What is happening to me and why and what do I do about it?

[skyblu]

It's starting to dawn on me that the relationship I am in is potentially going to mean that I do not get to acheive/do/have what I want (and always thought I'd have)out of life.

Maybe it's the time of year? Maybe it's recent events? Maybe it's age?

But I am in this relationship deeply and I do love my Partner. We have also worked so hard at it always, without popping our heads up to breathe, let alone live.

We have been together for 8.5 years. We have one DC together who is 6.5.
We have a very large mortgage and lots of finanial 'issues'.
I feel like I am trapped within my relationship, which would be fine if I was getting out what I wanted out of life....but I'm not. I don't feel like I am living, just surviving.

DP is happy - everything is pretty much how he wants it (apart from the finances).

Have tried talking to DP. Have been honest and laid all feelings on the table - didn't choose a great time though. Late at night and after I had a couple of drinks. I got a very limited reply.
He said we would talk about it another night.
4 nights have gone by....not a word.
He's just been trying really really hard to be nice to me and try to get me in a 'good' mood. Think he thinks (hopes) that we can then forget about it.

I feel so differenty about everything at the moment and I'm not sure if it's just a 'New Year' thing or what it is..??

I would love to get some councelling to help me clear out my head and organise my thoughts, but there just isn't a spare penny at the moment.
Maybe I'm bordering on depression?

Asked DP to come to councelling with me 6 months ago. He said no, we could improve things by ourself. Asked him again 4 months ago - no reply.

I made this bed, and worked hard at it so do I stick, stop moaning and get on with things or do I need to make some pretty hefty decisions which will affect other people's lives?

Sorry this is long...thanks for sticking with it.

What is it about your relationship that is stopping you having what you want?

Are you content on a day to day basis?

I ask this because I can recognise a lot of what you are saying - I have a husband, a son, a mortgage, a job, a nice house in Suburbia - and sometimes I feel terrified that this is it! That this is all my life will ever be - I'm 37 and I'll never travel round the world with nothing more than a rucksack, I'll never get a fantastic career, I'll never marry Morten Harket

I am in touch with an ex via facebook and there's nothing going on - we really are just facebook friends - but it makes me remember the 'me' I was when I was dating him 15 yrs ago and I wonder what I could have become if I'd made different decisions.

But then I look at my DH and my DS and realise how much I love them, and realise that generally I am content. And the little moments of real joy (like watching DS's reaction to the snow this morning) are enough.

But it sounds as if you are not content - have you identified exactly what it is you want out of life? If not, that might be a good place to start.

skyblu
could it be that you've just hit a bad patch?
you mention the obvious financial pressure that you both have
you also have a dc whose needs have to be met
do you ever spend any time together outside of your home environment?
i appreciate that you are probably aware that the early heady carefree days of your relationship are gone but have you considered the idea of somehow making the time to date again?
Dont know if this actually works as such but i would imagine that a little time on your own together once in a while might be good

What is it that you want skyblu...is it work, different friends, time to do something yourself, study, or is it something on a deeper level ?

The answer to your question Clumsymum is my partner!

After a long time of dismissing it, I have finally admitted to myself that I want another child.
My partner does not. We agreed many, many years ago that we would just have 1 and that has been fine with me until recently.

I want to get married - can't believe I'm not! We've been 'engaged' for 5 years now with not a hint of atual marriage. We can't afford it is a great excuse (as it's true) but we actually could afford to it somehow if we really tried and just went away by ourselves...but there's always a reason, always an excuse. I have come to reaslise that actually...it's never going to happen.

If I can't have any more DC's - then when my son is in his teens I'd like to progress my career which would involve travelling - which I'd love to do! My DP already shows great 'disgruntlement' to this - so I know that that is a battle possibly awaiting me.

I might like to further my education at college or do a course as a hobby - DP is insanely jealsous of any activity (or job) which may mean that 'men' are present. More battles awaiting me.

I want to 'talk'/'chat'/'discuss' - I get more conversation out in a ten minute school drop off than in a whole evening with DP.

Oh and I want a dog - one day. DP doesn't - ever! We have a cat.

No, I'm not content on a day to day basis because I now hate my job as well - actually, maybe that's what's bringing all this to a head?

