Lots of questions need help on how to leave an abusive dp.

[NeedSomeAdvice2]

Ok regular but name changer . After reading many threads on here I have realised I am normalising my dp's behaviour (i think)
We have been together for 12 years and have 4 dc he started been violent towards me when our first child was 6 months old ,he has gone through periods of extreme violence but in the past 7 years most of the volence has stopped ,he still hits me or pulls and pushes me around very occasionally and when he is in a temper he will say the most awful things .

If anything its the shouting and irrationa stuff he says I cant stand it when he shouts it sounds stupid I would rather he hit me then stand over me shouting for minutes on end .
I am pg again and know I need to get out I do not want my dc to grow up and think it is normal or to end up abusers or been abused .

The latest episode has made me realise we need to go he started last night at about 10pm telling me that our new baby was stupid and I should get rid (I am 20 weeks) ,it was contraceptive faliure but after lots of stress we decided to go ahead with the pg and he has never expressed any negative feelings to the baby before now .
He said I looked a mess and he wants a new life because I have held him back ,he hates me and I should get it through my thick skull he dosen't love me .

He hasn't been violent but did jump up as though to hit me and I said that if he did I would call the police this time his answer was "Why what will you do ,cry for half an hour then say sorry ?".

I do not have a supportive family so they can not help.

I am so scared of coping alone with 4 dc and a newborn baby and I really want to BF because of asthma and allergy issues in my family ,this si going to be hard enough with him around I wont be able to do it alone .

I need to stay here my dc need to stay at the school due to my dd's sn issues and the stability for all of them.

I do not have a bank account ,any savings ,a job or anything really its all in his name including the lease on here.

My dc love him and he is an amazing Dad to them just a shit to me I am scared they will end up hating me.

He uses emotional blackmail and knows exactly which buttons to press to stop me throwing him out and he really does not ahve anywhere to go.
Please help me I can not take it anymore going weeks and weeks of normality and then a big blow up.

Anyone?

You need to work out what you can do and what help is available to you. First of all call women's aid - they will be able to advise you properly: 0808 2000 247

Your partner sounds like a sad, inadequate bully and I think that you are doing the right thing in working out how to get out of your situation.

It won't be easy but you can do it - little steps. Don't think of the big picture - it's too overwhelming - but small bits at a time, and before you know it, it will all have come together.

There are lots of people on here who have done what you are on and will be here later with better advice I am sure. What they will tell you that it WILL get better and you can be free of him and make a better life for your family. You can. Wishing you strength.

I think you are making the right decision. Definitely contact womens aid. Don't be tempted to let your partner get wind of the fact that you are planning on kicking him out. There will be lots of people here soon with good advice...good luck

I doubt it would even cross his mind I would ever think of leaving him .

for you and your family.
You have made the first step. You have decided to leave.
Get in touch with Women's Aid and look at your options.
Do you have access to any money? Child Benefit etc? If so could you save a little every week/month without his knowledge so that you have something when you leave?

Your DH is NOT an amazing father. If he were he wouldnt disrespect, bully and abuse their mother. It is only a matter of time before your DC's see his behaviour towards you.
They may be upset initially but when they are older they will understand your reasons for leaving.

Echo all this advice NSA. You and your DCs do not deserve this. Stop asking youself why and use stealth to research your next small step to freedom.

He dosen't stop me using the bank and I usually have the card I could save some .

Yes but I don't know where to start at all .

I have a different take on this, i had a very violent ex who i did eventually leave so can see both sides of what is going on here, and do advocate the advice given, but just to give you the other take..
I felt able to tell my DP (not the violent ex but someone who was heading the same way) that i was unhappy and planning to leave, but that i didn't want to and wanted to work on it. The shock sorted his attitude out. Booked counselling through the docs, DP went to stay at a friends as i requested some space, and told him if he had time away he would realise what he stood to lose if his behaviour continued. The worst he had done at this point was push me but he had also been emotionally abusive and verbally EXTREMELY abusive, namecalling, shouting in my face ect.
Good luck with whatever path you decide to go down.
I think you will be better off without abusive DP to be honest, rather be alone and happy then with someone and not be respected, but i did give my DP another chance and so far he has worked hard because he did realise what he was about to lose.
Big hugs hun, listen to all the advice, think about what you want, make a list ect, or write a letter as if you were writing it to him, maybe give it to him, maybe not. I do not know your DP or his likely reaction, i understand what you say about not wanting to leave because of school and stuff, ALSO i understand (3 violent DP's) the emotional issues, the fact these men can be soooo nice and the next minute be monsters, you put up with the monster hoping that nice DP will show up soon.
Sometimes they don't realise what a bastard they are being until it is brought right to their attention..
I also know the temptation to stay with a partner or give them a chance to put right their mistakes.

Only you can make this call, but be armed with all the advice you have been given, and realise that he IS a bully, and is being very unfair with you and the kids, so it is his problem, and he needs to grab the chance to put things right if you offer it to him.
Don't put up with his abuse as it stands..it is not good for you and the kids and you recognise this, which is good.
He has been a pillock and whichever way you go, leave or let him have a chance to put things right, you are not at fault and deserve respect, so don't let him give you any crap. Be firm with him too. Oh and jump at the chance to tell him EVERYTHING he does that hurts you, it might rattle his cage a bit to realise what an out and out arse he has been.

Could you leave cash with a trusted friend/relative? (To avoid bank statements etc)?

do you have any bills in your name? could you open a bank account? but then you might get post so it would be hard to keep secret. I guess you need somewhere to hide cash, out of the house. start squirrelling it away bit by bit.
you can get housing advice from CAB or women's aid, i don't know whether you are in private rental or council but either way, if you leave, the council should house you although you may end up in temp/somewhere small for your big family.
best option is to save enough for a deposit and the first month's rent. check out with your local council how much housing benefit you would get and rent somewhere that will be covered. i assume you are not working? do you get tax credits? you will get a generous amount on your own, plus income support and child benefit. you may also get milk tokens, healthy eating tokens and a surestart maternity grant. once you are on income support you can apply for a budgeting loan or a community care grant for furniture etc, and freecycle is great.
i kno it will be hard with a newborn and 4 others but what's worse - alone or with this wanker?

PS he is NOT a good dad he is a dangerous, abusive dad.