I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this, but I don't seem to have the balls to sort it out.

[1530681]

My relationship with my husband is slowly driving me mad.

He has some kind of social phobia (imo, anyway). He'd be perfectly happy if we never had any contact with anyone else. I have been off work since 23rd Dec (back tomorrow and I am looking forward to it!) and since then the only adults, other than shop assistants etc, that I have had any face-to-face contact with are DH, MIL and FIL. No friends round, no invitations, no nights out together, nothing.

I am slowly losing the plot due to loneliness and boredom. He can't understand what my problem is - he's happy to live this way.

I've tried to tell him how I feel. He says he will try to make me feel happier, but then nothing changes.

I am so sad. I need more than dh and dd in my life. Is that so bad? I don't mind if he doesn't want to socialise, but whenever I do things on my own I end up dealing with his sulking, shouting and stamping about.

If I had any bollocks I would be shouting, sulking and stamping about too but I don't. I try to keep the peace. I care about what he thinks and I try to accommodate him. What I am basically saying is that I am becoming a doormat, always trying to keep him happy.

He says he loves me and he cares about what think and how I feel but then continues to act like a three year old if I want any contact with adults outside of work or our relationship.

It struck me over Christmas that there could be another forty Christmases in the future like this... I can't do it, I just can't.

But I can't seem to bring myself to tell him how crap I am feeling and start yet another row or listen to yet more promises about how things will change that never come true.

Please, come and help me find the words to start this most difficult conversation

I don't have the words for you but couldn't read and not post.

My DH is not this bad but certainly a "homebody".

I find it really hard to cope with.

I have started going out with friends and going to 2 gym classes in the evenings.

He is not happy about it, but I have asked him if he wants to do same and he says no.

If I'm honest it's putting a strain on our marriage - for example yesterday I wanted to talk about summer holidays (we have not gone away on a "proper" holiday for 3 years now) but he said he felt ill and refused to talk about it.

Hope someone else has some proper advice.

BTW your name is a bit hard to refer to!

Thanks HaventSlpet I'm a namechanger (obv) and I have no energy to think of a proper name. Call me 153

DH does the refusing to talk thing as well. If I bring up a subject he doesn't want to think about he just goes quiet. It's causing huge problems as I have no idea where I stand.

Most evenings he falls asleep in front of the telly. It's a shit way to live.

When I was on ML I made friends (didn't have any in this town before then) but they have all drifted away because I don't return dinner or night out invitations, never see anyone outside of school run etc.

Granted, he has been ill over Christmas and that has made the situation worse as he has been wiped out and incapable of helping me out or even holding a decent conversation. It's just brought home to me how bad the situation is - I have no-one for company other than dh.

I have to go offline now for a bit but I'd really appreciate any input anyone has.

TIA.

Your DH is emprisoning you, using emotional blackmail as handcuffs. This is just not on. It is perfectly reasonable and healthy for married couples to have a social life and interests outside their children and home, both together and separately.

I think you should try to find a counsellor to help you explain this to your DH. The two of you may well be incompatible and need to divorce, but you can at least try to make the divorce civilised.

Alarm bells - controlling man alert. It would be ok if he was happy for you to do your own thing but he sulks and shouts. He wants you exactly where he can see you at all times, doesn't want you seeing other people, women who might reflect a different normlity back to you, or men who might fancy you? That's usually the case when people are like this...it's jealousy + control and = bad for the mental health. You say you like to keep the peace but you know you can't carry on like this - it will make you miserable and ill. You will have to bite the bullet and accept there will be some shouting and sulks - but the alternative is too much to contemplate - a lifetime like this? You don't even spend quality time together

The not being ok with you going out thing would make me very unhappy. Different people have different needs, it's ok if you want to socialise and he doesn't.

Im a bit of a homebody, but not to this extent, we had people round and got a night out, but generally I don't socialise very much at all.

DP doesn't really go for nights out (his choice) very often without me, but I certainly don't mind him going when he does.

He does go out during the week, even if its just an hour round at a friends or relatives house for a while, it breaks the monotony for both of us.

