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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should i be worried/suspicious?

15 replies

RegularNameChange · 04/01/2009 20:54

I'm a regular but changed my name for this as it's upsetting.

DP and I met, and 4 months later he proposed and we were so in love. I said yes, and a month later we got pregnant. We seem to be the perfect couple/family.

But recently I found out that he had been messaging other women via an internet thing even a few months after we met. Now I know it was even after we got engaged. His mum slipped up and grassed him up as he was using her internet.

Anyway, I wasn't sure how to feel about this. We have a 9 mo. We're soon to be married and we love each other very much.

I asked when was the last time he'd used his internet page and he said so long ago he couldn't remember. When I checked, it was last month. I told him, and he said that he was trying to delete it .

I asked when he had stopped messaging these women and he said he couldn't remember. He was very vague with a nervous smile, and kept kissing me. Then he got all defensive and said that it's all me and I'm doing his head in with my insecurities etc etc.

I just feel weird about it. I thought we never had any secrets but more and more of his secrets keep coming out of the woodwork.

Yet he's so vague about everything and I feel a distance sometimes. He's very loving and you'd never think it of him. Now I feel really inadequate and ugly. The women he was chatting to were beautiful.

What's going on?

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 04/01/2009 21:00

Can you talk to his mum about this? Would she be honest with you if you threw herself on her mercy and asked her for the truth?

BEAUTlFUL · 04/01/2009 21:00

"threw herself on her mercy"??

honestfriend · 04/01/2009 21:01

Does he know these women? It seems like a weaker version of using a porn site - an addiction to boost his ego.

He obviously feels guitly and defensive. Have you explained how you feel to him? Have you asked him why he does it?

Do not allow him to make it YOUR problem. I am sure in many ways it is harmless, but you do need a frank talk about it and him agreeing not to do it if it upsets you- which it would 99.9999% of women!

I think I would put the wedding on hold until you felt really sure about him- youhave not known each other long, and maybe there is still a lot to learn about him...

RegularNameChange · 04/01/2009 21:03

Beautiful- his mum doesn't like me, and she wouldn't tell me anything. Plus, she wouldn't know, really. She knew what he was doing but that was the extent of it.

Honest- He doesn't know the women as far as I know. He likes porn as well, but he has very little interest in me sexually. Now I'm wondering if he has anything going on with women he knows.

OP posts:
sickofthisrain · 04/01/2009 21:07

Regular, I may be well out of line but I'd urge you not to marry him at the moment. I think you need to know exactly who you're dealing with - if you already have strong (and reasonable imo) suspicions about him and he has no sexual interest in you at this stage, that's a big red flag.
Please be careful.

AMumInScotland · 04/01/2009 21:08

Sorry but yes you should be suspicious - blaming your "insecurity", getting defensive, lots of kisses to distract you, being vague - he isn't going to voluntarily come clean about this. I think you will need to lay down the law on this - he is not to message other women, even if it's "just" online and he isn't going to "do" anything. And don't marry him until you feel confident that you know him well enough to make that committment.

TotalChaos · 04/01/2009 21:10

agree with the other posters - I think this is very concerning, particularly as he's not giving you any clear explanations of what he's done, when and why.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2009 21:10

he has no interest in you sexually, and you are planning to marry the guy?

nooooooooo

GypsyMoth · 04/01/2009 21:14

run for the hills!!!!!!

CatMandu · 04/01/2009 21:14

Please stop and look at what you've said and ask yourself if a friend told you this would you advise her to marry the man.

Salleroo · 04/01/2009 21:32

He has no interest in you sexually and you plan to spend the rest of your life with him. He is an obvious liar. Are you for real? Open your eyes for God's sake woman, get out.

Salleroo · 04/01/2009 21:32

He has no interest in you sexually and you plan to spend the rest of your life with him. He is an obvious liar. Are you for real? Open your eyes for God's sake woman, get out.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 04/01/2009 21:33

so sorry feel really uncomfortable reading this
i would get out now
xx

honestfriend · 04/01/2009 21:42

we love each otehr very much- what exactly does "love" mean to him-and you? doing this behind your back? Not explaining it? Not finding you sexually attractive?

What on earth are you basing your love on?

This is not good.......

Sorry to say this, but having a child a few months after getting together, when you hardly know each other was not the greatest idea and it sounds as if you do not really know this man.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 04/01/2009 21:54

again feel so desperately sorry for you
BIG BIG HUGS xx

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