My anger at what DP did is destroying me and my family

[BeenThereFeltThat]

Background on 2nd page of this thread posted on Wed 14-May-08 01:05:57 under same name as now.

I can't let go of the anger I feel towards DP for cheating when I was pregnant and for all the other times before that.

We haven't had sex since May and it was a very long time that we did before that.

I am angry all the time and taking it out on the DC. DD2 has regressed to peeing and pooing herself 4 months after being potty-trained at her own insistence.

I yell at them, swear, call them names and DD1 is copying me. I throw furniture, they are frightened. Then I am all lovely and we make cakes and do jigsaw puzzles ands have hugs. They don't deserve such a mad woman for a mother.
I can't bear it anymore I just want to walk away.
I hate him. He doesnt even seem to care he says he loves me but doesnt understand why I am angry. He thinks the past is past. He doesnt understand that the hurt is now and will never go away.
I know he is not going to do anything to try and mend our relationship, he is just going to stand there while it all crashes to the ground around him.

Your level of anger is such that I am sure many people will suggest counselling, or therapy, definitely for yourself, to come to terms with your anger.
This may lead to you feeling you need relate style counselling as a couple...right now you really need to talk to someone.
GPs normally have lists they can refer you to.
My friend spent a lot of time on the phone to the Samaritans when this happened to her, this may not suit everyone though.

I'd be bloody angry if this had happened to me. However, anger is very negative and destructive and so please do talk to someone neutral to get some other perspective on this.

woould you be happier without him?

are you taking it out on the children because you can't express to your dp how much he has hurt you?

miggsie - thanks for replying.
I can't afford to go back to the counsellor i was seeing before and there is no free counselling where i live. But i know it's the only thing that'll help.
DP will make a fuss about paying for it if we go, that's what he's like - he'll think it's a waste of money. Actually i am the one who keeps the whole financial show on the road so its a bit ironic really. have to go he is here now.

NAB - believe me i have expressed it to him in no uncertain terms.
I think the DC would lose out if we split up as he is a good dad (apart from the fact he jepordised his family by being unfaithful)
sometimes i think it would be easier without him but i want to be happy with him, i really do, i want everything to be fixed.
I just cant see how it ever can be

I recently went through something and felt like it would never be fixed. I was the guilty party if you like and I really do want it fixed. I truly believe if someone wants to change then they can.

Well I think this is mainly a hard situation for you and not really very hard for your dp.

Presumably you need to feel that you can trust him again and that he is sorry for being unfaithful - surely he realises this is a big deal for you? I think he owes you the support you need to get back on track. If he is not willing to provide that support then I don't see how the relationship can ever be fixed.

He can still be a good father to your kids if you are not together. But can he ever make you feel happy whilst you are together? Your happiness and mental state will have a big impact on your kids and you owe it to yourself to make sure you are OK.

He just doesnt seem to think that what he did has any bearing on us. he thinks im boring for going on about it. He hasnt even said he is sorry, probably because he isnt sorry, i mean he enjoyed the fling.
We argue about everything, everything he does angers or annoys me.
Things have been fairly crap for years, but now it feels like we are approaching crisis point, meltdown. I cant imagine splitting up. He's not abusive, he doesnt hit me or shout or any of that, im the violent one.

He doesn't seem to want to take responsibility for his actions or for improving the relationship - I think splitting up would be the best thing for you so that you can take back some control and get your self esteem back. I am sorry you have to deal with this, it sounds really crap.

podrick - i had forgiven him already a lot of times. it was just the last straw really. i dont trust him and why shoulkd i if he has never done anything to gain or keep that trust?
I dont feel i have the emotional energy to trust him again.
i dont want to split up, i dont want to be on my own, i wouldnt find anyone else, am too bitter.

Your anger may well be completely justified, but you are harming your children with your erratic and violent behaviour. (As you acknowledge in your OP.) Whilst counselling may be the answer for you and your relationship with your husband, this will take some time to work through and you need to do something immediately regarding how you interact with your children.

Can you sign up for parenting classes or get some support through health services (GP, health visitor)?

i just cant see us splitting up, i want to try and fix it but i think he'll just call it a loud of psychobabble if we see a councellor.
There is nothing he can say or do that would make me trust him again.

We havent had sex because my body rejects him, in my mind i know some intimicy would help but its like my body is saying 'no, why do you want to have sex with someone you dont trust? why would you be so crazy as to do that?'

unavailiable - i have some tranquillisers or ADs, not sure what they are really, my gp prescribed before the summer.

I could take them but that would just be sweeping it all under the carpet.

