DH seems to crash and burn a lot....is it really THAT hard being at home with us???

[WantAWhinge]

Im a fairly regular poster, name changed since I think DH has noted my usual nickname and I dont particularly want him to know I have been moaning! I would love a few objective opinions here tho.

DH has been off work since christmas eve and by sunday after christmas began to feel unwell. No obvious symptoms but did look tired. (Tho went to the pub Monday eve with mates...perked up temporarily.) Tuesday he decided he was ill and spent whole day in bed. Weds am he was still droopy so I took kids out all morning, they napped for an hour and a half pm so he didnt have much contact with them that day. Thursday morning was COLD here and we were a bit stuck for things to do and stayed in. At about half 10 (morning) he announced he needed some space and went for a drive in the car on his own. Seemed a bit jollier when he came back. Friday I needed to do something on the internet so asked him to 'mind' the younger DC (other was watching TV) and I could see that after half an hour he was struggling. Normally, if we are both around he just seems to manage to sort of absent himself slightly so the DCs come to me...ie 'forgets' to dress them, would never prepare a meal, is slow to respond to them eg nappy changes, picks up a paper or flicks thro channels etc etc so isnt quite mentally present. (Am I being petty?)

The whinge is, this is common when he has time off work. He just doesnt seem to cope with spending time with the DCs and gets ill. Im not saying he puts it on, tho it can seem strangely transient if he has a social pending, I do on the whole genuinely believe he feels rubbish. But ye gods, compared to me, he spends next to no time with the children and yet hes the one who needs the support it would seem. It just seems to floor him.

Which actually is my gripe...I do feel the lack of support since Im too scared to ask DH to help out more because he seems to crash and burn so easily. I have had no time away from the DCs at all over the last 3 weeks even tho he has been home loads(apart from now actually - gone to his mums with them for a hour or so!)and feel too guilty to ask for any. He just doesnt think to take them out normally.

So, does that sound like everyone elses DH? Or is he being a bit of a wuss? Or am I being unsupportive myself in fact? I have no idea any more, and maybe I just need to reset my expectations. TIA to anyone who reads and comments! They may be back soon so I may not be able to hang around, but will come back later!

I don't think you're being petty. I'm a sahm to 3 dc and I do find dh gets really tired when he is home. If he is home, he has to take a nap in the afternoon. He's a great dad, very hands on, but it seems like I have much more stamina. If he is looking after the kids (which he does regularly) he can only do that. It would never occur to him to put on a wash or get them dressed. Sometimes he will clean up the kitchen a bit for me and he will get their lunch at weekends. Not the worst by any means but as far as stamina goes, I seem to 'do' more.

Well, my DH is a bit the same- although his problem seems to be that he becomes like a cgaed animal when he is "trapped" in the house- he actually paces up and down at the patio windows! He is, however, far better if he takes the kids out somewhere- to the park, for a walk, out on their bikes...maybe your DH is similar, and it is the "being in the house all day" thing that makes him weary?

I have one dd who is 14months and my dh is great with her, but sometimes when he's at home, i carry on as i normally would when he's not here because he needs time to himself. And i also find that he's not as receptive to her needs as i am, not putting on socks for example or getting himself breakfast and not her (getting better on that one) I think its just that as he's not with her all day, he has to make more of an effort, where as i do it without thinking. So, i dont think your dh is being a wuss as such, perhaps just needs a small kick up the bum occasionally! A friend of mine actually went on strike for a day, but within an hour, her dh came crawling back, said he actually had no idea how difficult being a mum was! Don't forget that he finishes his job in an evening, where as yours is 24/7. Maybe suggest he takes the kids on sunday mornings while you have some time to yourself

I am rubbish at staying indoors with the kids - I start climbing the walls and feel "trapped" - I need a blast in the park every day so I do understand your DH in that respect.

DH is like jjj says, he has to get out of the house at some point in the day. He'll take DD1 with him or DD2 but struggles to cope with them both.

He doesn't leave them in if he has both, but by the time I get home he's stir-crazy.

whinge away my dear - this is by no means the norm in this house....I could just be very lucky (and he hasn't always been like this) but my DH has been off since the 18th and I really haven't lifted a finger. I am 33 weeks pregs, so he is being extra helpful, but even before that he was Mr Helpful.

He has done all the morning get ups bar a few when he had a few too many shandy's over xmas and obviously I'm not drinking so have not had the pleasure of a hangover for a good while!