I DID used to mind when DP went out without me and i used to act like your husband, DP gave in at first, but then I think he realised that he could not live like that and went out regardless of my sulks. As a result, my sulks have stopped, I know he's coming back and will be happier for having gone out (not that I get peace now, he constantly phones and texts and it drives me mad).
My advice is to make your own social life and ignore the stomping etc, hopefully when he realises nothing bad is going to happen then it will stop. Im generalising but I was really insecure and maybe you dh feels the same way?

Sounds like you are putting a lot of the emphasis on DH for lack of friends here. I can understand that his reluctance will make certain social activities harder (couples meeting up, dinner parties etc) but there is loads you could do to meet people and develop your own social circle. Invite one of the other mums out for coffee, take your DD out on a trip and invite her friend and mum along for the day, take up an evening class, join a gym, join the PTA , new hobby etc etc. Perhaps if he sees you widening your horizons and having fun, you might encourage him out of his rut.
You mention going back to work - can you foster any friendships there? girl?s night out at the cinema? drink after work?
Just a thought or two

Sorry - I have to leg it out the house but hope I have given you a new angle to try to find a way forward xx
No easy answers but not a dead end either

What happens when YOU invite people round for dinner?

153, I dont think you can make the changes you need to in your life and keep the peace with your dh. It sounds like trying to talk to him about his insularity wouldnt get you very far - he will just clam up.

Be pro-active - join a gym, evening class etc, make contact with the other parents you made friends with when on ml ( you can arrange to go out with them rather then invite them round). Dont have a big conversation with him about it - just do it. If/when he sulks, ignore it. This may force him to actually address the issue with you and tell you why he is unhappy with you having a social life - then you can have the proper discussion.

What sort of environment does he work in - does he have to inteact with lots of people in his job?

Isolating you and from other people and controlling you in this way is really a subtle form of abuse and you should really resist it. Make 2009 the year when you get out and get a life, even if it means going out without him. Maybe he senses how unhappy you are with him and knows that it is risky if you go out with others.

Perhaps the toddler tantrums could be dealt with in the same way as you would a real toddler - calmly, with reassurances that you still love him (?), that you hear what he is saying but it his behaviour is not good for you - or him. If you don't set boundaries now, this could go on indefinitely. If he keeps going on like this, and he is scary, maybe it's time to rethink your whole relationship and get outside advice.

My husband, while in no way as controlling as this, used to get really furious if I discussed our relationship with anyone else, for instance a girlfriend or my mother. So if I felt unhappy, I was meant to keep it to myself and not tell a soul. After a while, I just started ignoring him and carried on chatting to friends about whatever was troubling me and now he doesn't seem to mind at all. People can be given the chance to change, but your husband won't if you collude with his unreasonable behaviour.

THanks everyone, I can't tell you how much it means to have people acknowledge that how I'm feeling is actually OK and that there is a way to deal with it.

Some answers to q's and your thoughts:

Counselling - I will definitely look into this. I have told dh before that I thought it would be a good idea but didn't get much response. I think what I need to do is arrange it and then tell him rather than discuss it with him as discussion usually ends up nowhere.

We don't spend quality time together at all. At the weekend he likes to bundle us all in the car and walk round some shops somewhere - fine if you need something but every Saturday and Sunday, when we have no spare money to spend on anything? He has no idea of what else to do with our family time. I have suggested long walks (we live in the country) and cycling but he resists. I have asked him countless times to take me out and he doesn't. We usually have to pay for babysitters (we can afford it maybe once a month) but even if my family or his comes to stay, we no longer take the opportunity to have a night out. If I suggest it I get one of two responses - I get pretty much ignored or told he is too tired. I am finding this sort of thing increasingly difficult to deal with.

The last time I went out somewhere on my own (a day out with dd to visit a friend) I got home to find him sitting in the dark, pissed, being very sorry for himself and veering between snide comments and completely ignoring me. A couple of hours after I got home he lightened up and then seemed surprised that I didn't want to have sex with him . I no longer bother to arrange days out because this sort of thing isn't unusual

BUt I never pulled him up for it - for an easy life - it was never mentioned again.

