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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Relationships

No relationship with sons father. What do I tell me son who is asking about his dad.

42 replies

bouncy · 23/03/2003 10:43

I was with my partner for 2 years when I fell pregnant. It was an accident and partner doesn't he did not want to know.

He moved away and I have never seen him since. My family are well off and I have never needed for anything for my son. I did send pictures to his parents with change of address etc etc, but never heard anything.

Ds now 4 asking where his dad is, so far I have changed the subject, I know he will keep on, but how do I tell him his dad wants nothing to do with him or me.

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WideWebWitch · 11/04/2003 09:15

Bouncy, I don't see that the 2 options are mutually exclusive: couldn't you do both? Keep looking for ds's father (not via his b*tch of a mother, obviously) to see if he wants a relationship with his son but also move in with your dp, IF that's what you want to do. I think you should give it one last shot at getting in touch with him directly to ask him whether he wants contact with his son. I've just read through this thread briefly and I'm sorry your ex and his mother have been so awful, it must be horrible for you. Still, they are the ones missing out, as you say. I think you can only tell your ds something close to the truth - as someone said on another thread it doesn't seem fair to make excuses for your ex. OTOH I do think you should make it crystal clear that it wasn't and isn't your son's fault. Good luck with this.

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outofpractice · 11/04/2003 10:00

I think you are underestimating your ds and being to generous to your ratty ex, and I have a different concern, which is about increasing and protecting the self esteem of your ds. I am in a similar situation with ex as bouncy, but I have told ds the story (with photos) of how Mummy met his father and he told Mummy all kinds of promises, which turned out not to be true, and Mummy used to feel very sad and disappointed, and cannot understand why his father is such a silly billy (never stronger than this) that he does not want to see such a wonderful ds. I also say that I think it is wrong not to see a ds, and that when ds grows up, he will be a nice man, and I know that he will look after all his children, which he says he will. We then discuss that some people have nice mummies and daddies and some people's mummies or daddies are not as nice, but that is the way the world is. I also mention other friends that are in step families or single parent families. However, I then say that ds has so many other family and friends that love and appreciate him, that if his silly father does not want to know, then Mummy and ds realize he is not a kind person and we do not miss him. I tell ds that it is his silly father that is the loser, and remind him of all the nice things in our life, and that I am very happy with our life. He spontaneously says that he is happy too. Some people don't agree, but I think it is more important to make your ds feel happy and fulfilled with what he has got, and stop him pining for something which he cannot attain, given that your ex and his family sound so selfish and stupid that I would be very surprised if they ever show any love for your ds. We have this conversation whenever ds raises the topic. If you are going to remarry, you can find a few nice picture books about it, unfortunately only US so you will have to order by amazon.

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NQWWW · 14/04/2003 13:39

Great to hear that things are going so well with your boyfriend (now dp?) - he sounds great and very supportive. If I were you I think I would leave trying to contact your ex for a while and see how things go between your dp and your ds once your relationship moves up a gear. You might find your ds stops worrying so much about it once he's got a "new dad". Then again, you might not, but why not wait and see? This would also give your ex more time to grow up (potentially).

Good luck whatever you decide.

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bouncy · 19/04/2003 10:43

Decided I will move in with my boyfriend, who has hinted that he would like to get married and adopt my little boy. It is all going very fast for me, I have told him to calm down a bit, but he is so enthusiastic about us. We have a few issues (start another thread on that one though)
I have also decided that if anything comes back and I find out where ex-partner lives then I will contact him.

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bouncy · 09/05/2003 11:40

Well tracked down ex eventually, and what his mum was saying was the truth, he wants nothing to do with my son , my b/f was quite happy about that and started talking about adoption and that. Way too fast for me at the moment, just enjoying things as they are.

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whellid · 09/05/2003 12:22

Bouncy, glad that you tracked him down but sorry he is being such a $%%%^$. Your b/f sounds very supportive, so I hope things work out with him - at your pace.

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scoobysnax · 09/05/2003 12:38

Bouncy, I really feel for you and your son over the behaviour of your ex.
I agree that it is important to try to keep your son's self esteem high, and think that it is best for this reason not to say anything negative about his father to him, however difficult it might be.

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outofpractice · 09/05/2003 12:47

bouncy, Sorry that your ex has disappointed you again. If it is any consolation, this type of behaviour is very common. In England, 2 years after divorce or splitting up, about 45% of fathers totally lose contact with their children. I don't know why some men think it is OK, and why some friends condone it and say that it is the father's free choice. When we were on holiday in the Caribbean we met lots of stepfamilies, who were all really open about the fact that not all of the kids in the family having the same parents or living together, and the fathers were proud of the fact that they still saw their kids from former relationships and took them on holiday. Your boyfriend sounds like a nice person, so I hope that he will understand if you explain to him why you don't want to rush into adoption.

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outofpractice · 09/05/2003 12:49

I forgot to say that the families that seemed to be more open and sorted out about separation and contact were all Americans and Caribbean nationals. Anyway, just another stereotype but a nice one I have about Americans.

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bouncy · 16/05/2003 09:03

DP is very loving and we are going to get married in about 18 months time, however with recent events coming to light, he wants DS to start calling him dad, I am alittle confused, on one hand I think it would be great and on the other, he is not his dad even though he wants nothing to do with him. This probably stems fromt he fact after my dad left I had about 4 new dad's. What do you think?.

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outofpractice · 16/05/2003 09:53

bouncy, can't you tell your dp that after the wedding you will be calling him your husband, and ds will be calling him dad, but till that special day, he can call him by his name?

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aloha · 16/05/2003 09:55

Bouncy, what does your son call him now? I think you are exactly right and I too would be extremely wary of 'insisting' your son calls your partner 'daddy'. If your ds feels as if your partner is like a father to him I suspect he will start to call him that naturally anyway. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but IMO while it's great your partner wants to be a father to your son, it's not really fair to a little child to be pushed into something to make an adult feel better/more secure. You have to remember who is the child and who is the adult here. My sd calls me by my first name, and her stepdad by his first name but it doesn't stop her being loving. I really think your ds will eventually call your partner daddy if he is permanently around and behaves like a loving father to him, but I think you should let this happen in its own time. You have 18 months before your marriage and that's a hell of a long time in toddler world.

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bouncy · 16/05/2003 12:12

Thats the thing, Ds has never known to call anyone Daddy and has started calling him that, DP doesn't mind, actually he loves the idea. I do not know wether to correct my ds or let it carry on.

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doormat · 16/05/2003 12:27

bouncy if your ds has already started calling your dp daddy I would let him carry on.

My ds 1 was nearly 2 when his bio-dad walked out on him. When I got with dp he called him dad of his own accord. Dp is the only father ds1 has ever known.

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aloha · 16/05/2003 12:35

Then I totally withdraw what I said before. Don't correct him. Actually I think he's right, the person who loves him, cares for him and wants to be his daddy is his daddy. I'm glad he has one after his bio-dad turned out to be such a waste of space. And good on you for finding such a good man to marry!

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NQWWW · 19/05/2003 13:18

Totally agree with aloha's last comment. If your ds thinks of your dp as his daddy, and your dp is happy with that, that sounds like the best possible conclusion to this story.

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maryz · 19/05/2003 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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