advice needed please!

[tirednlonely]

I have been married for 14 years, and am very unhappy. My husband has a drink problem but refuses to admit it. I have always felt that he exists whilst me and 2 dc run round him. Sex is a problem. He says I should feel attracted to him and want sex at least three times a week! We have had relate councelling twice in last 4 years as a couple and he has had a few sessions through the doctors as he is on anti depressants. I feel we have drifted apart, I was only 18 when we met and he is 12 years older. I have suggested he moves out or we lead separate lives, so we can both move on, neither of which he is prepared to do. The children are another big issue. His method of discipline is totally opposite to mine! I feel trapped in a loveless marriage. Can anyone give me any advice, please? {sad}

hi, not sure if I can offer any advice, but just wanted to say I hope you get the support you need and wish you well.

Hi

I can't really help but have you thought about getting in touch with Womens Aid www.womensaid.org.uk

When you say his method of disciline is opposite to yours, is he even violent towards the children?

aw god bless you. You sound so unhappy. I am really sorry I have no advice as have only been married for 4 years.

I do however know whats its like to have a family member with alcohal issue and understand how hard it is.
well done you, takes allot of guts to share probs wit councellers etc too!

hope things get sorted! x

sorry to hear that hun. you sound very similar to me in my last marriage - tho i didnt have kids back then. he was a drinker and 13 years my senior - i was 17 when i married him. he was jealous to the point of being obsessional and i was treated like a doormat for most of that marriage. i think you can guess what advice im going to give you, because its never going to improve ( and deep down you're probably aware of it too).

i thought you could stop someone drinking - but you cant, they have to WANT to stop, and they rarely do. my ex dh was also a bully when drunk, and liked to make me feel worthless - and often sucseeded.

we were together for nearly 14 years before i finally stopped kidding myself that i was ever going to be happy - sometimes its easier to bury your head in the sand and pretend its not happening, but you've got kids hun. if they're girls, they're going to grow up with the idea that thats how women are supposed to be treated, and boys will also think its ok to treat their wife/girlfriend like that too.

i left him aug 98, divorced sept 99 and married my soulmate aug 02 and we have 2 wonderful children.

you and the kids have a right to happiness hun, dont take anymore rubbish from him - move on xx

I'm sorry, i just realised how blunt my last question sounded. I'm a social worker and was just trying to think of services that could help you

D x

Thanks, Yes he does smack them as thinks that is discipline, even our 2yr old. I have said I am totally against this but he doesn't listen. I have said he is not a good role model but he just says I criticise everything he does and that he can't do anything right.

I feel we have the same conversations / arguments everyday. He would fight me for custody if I left.

So he would fight you for custody would he?. He is a drunkard; this threat is being used to keep you there and "in your place".

Also re your children, growing up in a household where one parent has a drink problem will likely give them emotional problems of their own.

You can make a better life for yourselves without him being in it. But you need to take that first, often hardest step. You have a choice ultimately, your children have no say. What are they learning from you both about relationships?. Damaging lessons are being imparted here; you cannot leave them such a legacy.