Relationships that have been forged at work tend to go by the wayside. I don't live in the town in which I work which makes it harder. We are rural and everywhere is a long way from us. There have been nights out but on the rare occasions I do go, I will stay sober and drive home as I have no other way of getting home. Often this results in a sulk.

Every time I widen my horizons it ends up in me going back to this crappy life - I really don't know why. I live my life being scared of his reactions. I am too eager to please. He really doesn't like it when I do anything. He harps on about the cost as well as making it perfectly obvious he doesn't like being left by himself.

He travels a lot with work. Gym, evening classes etc are impossible to manage because I need to be at home with dd - no family nearby and I can't afford a regular babysitter.

I can't ignore his sulks any more. I just can't. I've tried so many times to do the toddler thing - reward good behaviour, ignore bad - but it doesn't stop the bad behaviour. It just doesn't work.

God, if he knew I was discussing this with anyone he'd be mortified and furious.

If I invite someone here he can be downright rude. He makes no effort to join in and sits in the corner making it plainly obvious that he is hating every minute. People have stopped visiting because he makes them feel so uncomfortable.

COunselling could be the only way forward I think - we need to learn to talk to one another.

Your last post makes it sound as if your DH has some serious "issues" that he needs psychological support to overcome. He doesn't seem to have any imagination and is using his family as a prop to prevent himself from falling into a really deep depression, rather than as company for going out and getting the most out of life.

I think that looking for a counsellor on your own, and perhaps having a few sessions on your own first before mentioning it to your DH, might be a good idea. The counsellor will get a good grasp of things from you and will give you advice on how to tackle your DH, and how to help him.

I couldn't agree more with your last post BOnsoirAnna

I've put it to him many times that I think he is depressed and needs help - he agrees but then does nothing. I've also told him that I can't deal with being his only life outside work, that I need female company as well.

We met when we both moved to this area 10 years ago with work. Neither of us knew anyone else. The difference between us is that he has made no effort to get to know anyone outside work (other than me) whereas I've tried to develop other friendships.

He no longer keeps in contact with his friends from his home town. His best friend (who still lives in dh's home town) was best man at our wedding and even he has given up trying to keep in touch. Whenever we go to stay with the IL's I suggest meeting up with his BF but he never bothers, never tells him when we're goig to be around.

Not the actions of someone who is happy with their life really

I'm suffering from compassion fatigue with him though. I've suggested that he take up badminton (he used to play before he moved here). I've suggested that he go on nights out with colleagues. I try to keep our meals healthy but he eats crap when I'm not directly responsible for what he puts in his mouth. He is overweight, depressed, clearly unhappy but he doesn't take any responsibility for himslef and makes me feel as though it's my fault, that I am being a cow and it should be me that needs treatmetn for depression (as I have been on and off all my adult life)

I veer between feeling desperatelyh sorry for him and thinking what an utter twat he is being.

This is, as you are all too aware, an unsustainable situation for you and a terrible role model of family life for your children.

It is good to have reached "compassion fatigue". Endless compassion is not necessarily a good thing, for either party.

Does your DH have objective reasons for being discontent with his life? Is his standard of living equivalent or better than that of his parents/siblings/childhood and university friends, for example?

Funny you should mention university - he has a massive chip on his shoulder about that. He left school at 16 with poorish exam results. He got a job at a local firm via YTS and over the next 15 years rose to management level. He is intelligent and hard working - but was rubbish at passign exams as a teenager. He has a big problem with graduates in general and has said many times that they have no idea of real life etc etc - I'm a graduate though . He says that he has nothing in common with my friends and siblings, to start with he assumed that they are all graduates (they aren't) and he doesn't like the "type". As you can imagine that makes me feel crap - he's essentially saying he doesn't like me . For some reason I am exempt because he knwos I had to work to put myself through university (paid work I mean as opposed to academic work). Most people I knwo did the same though.