He did Christmas dinner at his dads for 9 people and did boxing day catering too.......this is all while also fielding the kids and providing entertainment.

Having said all this, I am not gloating as my DH used to be all you describe above, so this is more "you don't have to put up with this" kinda post - some men can change if they are told how they are behaving is unacceptable. Both Dh and I work full time, so the childcare and house work HAS to be 50/50, neither of us gets more 'time off' than the other....for 2 years after our DT's were born DH simply did not understand that I was pinning down a job AND keeping the house clean, the clothes washed and the kids entertained, cleaned and fed at weekends - he just thought thats how things were meant to be. Our situation was made a bit more extreme in that I had PND also - but after a course of AD's and some councelling I found the strength to confront DH to explain his part in my condition and in our crumbling relationship - after a short sharp shock, he is now the man I can't live without, hence DC3 on the way - 2 years ago I would rather have eaten my own spleen than had more kids with him as I simply couldn't have gone through it all alone again.

If your DH doesn't know how you feel he won't think to guess - he won't OFFER to help if you look like you are coping. He see's home life ticking along nicely thank you very much, he's not going to put himself out if he doesn't need to. Sit him down and talk (slowly and loudly if necessary ), don't get emotional, just state matter of fact you need more hands on help from him and you need some YOU time occasionally just to keep you sane.

Good luck!

My dh is great at home ..much better than I am.Always looking for something to do ,great at entertaining ds.
Today we have all had a massive clean up.
He will make dinner and do housework,although he has to ask what housework needs doing.
Your dh would drive me nuts.

I think you have got it completely wrong in thinking it is doing things with the kids that makes him crash and burn.

It is very common for anyone in a stressful environment to get ill as soon as the mental pressure is off - so a holiday from work is obviously likely to be when your dp gets ill. He genuinely needs some down-time.

I think spending time with the kids is a separate issue. Sounds as though he needs some practice at this. Lots of Dads don't think to take the kids out...I would just let him know he is taking them bowling/ to the cinema/ to the theatre and book it up. I don't think spending time with the kids will make your dh crash at all and in fact it may well help to unwind him from work - I think he needs a push from you to do more with the kids, and also that if he feels ill he genuinely needs your sympathy and to have some time in bed, and that this is about work and not about you and the kids.

Hmmm, I have noticed my Dh being a bit nonspecifically unwell lately now that DS2 is at a pretty demanding age.

The funny thing is that he was the same when DD was that age too. But at the time I put it down to him having to start taking medication for a condition that didn't make him feel ill to start with - I thought getting used to it made him feel rough.

Today I do think he is actually a bit unwell. But I do wonder if he feels worse because, let's face it, small kids can be pretty draining. Rather like if you get really bored (I think) it makes you feel physically below par.

There was another thread recently where the OP said her husband always seemed to be ill when at home. That got me thinking, then you posted this.

I don't know the answer. He has just apologised for not being much good (he is normally fab at the weekends) because I had just had a rantette about all the cooking I have been doing - am on a diet so not a happy bunny at doing all cooking and no eating. But also I need to remember that I cried my eyes out on New Years Day (PMT) and he was lovely - I have to take the rough with the smooth.

My Dh is a bit like Ispy's, has to have a nap weekend afternnons (even if he didn't get up until 9am) it drives me bananas!! I'm sure he doesn't have a nap at work in the afternoons.

My DH wouldn't think to change a nappy, feed or dress a child if I didn't remind/ask him.

We did however have a little arguement discussion about how the lack of practical support is affecting my health - I have had a really nasty chest infection followed by some post viral thing and have not been well since before Half Term in October. He was away in Oz and USA for most of that time though, so I didn't expect him to rush home!

He has no reason to think he has to change what he does if you don't tell him. When you have kids you just cannot be ill or at least you have to try your best to carry on. He is an equal parent and should be doing as much as you. Why doesn't he want to spend more time with them?

If you want a break, tell him.

My Dh took the boys out on his own today and does loads. As he should and as he wants.

"clean up the kitchen a bit for me"

No no no no not for you, for the family.

Mine makes me feel inadequate at times. I go off alone for the day. He looks after them all, cooks them a proper meal, does the washing and ironing, plays with them and tides up.

Men will do nothing very little if they can get away with it.

agree NAB
honestly, can't imagine someone who gets his own breakfast and not his childs and dont nappy change without being asked???

why are you all pandering to this behaviour? I would not tolerate it for one second, or excuse it as a 'man' thing.

