My DP is a robot, no other word for it , why did I not see this before? (Long, sorry)

[FlouncesWithVowels]

DP and I dont live together because of abuse issues, however I loved him enough to have a child with him and hoped that one day he would sort out his emotional problems and we would one day be able to live together.

Well now I know this will never happen. He pestered me and pestered me to live with him, was forever looking at houses to rent but our time living together pre-DD was disastrous, I ended up in a refuge before getting a place of my own. To cut a long story short we got back together but it was never the same and I told him I would never live with him and that he should embrace his talents and go out in the world. He is very talented at what he does but conflicted at having to be in a relationship as well. His "world" does not allow for it apparently

So now he has gone out in the world and tells me I have "set him free" and "he is not mine anymore". He says that it was all my doing, and admits that he resents me for giving him his freedom.

What annoys me is that he thinks I am gutted at the "loss" of him when in fact I am upset that this man that I loved madly was always in fact torn in two between his gifts and his relationship and it could never have worked.
To hear HIM tell it though, with all his pronouncements of "I'm never getting married again" and "I'm not 100% yours anymore" I ruined something wonderful. Bollocks. I was protecting myself and DD. It was like living with Jekyll and Hyde.

He says he is now back to what he was before he got married (been married twice, not to me)when he was 19, as if that's a good thing. He is 47 fgs. Why would anyone want to revert like that? You want to grow as a person, dont you? Esp by his age.

He says that he doesnt like himself much, and I said that I hoped by "setting him free" he might find some joy in finally being able to do just what he wants to do. But no. I was weeping as he left. I felt sorry for him. He's a robot, isnt he?

We will always be in each other's lives and I want him to be a father to DD which he is happy to do but our relationship is just...nothing. He doesn't stay over, we dont sleep together. He is not interested in seeing anyone else. I dont regret what I did. I can do without his heavy, depressive controlling and manipulative prescence around my little girl all the time and we get on fine now we have this arrangement but I cant help grieving for the man I thought he was and the talented but joyless person he is.

Unbelievably I still love him. Why am I wasting my energy? Can only think that it's because he is in a way my family, but having had my eyes opened I hardly know what to do, make a complete break, carry on the way things are? I dont know. Sorry if I'm rambling.

I am a regular btw but have namechanged.

You must be a very caring, supportive and understanding person to have gone though all of this and still have supported him. I think from reading your post you and you DD need to move on with your lives, whilst at the same time I realise (being a stepchild and a stepparent) that his presence in DDs life is important.

I am sure with your lovely qualities you would be better to try to move on and perhaps meet someone else you would appreciate and love you.

It is obvious that you would still love a man that you had poured so much energy into, that does not mean you have to be 'in love'. That is different. You can love a friend but need to be in love with a partner.

Good luck, I hope you find much happiness.

God, I do feel for you. An ex had these weird issues, and there is no winning.

I have to go, but want to briefly say

BLOODY HELL you have done brilliantly, bringing some kind of practical distance between you.

Emotional distance - the end of romantic love - will come, I think, in observing how he continues to behave.

God you've done well.

You do indeed sound lovely as BBF says.

If you were feeling like you were living with Jeckel and Hyde, then it's possible that the double personality might continue outside the relationship.

I don't know how old you or the man who left is.

I am not trying to strike fear into you. If I speculate, I would say that the current rejection made the man respond by trying to make you feel bad. You are standing firm, though also feeling sorry for him, perhaps not in a way that he can see.

To this man, being pushed out causes him to try to make you feel bad, if that fails, do you think he might "walk away" or turn nasty, in an attempt to bully you into taking him back?

Another (logical) step might be for him to suggest relate or counselling for you and him. The idea in theory is a good one, however, you and he are not going to have a relationship in the future. The nature of relate seems to promote communication and show feelings, so the other person can try to identify with how you feel, though I have to wonder if the man might not "play the game" to gather info to discover what hurts you and then launch an attempt to hurt you..... in which case, some sort of mediation would be better to help you and him come to an agreement about how best to look after the child would be.

I do wonder how likely the man is to keep to any agreement that you and he agree on.

A controlling person relies (not limited to) on people around him not being able to predict the next move and lack of trust, to promote insecurity.

Perhaps, while the things are "ok" between you, you should get some written form of agreement about how each of you should bring the DD up. Signed and dated, so you have a reference and acknowledged record of what is accepted and when.

I somehow don't think your worries are over.

I think you are right. Withdrawing in order to manipulate me is definitely part of his behaviour. This is probably just another example of it. I do think that he enjoys getting a reaction out of me which contradicts his supposed indifference. As he was leaving he calmly said 'don't cry' - not the action of a caring person!
Thanks also BBF and Onebat for your kind words. I am feeling the start of emotional distance but it is devastating to realize that he has not changed at all, just modified his abuse to be less overt IYSWIM,

I was thinking (sorry, I am slow sometimes) and you should have a better idea of the answer.

When the father of the child realises that he can't get to you, is there a chance that he might try to use the child's emotions to get at you?

Possibly N1, but I am very sensitive to his dodgy behaviour and would do my very best not to allow it to happen.

There is little doubt in my mind that you would want to protect the child (and I don''t know you).

Once the court and CAFCASS get involved, they don't see things the way you do and promote contact regardless of if the child gets hurt.

I know of a case where a parent walked over a road (having observed/supervised contact). That parent didn't hold the child's hand or walk close to the child to make sure they remain safe (the parent didn't think to). Walking on the pavement next to the road, and the parent not really interested in what the child was doing, so the child took them self between parked cars and into the face of oncoming traffic. The supervisor had to rush to pull the child into safety. The parent wasn't worried or even concerned (I am told). Not even a year later, the parent with care is accused of breaking court orders, being threatened with jail and the court are literally forcing unsupervised contact. The absent parent has done nothing to gain any education about what to look for or how to look after very young children. The parent with care wants to prevent the child being killed.

Your child and the case I mentioned have children of similar ages.