BUT, again, so trapped! I earn a decent salary, and I work from home so I have no petrol costs, no childcare and I get to take DC to school and collect him every day - it's all so perfect....

Except things have changed a lot at work & I don't actually enjoy my job anymore. So now I'm isolated, lonely, frustrated for most part of the day.

I can't change my job though as we strongly rely on every penny I earn.. I'm pretty sure I won't find another job - especially in the curent climate, that pays me this wage with so many perks.

Ok, so it sounds like there are many 'control' issues there in your relationship. He puts blocks in, be they real or 'emotional' between you getting the things you need/want to feel fulfilled. It sounds as though he is frightened of you leaving him if you change or further yourself in any way. The opposite is in fact true i.e. if he doesn't let you grow you will be crushed and feel like you have no alternative but to leave .

I think Relate (by yourself if he won't come) would be really helpful or some other counselling or therapy (some services will offer it free or cheaply if you are in financial problems - or you could get some sessions via your GP?

There are several problems within your relationship.

The child issue (you would like another, he does not) could well be a deal breaker for your relationship ultimately.

Who has put up the most resistance re getting married?. Why won't he marry you?. It may be that he ultiamtely does not want marriage. A 5 year engagement without marriage sounds like he has cold feet and problems committing.

Your partner as well has jealousy and insecurity issues (this is linked to his low self esteem) because of his insane dislike of you working with other men. Trying to control you in such a manner is counterproductive for him. He likely thinks you're going to leave him for someone else. He needs to sort out that problem for his own self now because it will eventually become a self fulfilling prophecy - he drives you away by his behaviour.

Maybe you do ultimately need to find someone else. You do not sound at all happy currently.

All these issues need addressing properly, if he won't go to Relate counselling (and that would say a lot to me if he did not want to go) go on your own.

Controlling men as well are often angry ones too.

You may want to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Laidbackinengland

"It sounds as though he is frightened of you leaving him if you change or further yourself in any way."

That is absolutely spot on!

In the early days of our relationship he would even openly admit that. But I supidily, youngly and niavly pandered to that and now I've backed myself into a corner.

Our relationship is not straight forward. He was cheated on with by his first partner.
Second partner he married, but was almost 'suicidely unhappy' and eventually they divorced, messily & nastily. She did (and still does) use his children against him.
I had just split with a wealthy & intelligent 'first love' when we got together.
He says I am the best thing that's ever happened to him (backed up by all his family who say the same to me on the quiet). Says he can't beleive I'm with him (especially after the life I could have had with my ex) and never wants to lose me.

He's now, finally, right where he wants to be in life - so wants to completely ignore, that I'm not, incase i rock the boat I guess.

"The opposite is in fact true i.e. if he doesn't let you grow you will be crushed and feel like you have no alternative but to leave."
Have tried to explain the above several times during the course of our relationship...he doesn't get it at all.

AttilaTheMeerKat

You are so right too. I have spent all the time I've known him doing this analyzing.

He is angry. He does have low self esteem. BUT, I know why. I know all his history, through his childhood to now and have peiced together exactly what his problems. I think this is why I allow this. He has not had an easy life.

But I can't make him face this if he doesn't want to himself. I know, he needs to wind the clock back to when he was 16 and lost his mother and actually DEAL with everything that happened from that moment on.....but if I ever suggest this or anything similar he responds "what are you on about" and "what a load of crap" and "don't try to psyco-analise me" "oh so it's all my fault cos my mum died?!" and he switches off like he's not listening to a word I say anymore.

This would all be so easy to deal with.....if it weren't for that fact that we have a 6.5 year old son

My question is also why this is happening now?

I've known all this for all our relationship. I've known all along that he is trying to control me and I've played my hand carefully and wisely and eventually got us moving forward.

I wonder why it's now that I feel like I've lifted my head above the water and taken a good look around?

Is it my age (33)? Do I need to start seizing momements? Is it usual to have a kind of 'mid-life crisis' at 33?
OR Is it the time of year (New Year, new beginnings) and will it go away and everything settle around February when we're settled into the new year? Does anyone else feel like this at this time of year?
OR is it becaseu we've been together for 8.5 years now? His DC's are not 'little' any more? Is this a sort of '7 year itch' thing? Will it go away?