Thanks for all the comments everyone, sounds like its not so uncommon in many ways!

I guess the problem is, we do talk about it and he freely admits he would rather be at work, much less stressful apparently. (His job is no less or more stressful than before children, he honestly didnt crash in holidays like this before we had them.) Which isn't to say that he doesnt love the kids but he freely admits he doesnt envy me one bit being at home full time with them. The problem does seem to be lack of any kind of stamina with them. Which is why I do let some of it go...I cant see the point on laying on the guilt when he is already really struggling. But then there is a bit of me that gets resentful cutting him slack so much.

As for pandering...I feel I nag as it happens! If anything I do worry about going on about 'can you do this, not do that, remember to x, not z' a bit too much. I feel he needs to take responsibility rather then me breathe down his neck. Yet he does still often seem to be unable to step up to the job. I do oftentimes feel I have a 3rd child in the house, cliche tho it is.

My Dh used to say he had 'put the rubbish out for you' I very sweetly say, "For me? You are so kind because it was all just my rubbish." Ditto 'clean kitchen up' etc

He has got the hang of that eventually.

Well I suggest that you just leave him in sole charge a lot by going out. He might not be as good with them as you are, but they will all survive and become closer as a result and you can have more time for yourself.

The 'leave him to it and go out lots' suggestion is kind of exciting and scary all at once!

But realistically, if I pay for it with an ill DH all the next day/week etc it sort of pales a bit.

Gahh! Got me over a barrel really, hasnt he?

It's what happens when you take time off work. It usually happens to me - as soon as my leave starts I get sick. Bugs lie in wait for me to drop my guard. It's a bugger

wantawinge, if you want this to change, you HAVE to start leaving him with them. and as he starts to develop coping mechanisms i bet he won't pull a sickie quite so often. if you don't do this, nothing is going to change.

whinge - he KNOWS that you won't leave him with them because he then suffers the next day - classic avoidance technique. I was exactly the same, the pain/inconvenience experienced after my DH had been left alone even only for a few hours was just not worth the hassle, so I avoided doing it, would turn friends down for afternoons out, would just get on with it - but motherhood is not about being the martyr, we are entitled to be ourselves and put ourselves first every once in a while if not more often!

Way back at the crest of me and DH struggling I was offered the chance to go away on a conference in Barcelona for a week....my initial reaction was oooeeck, best not he will never cope, but then got to thinking, why the feck not - it's work, so I not going away on a jolly, the boys are nearly 2, whats the big deal - I cope all the time alone with the kids, why can't he.....so fuelled by my new AD induced confidence I said yes to my boss and flitted off to Barcelona for 4 lovely work filled, but kiddie free days.......DH not only coped, he moved em from cots to beds and got them off their morning bottle. He's an absolute natural, he just needed time without me guiding him/hand holding him to prove it to himself.....of course I was met with the "I did X, Y, Z, don't know what all the fuss is about, looking after kids is easy...." but it was soo worth it, for me to feel 100% confident about just upping and leaving whenever necessary and not coming home to mayhem afterwards.

This year though, I went to Portugal for a few days with my friends, and when I got home he did whimper a bit about "NEVER doing that again", but all in all he was fine and we won't be having seperate holidays for a while since no. 3 is due in 7 weeks.

Thanks for all the comments, lots to think about. I do know that he has to be made to step up more. I wish I knew how best to get that to happen. Ultimatums really don't work in this household, gentle reminders go unheeded and shittiness simply gets shittiness back. I've actually realised during this thread how quietly unreasonable he can be, and there was me trying to protect him from getting over tired etc.

However, in a sympathetic moment I do realise and understand that he finds extended time in their (and possibly my!) company hard. I do too. And from a selfish point of view, if he is overwhelmed by it all then he is no use to us quite frankly. So, I have decided to suggest he goes out more, has weekends away etc, anything that gives him enough space to be able to be mentally present when he is actually here. It will mean more work for me in the short term if he is away etc but hopefully will help in the long term. Especially since then I can justify going away myself of course

Fingers crossed...

re lack of stamina: I just went for my first run in months. I didn't have much stamina for it. I know from past experience that if I do it regularly, my stamina will increase. Likewise your dh.

I do know it's difficult to deal with though - my db is exactly like this, and I really feel for my lovely sil.