I have been on MN for a while but have namechanged for this post.
I am a (usually happily) married woman (what marriage doesn't have its ups and downs...?)
I still think a lot about my ex bf. Our relationship ended because of his dedication to his career and unwillingness to commit.
My subsequent marriage happened about a year later and was rather a 'whirlwind romance' - having met and got married within a year.
I kept in contact with my ex bf but when we spoke he seemed to be intimating that he wanted to see me again but not platonically. He was/is still single last time we spoke. I told him categorically that this was not on and I can't believe he thought I would ever entertain it.
I didn't contact him this Christmas as I don't want to 'encourage' this behaviour or mislead him. I felt mean but that I had to be cruel to be kind. But I really miss him, think about him a lot and wonder what he is doing and how he is. I think I really loved love him, although now in a non sexual way, and I would not be jealous if he had found a new partner, I just want him to be happy. I feel very guilty writing this as I know the hurt it would cause my dh. I love my dh but in a different way, we are less well balanced. I found my ex bf so attractive in all sorts of ways, we were so well matched - he was kind, funny and physically attractive to me, and I miss the intellectual stimulation, humour and 'spark' we had.
I could go on and on about whether I made the right decision in getting married, whether I have 'settled' etc, but what's done is done. I am 100% committed to my dh and ds and I know how hurt my dh would be about this. I cannot talk to him about it as he is very jealous and possessive. That said, I would never be unfaithful. DH has done nothing wrong, and I feel very selfish to be thinking about my ex when he was not prepared to commit and love me as dh has done.
But still, I feel a real loss for a dear friend and I can't even be friends with him now. I feel extremely sad, in tears, wondering what he is doing and how he is. I vowed never to contact him again though although I still have his contact details stored away somewhere.
I am so confused about my feelings and thought it would help to talk and share the situation here. Have I done the right thing?
Has anyone else experienced this mourning for a lost love? Will I ever be able to forget about him?