Despite my new years resolution of not letting my mother push my buttons......

[LucyEllensmummy]

She is playing me again!!!

Its quite complicated, but my mother is a "difficult" person and always has been. Its just that in the past, it has been my poor long suffering father who has copped for it. He died three years ago. The whole transition from her being the parent to the child did sort of take place but of course she wouldnt have it that way - she is impossible to help and the only way to integrate her is to ask for "help". She is possibly the most generous person i know and would give me her last penny. My eldest DD sort of lives with her, very long and complicated story (DD is nearly 19) although spends most of her time at her BF.

Anyway, i could write loads about my DD but thats not the issue - my mother now has a B in her bonnet about DD. She gave her some money for xmas and wanted DD to spend some of it on a pair of boots that she wanted, DD doesn't want to. I told my mother before xmas if she wanted to buy DD the boots then to buy them as i know DD would want the money for her holiday. So now as in true 18yo fashion, DD has gone out and pretty much wasted her xmas money (from me too) on Ds games (her DP bought her one for xmas) and shite. I was miffed but if i wanted to dictate what she brought with the money i would have bought vouchers. Anyway, my mother has gone off on one about it. But said NOTHING to DD. No, she has been on the phone to me constantly about it - three times in one morning, saying the same shit over and over. I have phoned DD in the meantime - and asked her how nanny is - fine, no problems, ive told her what she said, she has said nothing to her . Anyway, most of this is irrelevant, it is just an example of how my mother can be - perfectly reasonable? Well maybe, but I have said to my mum, if you feel DD is taking the piss, then send her back home (i would actually really like her back!!!!) but of course no - she doesnt want that, and i do understand tbh.

So now, with fresh Bee in bonnet my mother "looks for trouble". Going through her phone bill to look for mobile numbers etc - found several that i am sure DD has rung (although when i dont know as my mother takes the phone out with her when she goes out and DD is mostly at her DPs). So all the day before NYE i rang and rang, no answer - i got worried so went round there, mother answered door in foul mood - "I;ve had the phone disconnected i don't want a phone anymore anyway". So i say, what if you get sick? "i dont care!". Starts going on and on - DP is outside with DD2 who has fallen asleep in car, its freezing so i have to cut her short and go home. So, i checked to see if the phone cut off, No its not, no problem with the line (no, i bet she has smashed up her phone in temper - this is a classic thing for my mother to do, she smashed a perfectly lovely walnut dressing table because my poor old dad left a tea cup on it and it marked it) She has done this soooo many times. So, OK i think im not getting drawn into your fucking games again.

Every NYE DP and i don't go out (we are hermits ) but we like to phone our parents, or they phone us, whoever gets there first - so i rang and rang and rang - no answer. That really upset me. DD1 was out at a party and problably shit faced, had left her phone at home anyway so i didnt ring her either.

So, yesterday i thought id pop round, she was out with the dog, so we went to tesco and i got shopping i thought she might need. Took it round there, house in darkness, no answer, but dog in and not lockedin kitchen so i knew she was in, So shouting through the letter box etc. Eventually she lets me in, saying she was asleep - she clearly hadn't just woken up. Again in foul mood "What do you want" "Ive brought shopping, i didn't know what to get really". "Well why can't you just let me lie down" No thank you, nothing....I just put the shopping in the front room and left - she wouldnt even turn the light on!

So. Now i feel like shit. Upset that things are this way AGAIN (last time she wouldnt speak to me for weeks because i wouldnt help her to clump her sister for "stealing" things from her house - yes, its as mad as that, i wouldt mind but my mother is 75 and her sister 82!!!!!), Pissed off with myself because i'm being played again, she knows that i worry and feel i have to "chase after her" as my DP puts it. Worried about her and feeling sorry for her because i know she is lonely and probably feels like shit too. I don't have time to keep doing this, a simple phone call was enough to know she is ok. And just as always, whenever my mother does this, i just feel crap - flat and miserable and of course taking it out on DP.

I am in counselling and my counsellor says i shouldnt let my mother get to me so much and that she is playing games with me, so my new years resolution was not to rise to her bullshit , and fuck me, i didn't even get past NYE.

Would i be a complete CUNT if i did just that and not rise to it. Not run round after her and pander to her shit? But she IS my mother at the end of the day and has pretty much isolated herself from the rest of the family so sees no one.

She is your Mother yes but you would not take this crap from a friend would you?. You should not also take toxic behaviour like this from family members. She is playing games with you.

I feel for you as your Mother is toxic. The relationship between you and her is not healthy or emotionally functioning and perhaps never has been. Did your Dad "rein" her behaviours in when he was alive?.

I think you should take heed of your counsellor's words. Stop doing shopping for your Mother; its not appreciated and it only gives her further emotional ammo to aim at you. You cannot also help someone who does not want to be helped.