He had problems in his career after he moved to this area and ended up leaving his (management) job and having to work in a factory for a while. I understand that this completely undermined his confidence, but now he has worked his way back up to a management position with company car and so forth. His salary isn't brilliant but we have more spare cash now than we have ever had. I wanted to make plans to move to a bigger house in a nicer area but I've recently been given notice that my job is under threat of redundancy . His job is as safe as anyone's can be atm I would say. I work P/T and bring in maybe 30% of the household income. We will manage financially if I do lose my job but holidays, saving etc will be out the window. We are in a far better position than many, despite the very real threat that I could lose my job.

Our standard of livig is very similar to his parents and mine. He has no siblings. His parents are very much part of the problem - their life is very quiet, no friends, little contact with family, no hobbies outside of FIL pottering around in his garden. DH seems to think that we should be aspring to a similar life. They have both recently retired. I have told him many times that I don't want the same life as them, I am not in my 60's ffs.

BonsoirAnna, thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me and for asking questions that are making me think of the root cause of the problem rather than it's symptoms. I really don't know what I'd do without MN and people like you who take the trouble to help complete strangers.

It sounds to me as if he has both a psychological "issue" with his lack of formal qualifications, and also a real, concrete lack of knowledge and analytical skills that make him fearful of the wider world beyond his job and family - as if he felt that he would be unable to cope with, let alone enjoy, new social and intellectual challenges.

Do you think that a course of study would help? How about a management course - an executive seminar? I say this because I work in the field of executive education, and there is real demand for that type of training from people who "missed the boat" earlier in their lives. It gives them a huge boost, both in terms of concrete knowledge and self-esteem, to do a course.

My dh is a homebody. We moved here 8 years ago from Scotland and does not socialise with anyone, except maybe for going to lunch at Christmas with his work colleagues. But I guess that's where the differences between your dh and mine end.

I have a good circle of friends and go out regularly with them. When we have babysitters we do go out just the two of us. Dh is happy to go to the gym in the evening by himself or to the cinema. I have just finished an evening course and will be starting a new one soon.

BonsoirAnna - he has done management training, he has an advanced certificate from a recognised body (I forget which one). He went to college on day release from work and gained an HNC. He has recently passed a very sticky couse and gained another professional qualification. His employer have spent thousands on trainig him and he has passed everything. He left school with no formal qualifications but has them by the bucketload now. I appreciate teh suggestion though - he obviously still has confidence issues despite his recent professional success. Oh, he was promoted just over a year ago too so his employer obviously think well of him.

Fimbo, it sounds like you have a good balance. DH did go out on his work Christmas do, it's the only time he does anything by himself. I've told him he should do it more often. If he would go to the gym and not be awkward if I did the same, I'd feel much happier. I realise that not everyone has to be socialbe to be happy but my gripe is that he is clearly unhappy but does nothing to change things, and he resents the fact that I don't want to spend every evening for the rest of my life sitting in front of the TV.

That's great that he has done courses and has real, concrete achievements to his belt. Do you think he has really taken on board those achievements? Or is he sort of still stuck in a previous, younger version of himself where he felt inadequate? If so, counselling/psychological support would really help him - if you can get him there .

153, I wonder if being an only child of not very sociable parents means that he's never really learned how to socialise properly?
As far as things like the long walks and cycling goes,I think, for your children's sakes you need to start saying "We are going for a walk, are you coming?" and if he says "no" you all go without him. Otherwise they may well inherit your husband's aversion to exercise.

What was he like when you first met him 153, before you got married?

Has he always been like this and gradually got worse or has it just happened recently?

FairyLights - I intend to do just that. The alternative isn't worth considering

Misseyhissey - it has got worse as time has gone on. He turned 40 last year and that has made him still worse.

Hmm. It IS hard to break out of childhood habits.

My DH on the surface was a very sociable and exciting person - lived in Africa for 2 years, set up a charity etc.

But now he (40 too) has also almost reverted to type (his parents' type that is).

Whereas my family like to travel and DO things, his family never go away or out and prefer pottering around the house and doing charity work.

It's hard when you come from 2 different mindsets - but surely other people overcome worse (total cultural differences etc?).

But your DH sounds like he has more "ishoos" than just wanting a quiet life