Yes, but your son will gorw older and leave home and have his own life - will you be able to say the same for you ?

It really could be ultimatum time. He needs to understand this, not as you navel gazing, but as you needing more and if you dont the consequences will be XYZ, perhaps leaving or separating. He is sabotaging his own relationship here, perhaps to elicit the same patterns of relationship (abandonment) that he has always known. If he is really uncommitted to change the relationship so it works for you too then, I would question his commitment to you.

sky, it could be all or none of those things, are there reasons why you have tolerated being controlled that you need to address ?

Hi skyblu,

He certainly has not had an easy time of it but you're now feeling miserable as a result of his past unresolved issues along with his ultimately poor relationship choices. Many people have had a series of hard times and or a series of relationships where he/she chose poorly but they don't all end up at the point you are at now. He cannot use his past partners behaviour as a stick to beat you with - you are not them.

If he does not want to deal with his issues (and he needs to realise as well that you will not necessarily behave like either his first or second partner) then that is unfortunately his choice. If he won't change and or discuss his issues with a counsellor then you may need to think about where your relationship will ultimately lead and what he as well as your son's Dad will teach him about relationships. I think at heart your partner is frightened of opening his Pandoras box - dismissing it as he has done indicates to me a deep fear. He is frightened of you leaving him as the others have done but he has also caused them to go.

I also think that his dislike of you working with other men is very worrying too. It indicates further insecuritues on his part; insecurities that will ultimately destroy any relationship he has.

I would go to counselling on my own in these circumstances particularly if he is dismissive of such ideas.

I've tolerated being controlled because I felt sorry for him.

I saw the good, the kindness, the generosity - yet somehow life does seem to have dealt him such a harsh, raw deal, time & time again.

I watched him go through hell with his his ex-wife. She treated (& still treats) him terribly.

I think I feel a bit like he 'saved' me, if you like too. Way back...8.5 years ago. So, maybe I've felt like I owe him or something (not that he would ever view it that way!!).....

...I'm almost crying now....there's so much that needs dealing with and I haven't the first clue how.

Maybe the New Year has stirred up feelings that you have suppressed for a long time.

Perhaps after both having a child by him and a five year engagement you would have expected things to have moved on to another "level" of commitment. But they have not. Maybe this is why you are thinking as you are now.

skyblu,

You met each other when you were both very emotionally vulnerable and you latched on to each other.

You cannot though act as someone's rescuer or saviour in a relationship; either approach is often doomed to failure. You have been very considerate of him, he unfortunately has not reciprocated.

He needs to also address his control issues towards you - you have tolerated his controlling nature for too long. Perhaps you did not fully realise in the early days the extent of his controlling. However, he will likely not address these at all so you need to work on you further. His dislike of you working with other men is also controlling behaviour.

Attila - yeah, you're right! Thank-you for writing that down - that's exactly how I feel but I didn't know it or know how to verbalise it.

Thank-you for talking to me. You are helping & I appreciate that.

Somehow I need to verbalise this to him and get him to agree to Relate. How on earth?!

Already, I know this is another row waiting to happen, no matter how I broach it.

skyblu,

That's quite alright.

He must listen to you for one minute without any interruption. I would tell him this before you talk.

I'd not beat about the bush, tell him your concerns. If you want to go to Relate on your own tell him this, also ask him if he would be willing to go with you. If not ask him why?.

I hope it does not end in a row; that won't help anyone ultimately.

Hi Skyblu - please don't wait for your partner to make you happy - he may seem controlling, but perhaps you are giving away some of the control to him. For example, you could go to relate on your own, or you could let the fact that we won't go with you stop you from going.

It sounds as though you have been happy in the past, what were the things that made you happy together - are they still there in your relationship.

If you have developed and become more independent, he may be feeling scared, so will need lots of reassurance about your continued love and respect for him, while you start doing more of the things you need to do. Perhaps by taking things one step at a time you can show him tangible proof that he does not need to be scared. A big list of things that need to change would seem daunting to anyone.

Good luck

Hi skyblu, just wanted to check in and see how you were doing ? Sorry I had to disappear off the other day , I had a friend drop round unexpectedly. Have you managed to chat to your DH ?