I need to see the councellor but cant afford it, we are just scraping by and will be for the next few months...or years.

Have to put DC to bed now, thanks for your support.

It sounds as though the only thing keeping you together is fear of going it alone.

I honestly think you will feel better without your dp, your self esteem will come back, the anger won't come out at the kids and will reduce a lot and the bitterness will go when you don't have to face your dp everyday. You are far more likely to find someone else if you leave dp than if you stay. You can't leave unless you feel ready though. I suggest that you start to think about how you could leave and how things could work if you did. You don't have to do it overnight.

Taking ADs would not be sweeping it under the carpet. It would be a way of helping you to start making decisions from a more rational and stable state of mind.

There is quite a lot of financial support available for single mums...you say that you are only scraping by anyhow...you may not lose much financially in that case?

Sleep well & may 2009 be better for you and your children

No trust = no relationship.

You are angry at him but your anger is being misdirected onto your children, they are not at fault here. Its your partner and you who need to talk properly. That's the thing with affairs too; after the affair the cheater does not want to discuss it (as in their mind its over) but the person cheated on wants to still talk about it.

I don't think you can fix this on your own, particularly without counselling. If he won't go to counselling go on your own.

Why can't you see the possibility of splitting up?. Are you actually afraid of being alone?.

Beenthere - you sound as if you are really caught up in a negative and destructive cycle. If you go back to your GP and explain how you are feeling, you may get referred for therapy and any medication s/he prescribes could well prove useful in the short term. Do you still have a health visitor? Could you talk to her? You dont have to feel like this.

Beentherefeltthat, you should leave him. How can you forgive him if he's not sorry.

My x abused me, verbally but also physically to a lesser degree, he's not sorry. It has made forgiveness impossible, I can only begin to forget, and I can only do this because I'm not with him and I'm getting on wiht my own life.

I've had a few counselling sessions too. I can't say I came out of them feeling better, I didn't, in fact I came out of one and had to cling on to some railings I was gasping for badly for breath and crying..... BUT...... it maybe did marshall my thoughts or something, becuase I do feel better now.

How can you get past it when you see him every day, still defiantly NOT even looking for forgiveness!!

Being alone is brilliant compared to being miserable! Ok, it doesn't compare with a happy, functional marriage, but that isn't what you've got. Your options are 1) single, or 2) living with a man who isn't sorry that he's cheated on you.

I think you should go to counselling on your own to give you the courage to leave and the optimism to believe that life as a single woman isn't bad!

Please, go to counselling on your own.

ps, who cares about meeting somebody else??? Even if you NEVER meet somebody else (which is a worst case scenario) even that is better than being miserable with somebody.

So, to the outside world you look like a couple?? Well, as the Red Hot Chilli Peppers said, this life is more than just a read through. You have one life, fix your life from the inside. Don't worry about what people think. What would you advise you to do if you were your own best friend?

I have optimism and enthusiasm and energy now. Had none of this 18 months ago. I was bitter and angry though. I'm only a little bit angry now. It's smaller than my optimism for the future. I agree with pp, you should go to your gp. You can't go on like this. New year etc..

You owe it to yourself and to the children to get on with life, and not just let this life you've stumbled into bulldoze over you.

Get some help for the sake of your children, what you are making them witness is intolerable and will damage them.

If you have medication, take it. If you don't feel it is approprite, or doesn't seem to help, go back to your doctor.

Help yourself, put your cheating partner out of the picture. Whether you stay together or not, your future (and that of your dc) should be in your hands.

I am soo sorry this happened to you. all i ask is that you start to think long and hard about this.
Your poor kids are suffering emotionally as a result, your DD2 had retracted back to needing you on a more practicle level. this is worrying. I know it's not your fault tat you are behaving like this but you are making the kids scared of you. the parent that offeres the emotional support is the mum. the cuddles, tucking in , and nursing.
The onas is on you to make a decision and fast as you and your kids are at risk here.

There will always be a trust issue with your husband. He doesn't seem to be willing to try anything to get the realtionship back on track.
I think you should consider parting, as tis will always hang over you.

You are a wonderful mum, you love your children dearly as the guilt you have expresseed clearly demonstates that.
You deserve better.

xxx

God how awful for you, and for your poor kids. You've got to do something, or your children will be permanently damaged. Surely this man isn't worth all the misery the situation is causing?

Maybe if you left him he might be a bit more apologetic in an attempt to get you back, and maybe he'd be prepared to work a bit harder at undoing the damage he's done to your relationship. If he's not, then I reckon you're better off without him?