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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help, my husband want to leave, I am sure we can be happy again..

19 replies

hellish · 01/01/2009 14:54

What can I do? He says he doesn't love me, doesn't want to make it work even if it were possible.
He says he wants to move out for a few weeks to give him time to think. Won't this just be giving the dc the same "limbo" torture that I am going through right now?

OP posts:

findtheriver · 01/01/2009 15:00

Has this come out of the blue?

Any other changes in behaviour patterns?

To suddenly decide he doesn't love you and won't even try to make it work sounds bizarre. Mid life crisis?

Moving out temporarily isn't going to help anyone - he needs to sit down and talk as a starting point.

Original poster

hellish · 01/01/2009 15:05

It's funny findtheriver, he said me this morning, it's not a mid life crisis. He says he's been feeling like this for 6 months to a year. We have been distant if I'm honest but I thought he was depressed.

He has talked a little about what he feels is missing but just refuses to talk about how we can make it right.

It's driving me insane, he won't let me near him, and it's so hard keeping myself going for the children, when all I want to do is crawl under a rock.

OP posts:

blondemum · 01/01/2009 15:05

Hi hellish.

I took time out from my hubby and went back. Big regret going back.
You are going to have to accept this might be the inevitable. Start focussing in what you will need to do if you do split up. look at getting legal advise. This will chanel your anxieties I promise.

You are going to be upset,hurt and very angry with him. rightfully so.

Give him the space he needs. I might suggest marraige guidance for you both in his absence.
Good luck lady. Whatever happens, in six monts time, you will be focussed and have moved on.

KerryMumbles · 01/01/2009 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SwedesInACape · 01/01/2009 15:10

Does he want to find himself ....... in bed with another woman?

findtheriver · 01/01/2009 15:12

Have you actually addressed the depression issue with him, because it sounds as if he may be depressed.

He's clearly been bottling things up too, if he's been feeling like this for months but just withdrawing emotionally rather than acknowledging the problem.

It sounds to me as if he's maybe still on the 'journey' of realising that no marriage is a bed of roses, and that no one has the perfect relationship, because he is able to see what he isn't getting from it, but hasn't yet reached the stage of trying to work out how you can both make things happier and better. I know that isn't much help to you, but the reality is that these things often take time. There isn't a quick fix answer.

How about writing him a letter, keeping it fairly simple, saying that you are aware that there are issues between you, but also that moving out isn't going to provide all the answers - it's just avoiding the problem. Suggest that you set a time to talk properly about what you both want out of your lives.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/01/2009 17:05

another woman, sorry

CoteDAzur · 01/01/2009 17:18

I would suspect another woman.

Most (if not all) men are like monkeys. They won't let go of one branch unless they are holding onto another.

duomonstermum · 01/01/2009 17:28

hellish, my DH has been saying the same for the last 6mths. it has coincided with me returning to uni it's been a hard year because he had been depressed after a minor accident in may which left us in a financial mess for a few weeks. we had no longer gotten the claim sorted and back to an evenish keel when i started uni and he had to do more around the house. then his XW mother passed away (they were always very good to him after the divorce and she had asked for him on her deathbed) and a few weeks after that his youngest brother passed after a routine op.

in thw run up to xmas his DD(16) told him she was pregnant and keeping the baby and he's turning 40 this year. phew! all things that can cause reflection but there's been no chance to get his head around 1 thing never mind all that has gone on. we're going through a good phase at the moment although we did come vv close to ending it a few days before xmas.

i know he would be happier if he went for counselling, just to help him adjust but he's refused point blank. he knows there's a problem and it is mainly with him. i know that i have withdrawn quite a bit from him but it's the only way that i feel that i can cope at least if i start to protect myself i might be able to hold it together if he leaves. i have told him that if he leaves it will be his choice and he can explain to the kids why he's going. i'm not doing his dirty work. i know i'm cutting him a lot of slack but i'm hoping he'll realise that we're worth more than his stupid pride.

Quattrocento · 01/01/2009 17:29

Hellish, I don't want to worry you but every time I've heard this from RL friends, another woman has been involved.

Agree entirely about not putting the DCs through any uncertainty.

Sorry you are going through this.

surreygirl · 01/01/2009 17:38

Sorry Hellish but afraid I agree with QC and some other posters - my XH said the same and after much digging around by me I discovered there was OW was on the scene - a work colleague. Has he lost weight, working longer hours, changed online passwords, been out a lot lately and/or is very protective of his mobile?

Original poster

hellish · 01/01/2009 18:23

Thanks for all the replies, I am abit of a snoop and haven't seen any evidence of an OW but he is v tech savvy so I wouldn't be suprised.

We have broken up before, for around a year, then got back together. We both promised that we would work it out no matter what this time, I am so devastated that it has come to this and I am racking my brains as to what I can do.

Duomonstermum he has refused to consider counselling too, I don't know what to do, everytime I look at my dds I could cry. Last night I had to hide away a few times at a NYE party as I was so close to tears.

He seems totally emotionless about it and just keeps saying he needs space to think clearly and decide whether there is any point at all. Right now he is pretty determined that there isn't.

OP posts:

NAB3lovelychildren · 01/01/2009 18:25

Could you act at being strong, help him pack, carry on as if you don't care he has gone, and see if he wakes up to what he has to lose?

cheerfulvicky · 01/01/2009 18:28

I'm afraid it does sound like there is someone else. You can't force him to be with you... As painful as it is, focus on you and the DC's now and scope out your options with regarding separating. This will stop you from feeling so weak and helpless, and will give you something to think about.
Why won't he consider counselling?
This is a crap thing to happen, especially at this time of year. Take care of yourself x

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/01/2009 20:11

hellish, stop wracking your brains as to what you can do to change his mind

use your energies to sort out your head, see a solicitor or CAB as to your options should you permanently split, re-grow a backbone and take some control of your life

you can't make him love you, and you can't make him stay

I'm sorry, this must be awful for you

idontlikecricket · 02/01/2009 16:43

hellish
am going through a similar situation
am thinking of you.
you've got to think that the issues are not yours - they are his. hes obviously not ready to talk.
be kind to yourself and DCs and take some time out for you

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 02/01/2009 16:51

Dn't waste time worrying about how to make him stay. He isn't going to. In his head, he's left the relationship. So you need to start sorting out the practical aspects ASAP: the house, maintenance for the DC etc. Treat him with calm cheerfulness when you have to interact with him (then vent on MN or to a good friend): weeping and clinging to his ankles never work and make you feel much worse about yourself. SOme men get incredibly self-indulgent about leaving a relationship because they actually enjoy torturing their wives with the 'maybe I'll leave, maybe I won't, ooh, my feelings are so important, maybe if you suck my cock I'll stay just for tonight etc etc.' They want constant attention from women and can't stand it when they get the 'Off you fuck then' treatment.

Confusedanddazed · 02/01/2009 19:53

Hellish,
I really feel for you, I too am going through a similar situation and it's awful.
It seems that this is fairly common behaviour and I'm not sure that this makes it more or less depressing!
Can you talk to anyone in RL about this, perhaps take some time out with some good girlie mates and give yourself a break?
Thinking of you

ratbunny · 02/01/2009 21:16

I must agree that in these situations there is often an ow involved. I thought my xh was depressed etc, but he had an ow. and there was NO evidence - not even the classic list given by surreygirl. It was all contained at work.

why wont he go to counselling together?

If he doesnt go to counselling, I would suggest you get some conselling alone to help you deal with this.

But there really isnt anything you can do to change his mind if he is adamant. Sorry
Perhaps start looking into what you are entitled to (tax credits etc) so you are prepared?

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