a bit unsure about the text messages you say are from his mum, did you mean to his mum?

Do you own or rent your house/flat?

I would be worried because of the comments about you leaving and him wanting to be left with his son. I doubt very much that he would get sole custody of your child but this would scare me.

If you really don't think you can ask him about the text messages or have a conversation about where you are headed as a couple then I think you either need to decide what you really think the messages are about and make a decision based upon you and your child's future happiness.

Can you talk to anyone - friends, family? Look into options for moving somewhere else?

he doesn't work so no parties or anything - that's what's so puzzling, he barely leaves the house! not a particularly bad patch recently just that we've both been a bit ill - we got a new sofa a month ago, and i think he has slept downstairs on it every night since then except 3. he claimed it was better for his back, then he claimed he just fell asleep watching tv and didn't wake up, the excuses go on but i just feel he's avoiding being in bed with me, and of course my brain says if he doesn't want sex with me he must be getting it somewhere else.

thing is i know if i confront him he'll just say 'when would i have time to see someone else?' or that kind of idea. he's very good at turning things around like i've offended him by even suggesting he might be in the wrong.

thanks for your replies though - it helps that you don't just think i'm paranoid

messages to his mum, yeah sorry.

we rent our house, all the bills and stuff are in my name so if he's planning on forcing me out he's gonna have a struggle.

the thing about my baby is what scares me most - the messages to this other woman all say 'love from oh and ds' so obviously she knows about him, i can't help but imagine he's trying to push me out and move her in to his little ready made family. the worst of it is that even though i do everything for out son and always have, he only ever wants his dad. he never wants me to pick him up or cuddle him, and if i am holding he does a dive for his dad as soon as he walks in the room.

i haven't really got many friends because all my friends are oh's friends, and i haven't got a lot of family just my mum who doesn't like oh anyway so i can't discuss anything like this with her.

Good news that everything is in your name. Given that you say raising it will not be civilised I am not sure what to suggest

On the other hand it seems really odd that he would be signing his text messages from him and your son! Could it be a family member? Can you get hold of the phone number and text or call it from another phone to see who answers?

That's what I would do - just to get a better idea of who it is he's texting.

Sounds like you are going to have to have it out with him, even if it does result in an argument, you need answers.

Sleeping on the sofa is not good so i would start with asking him why he does this? ask him if he actually wants to be in a relationship with you? if he says yes, then tell him he needs to come to bed. He will probably twist things around to make it look like it is you who wants out, so just be calm and firm with him, if he shouts, keep your calm, tell him if things dont change you want him to move out, if he wont move out seek advice from the CAB, dont let him force you out first.

Sounds like you are going to have to have it out with him, even if it does result in an argument, you need answers.

Sleeping on the sofa is not good so i would start with asking him why he does this? ask him if he actually wants to be in a relationship with you? if he says yes, then tell him he needs to come to bed. He will probably twist things around to make it look like it is you who wants out, so just be calm and firm with him, if he shouts, keep your calm, tell him if things dont change you want him to move out, if he wont move out seek advice from the CAB, dont let him force you out first.

Poor you, what a horrible thing to find out.

What's your relationship with his Mum like? Could you speak to her?

Don't worry about your ds, my dd2 used to be like this with my dh, but it passes. You will always be his Mum and nothing can take that away from you.

Do 141 before you dial the number and call it.

Pretend you're looking for I dunno, Sheila. When they say it's not them, say "oh sorry I'm sure its this no, who is this then...."

Sneeky but works.

How old is baby? My DD used to do that, it is a phase and it does pass.

How about a word with MIL innocently enquiring if things are OK with him? Tell her you want some advice as he seems unhappy/distracted and you don't know what to do for the best.
FWIW I don't think looking in his phone is a cardinal sin but it's a bit like eavesdropping - best to prepare to hear something unpleasant. I have never been tempted to do this in a good relationship but recently had doubts confirmed after I became suspicious of a "too good to be true" relationship. I was very glad to know the truth before I got taken in bigtime. I also phoned 2 of the OW involved and they blew him out too for doing same to them. What a smooth talking player he was!
A lot of my friends were shocked that I did this and at the severity of my reactions, but I'm too settled and happy as I am to risk someone taking the p. Not sure if he was boosting his ego or wanting more than my time and attention, but I felt relieved to get rid of him as he was rapidly worming his way in with my friends and family, finding out lots about me and keeping his business very much to himself.
Anyway, enough about me - what will you do next?