Your mother sounds deeply emotionally damaged as a person and thus cannot be helped (unless of course she wants help which they often do not). These people never say sorry nor take responsibility for their actions. It does not surprise me to read that she's always been difficult. Toxic people often are, they rarely if ever change.

If you haven't already I'd suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward, this is a good starting point. You may also want to look at the "well we took you to Stately homes" thread too on these pages.

It would make me sad to classify her as a "toxic parent" does that mean she was a bad mother? But you are right, she has never EVER said sorry EVER!

My Dad, the poor sod, just took it - i dont know why. Well i do - they split up, he came back for me, i know thats arrogant but i do feel that. I feel guilty for that.

I do feel sorry for her, i suffer from depression so i know how she is feeling really, but i dont have the emotional energy for this. It has caused such strife between me and DP in the past.

She is on medication, if she doest take it, she gets sick quickly, ends up in hospital, if i dont catch it in time she could die - she knows this, and will often refuse to take her medication, and no she is not "confused". Whenever she is hospitalised i go and clean her house (she has cats, they stink!)run myself ragged, have done with with full on flu before - just to get shouted at for taking her to the hospital in the first place - she is beyond rude to the nursing staff and discharges herself every time, its so embarrasing.

LEm the relationship you describe is very similar to the relationship my mum had with her mother (my nan). My mum would run herself ragged looking after my nan doing her shopping, housework, getting her medication for her etc. My mum got no thanks for it at all. She did everything for my nan so much so it took over her life really. My mum has 6 brothers and not one of them would help, on the odd occasion they did they were god's gift and my nan would sing their praises for weeks. My nan was really horrible to my mum and emotionally blackmailed her to the hilt.

My nan died in September 08. Of course we were all upset no one more so than my mum. But now my mum feels she has no purpose, she had let my nan dictate her life and take it over so much, that now she's gone my mum she doesn't no what to to do. She's severly depressed and I suspect suicidal. I am very worried about her.

My point in all that is, stick to your resolutions. Don't let your mum dictate to you or make you feel guilty in anyway. It's your life and yes whilst she's your mum and you want to help thats great but not at the sake of your own sanity. Back off from her a little bit. Yes she'll moan and lay it on thick but she'll cope.

Santa - there is just me, im an only child. Its not like i do that much for her really, although i do find myself returning from the town most days with bags of shopping tied to my pushchair. I do feel that i would just like to back off, but then she will have no one.

LEM

See if this helps a bit:-

The phrase toxic parent was coined to describe parents whose own negative behaviour grossly inflicts emotional damage which contaminates their children's sense of self.

This means parents who abuse their children verbally, physically and/or sexually, as well as parents who are inadequate or ignore their children's emotional needs. Sometimes these patterns are so established they continue into adulthood, and often are either not recognised or addressed.

There are some toxic parents whose consistently negative patterns of parenting leave a legacy of guilt and shame within their children, and worse still there are parents whose outright cruelty would be considered illegal if exhibited toward animals, let alone their own children.

Where do parents like this learn these despicable patterns of behaviour?

Yes, you are quite right! Usually from their own parents, who in turn, learned it from theirs. However, few people make the connection between their parent's parenting style and their own emotional problems. Often, these emotional difficulties only become apparent to them as they become parents themselves.

I would argue that your Mum is toxic because you actually realise to your credit that you are being played and are a part of her emotional game.

I would argue as well that your Mum has driven people away primarily because of her difficult behaviour towards others and now she only has you to fall back on. And this is partly because you let her in. However, contact with her is doing you no good at all.

I wouldnt describe my mother as abusive attila, not towards me anyway, definately towards my father though I think i had a pretty normal childhood apart from the period where my parents split, they got back together though.

I haven't tried to contact her today, my DD did go round earlier but she "had the hump" apparently.

I have felt flat today, but im not going to get drawn into it - yes, i feel very sorry for her, but Im just around the corner, she knows where i am. Alternatively she can plug her fucking phone back in and ring me.

LEM, I have not read all of this but had to say this....

My mother has driven me to the point where I could have killed her with my bare hands, but now she is very very poorly and on Monday will have an op that could kill her and if she makes it she will be minus a leg.

Yes your mum is a pain in the butt and 9 out of 10 days I would tell you to walk away but tonight I would say please hang in there as one day she wont be there to drive you nuts and you will miss it.

I have followed your posts for a long time so I know how hard it is but please find something you can work with and tell her that she needs to be your mother and you need to be her daughter and that she needs to stop her sillyness or one day it will be too late.

listen to your counsellor.

xx

Kimi - I hope that your mum recovers ok. I know exactly what you mean, which is why i feel so shit when my mother behaves like this - it makes it impossible to help her. TBH as much as it pains me, i think the best thing for me to do right now is actually leave her to her own devices as pandering to this behaviour just maintains the cycle - if she realises that actually, i don't have the time for this bullshit, she will pull herself together.