My family again! Kind of lost it over Christmas & am in shame.

[Pinkchampagne]

I spent Christmas Eve & Christmas day with my family, which included my ex who I separated from 2 and a half years back. The family have a close relationship with him still (to an unhealthy extent as some of you will know!), and my new DP (who I have been with nearly 17 months) has only met the family a couple of times. I went along with it though to try to keep the peace & make it ok for the boys.

Got round my parents & BIL had already opened & was wearing the present I bought him. He didn't know what to wear so my sister allowed him to open it. No big deal I guess, so didn't fuss over this one.
My BIL then spent most of the day making digs at me, the most memorable one was "being married to you has probably been enough to turn ex h gay!" in front of exh.
He later started trying to make digs about my new DP (who just a day earlier bought him & my sister a nice bottle of champagne to celebrate the news that they were expecting their first child, after just meeting them twice), and I was getting quite wound up, but put on a calm front.

A little later I tried to get DS1 to blow his nose & he was very rude to me. Ex h heard this & came in the room & had words with him. DS later went crying down to mum, who started having a go at me, saying it was Christmas & wagging her finger because DS was upset, she was also cuddling him. I tried to explain what had happened, but it fell on deaf ears & my dad joined in with her so I had them both getting at me. At this point I kind of lost it & ranted at them lots. I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was one thing too much & I got a cab home, where I spent the next 3 hours crying. The whole day just seemed awful & I was fed up of nobody respecting me.

I haven't apologised because other than losing it when I should have maybe kept a little calmer, I did (IMO) nothing wrong. So when mum eventually came round this morning I explained why I was so upset, but I did apologise for getting cross like I did.

Mum told me that BIL thought I was out of order because I mentioned my DP in front of exh all day. (I may have mentioned his name once at the most)
I told her that I don't tiptoe around exh & he is not some vulnerable creature that needs protecting from the reality that I have moved on with my life!
She then turned on the tears & said she didn't get appreciated enough & dad is taking her away next Christmas because of this! I told her that it was a good idea, which probably didn't go down well, but I really think it is the best thing. I would go away myself if it wasn't for the boys needing to be near their dad.

She left in a bit of a grumpy way & I expect I am in total shame with the whole family again.

I need outsiders views here. Have I been a bit out of order? I know it was Christmas & all that & that mum cooked for us, so maybe I have, but I really couldn't take anymore. I have apologised for my little outburst though. I personally don't think I have that much more to be sorry about, but maybe I am being a bit of a brat!

Sorry, that is a bit long!

I can't think of anyone less like a brat, PC!

I think you behaved admirably actually. And even if you did have a rant, you are a human being and do have a right to express how you feel. And you have apologised, so you have also behaved decently.

It's not you, it's them.

Aww, love! You are not being a brat. I am amazed you haven't actually set fire to your entire family by now. they are the ones who are being unkind and disrespectful by treating you like a naughty child who can be bullied or shamed into going back to your unpleasant XH.

No no no dont feel shamed,you did nothing wrong,i cant imagine why

1, your family want your xdh there when you have a partner

2, why he would want to go there anyway.

your mum is trying emotional blackmail,well done on you for saying its a good idea for her to go away next year.

hold your head high,you did NOTHING wrong.

I think you should start being a family unit with you and your dss (and NM when he is around). In hindsight you should have had Christmas morning at home with your dss and popped over to see your parents with the boys in the afternoon.

It is THEM not you.

This is what is so hard about christmas. People exchange presents, cook meals etc and you are under so much pressure to be grateful. But the underlying difficulties and attitudes are still there aren't they - and everyone is stressed, and you either battle to keep a lid on it or you lose it. Totally understandable. I have just spent the whole time trying not to snap at certain family members and alternately feeling guilty that I haven't been warmer towards them. I didn't lose it, but my simmering irritation showed anyway so now I have xmas shame too.

From your OP I think losing it was almost inevitable and you weren't out of order.

My ex stayed overnight with them Christmas Eve, Christmas day & then went round my sister's with my parents on Boxing day (I was with DP & his lovely family on Boxing day) & he stayed the night there!

My DP stayed overnight Christmas eve & drove me round to my parents at 11ish on Christmas day. My sister then asked if I had informed exh that DP was staying because he had seemed quiet that morning!!

Argggghhhh your family drive me bonkers crazy!!

Not only are they all just on a completely different planet but they manage to convince you that you're the badly behaved one!

If you ask me, your reaction was mild.
I think I would have taken the boys home and thrown something heavy at your parent's head.

Please, please don't doubt yourself x

I think you showed far more self-restraint than I could have done under the circumstances. You're definitely not being a brat.

You were completely justified and perhaps a few more outbursts from you will help them to see how unreasonable and outrageous their behaviour is.

they are nuts - which you probably know.

you've done nowt wrong as usual and it's probably best your parents do go away next year.

next year you can plan what you want to do for your xmas with your lovely dp and the boys, maybe let their dad pop over for an hour or so but it'll be your xmas so you can decide whatever you want to do.

have followed your story and thought that your family were coming round a little, but obviously not. a bit of distance may help unfortunately.

i think your xdh,s behaviour is strange also,why oh why would he want to spend that long in his ex wifes families company?

especially when you have moved on,is he somehow hoping that if he stays around he will win you back?

Mum actually accused me of stirring between exh & DS when I had done nothing, NOTHING! She didn't have a clue what went on but it was easier to point the finger at me rather than golden boy! Anyway that isn't the point - he is our child & can be disciplined when we see fit! That was just the icing on the cake though - the whole day was just awful. It was Christmas though & I shouldn't have made a scene on Christmas day!

I know, jenk, it is very odd. I wish he would find a girlfriend or something! It gets to poor DP at times.

I had already made a promise to myself that this was the last year this was happening. I can't remember the last decent Christmas - every year I end up upset & now I need to stop worrying about what the family think & do what is right for me, the boys & DP.

Thank you to you all for your posts - they have helped a lot. I kind of felt I had nothing more to feel bad about, but mum is great at turning things round, and dad always jumps straight to her defense. I am sure I will be in shame for a good while yet, but I don't feel I have anything else to apologise about.