have already copied the number into my phone, was the first thing i did! but i thought 141 only worked from bt phones, not all mobiles? cos i've been desperate to phone. just to see if i recognise her voice.

i thought i got on really well with his mum, but at the end of the day i suppose he's her son so she's always going to be on his side.

i think it works from mobiles too. Can you call another no or your home no to try it (dial 141 and your home number, then do 1471 from your home no...)

all the best x

Yes BEM, MIL is on his side but you are part of his life so if you are asking how you can make the situation better she may let you in on whats going on. I would be worried if she dismisses your concern out of hand though, since this might mean she's colluding with him.

i'm racking my brains now trying to think if it could be a family member, i'm so desperate to find some innocent explanation for the whole thing. but i'm also trying to think of other evidence, not just his phone, so that if and when i do confront him i've got something else to mention.

i mean, there's the fact that having worn his engagement ring permanently for a year he now hasn't worn it for two months - originally taking it off claiming it made his finger sore, fair enough, he was ill and a bit feverish at the time so maybe. but i've just given it back to him today and he still didn't put it on - i asked why, and he said his finger was still sore (STILL!???!), then went on to find a load more things wrong with his finger. i'm sorry to go on about stupid little things, but they go round and round in my head and i just can't think of anything else.

might see if my friend will phone the number for me, it's got to be worth a try. just seems so odd - if it was someone in the family, surely he'd say all three of our names?

141 works from mobiles too

haven't got the courage up to phone the number yet, plus it's hard to find a time when oh isn't around. but his phone hasn't been going off very much lately, and he's been far more attentive to me. he's started sleeping in our bed again, without me having said anything, and we've even booked a few days away by ourselves later in the month. so what's going on now?!

Well, it does sound really odd.
It sounded initially like he was trying very hard to make you confront him (subtle stuff) and then he would say 'Ok, if you don't like it leave' and hope you would go so he could move her in (I doubt it's family if he is calling them honey)

That was what came to my mind, tho might well be wrong.

Maybe he has had a change of heart since then? Or else he is trying to soften you up a bit for some reason. Either way I'm not sure if you want to be with a man who is being so uncomitted and talking about you like that behind your back? It's all really weird. I'm sorry you're going through this

I think Fwiw you need to be planning in case he is looking to end things, or in case you decide to.
Will you be able to cope financially etc if he goes? How would you feel about him coming to see ds?
If you make a few rough plans you'll feel better whatever happens.
Take care x

Sorry if I have misunderstood but did he say about you that he wanted you to move out, and that you weren't worth an argument?

If he did then surely whether he is seeing somebody else is irrelevant anyway. That's about as nasty as it gets.

From what you say about not helping with his son despite being unemployed (again sorry if misunderstood) it's hard to see reasons to stay with this person from what you've posted.

Apart from being back in the same bed are thiings really any better? Do you not think you are just putting it off? Can you live like this?

I personally wouldn't have it out with him but would caary on as normal whilst transfering money to my own account to make sure if it all went tits up I had some money there for me. When I felt I had enough i would then confront him, and if was all inncocent well I'd just keep the money for a rainey day - but thats me, you must do what is right for you.

Sorry can't say anything more. Good luck.

What are his good points? Can you think of any, apart from the fact that he's a Man and therefore demonstrates to the world that you are Not SIngle?
Sorry if that's a bit harsh but you are coming across as someone desperate to hang on to a rubbish relationship with a man who is clearly not that bothered about you, rather than be alone. I would strongly advise you to get in touch with CAB etc and work out all your rights WRT the house, what benefits you would get as a single parent, etc. It's good to know this sort of thing before you sit your partner down and say, look, are you sure you actually want to be in a relationship with me? If you do, will you start acting as though you do - and if you don't will you kindly sort yourself out somewhere else to live?

i will reply properly soon as i can, just a bit tricky with oh being around house all the time. but i'm not just avoiding answering!

he does have good points. i know it sounds like i'm just hanging on to save being on my own, but when things are good between us they really are. he can be really caring and affectionate and he really makes me laugh, he's just a bit inconsistent. i think maybe what he said to his mum was just a result of being in a foul mood - everyone says things they don't mean when they're p'd off.

but in response to quint - all the money is in my account anyway, even his job seekers comes straight to me, so no worries there.

i'm still not sure what those messages were all about but he hasn't text her since 4th jan, and that was just one of those stupid new year chain texts. so there can't be anything major going on if he very rarely goes anywhere without me, and hasn't been texting her either.