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[kleio]

I am really anxious.
My boyfriend has this girl - friend whom he has known since school. Recently they've both discovered a serious passion for cycling and go out riding together a lot. They share the same interests and i can't help thinking he should be with her and not me; they seem so perfect for each other and it is making me irrationally jealous and upset because my boyfriend is my whole world, i have no one else but him.

They are both obsessed by cycling and sport, he's an academic, and she's an engineer, they both went to elite universities, they both want to live in the same area of the uk, they both want to wait to have kids until in their 30s. She does martial arts (which he admires greatly), and she works with the environment (which i envy because its an aspiration i have unable to achieve due to academic contraints), she earns loads and i earn little presently. She home bakes everything and was brought up just like he was really, unlike me. She's sweet and nice and just...so damn personable. Whereas i am aloof. I just feel like Mr. Darcy to the other guy. She's nice, i've met her, she's naive and far too innocent because she's never suffered anything, but i'd never say anything bad of her.

She said to my friend she isn't interested in him; he isn't her type at all. But me and my boyfriend started out like that! I didn't fancy him, and it all just kinda happened by accident.

But i wanted that life with him! I want to share his life. I don't want anyone else! My man is beautiful to me. I don't want to lose what i see as my future too...to this...rival. I just want her to find some other man or be relocated overseas!

And he refuses to commit to me at all. It's at the point where i think i might move out to be taken seriously. I'm also worried he'll be seduced away by lust, because in a long term relationship, though we have regular sex and i spice things up, he just never initiates anything (but never has.) I just worry this will tip the boat in her favour because she's new and interesting.

They have very personal msn conversations. I would NEVER have with anyone. (not sexual). And this is all new!

The other day he showed me her facebook profile and asked if i thought she was pretty! She is prettier than me without makeup, and she's a natural blonde, tall, slim, athletic. (i'm small, slim and dark haired).

He says he'd never be interested in her romantically because she is a christian, but he is drawn to really moral girls, and because he is an athetist, to me, it's almost like that makes her his perfect compliment, that kind of light-dark attraction thing. And he does find my values 'silly' because i am a tad eccentric and do things my own way while he thinks everything must be done 'properly' (like she does).

And here's the worst part. I'm pregnant. He doesn't know. And he doesn't want kids at all! He asked me once years ago if i had an accidental pregnancy if i'd have an abortion - i said no, and he said, i'll leave in that case, so what could i say but ok...

I don't know whether to chose him or the baby, but i don't want him to run into the arms of this other girl while no man will want me with his offspring and a ruined figure that was my only pulling power...

Life is so damn unfair.

And i am so paranoid.

oh and he told me 'there was no point us doing anything together new year' and then i find out he's going to the pub with her and some gay friend of his, i decided to invite myself and he didn't protest, but then he told me today that he no longer wanted to go to the pub...because i'm there?

kleio, if this girl wasn't in the picture, how would you view your relationship?

i mean, his refusal to commit, not initiating anything sexual, finding your values "silly", saying he would leave if you fell pregnant.

i mean, i'll be totally honest with you it doesn't sound like the basis for a great relationship, even without this other girl in the picture

what age are you kleio?

do you have support of family and friends if you decide to go through with this pregnancy? if you are not going to go through with it, get to the doc and start the ball rolling asap. maybe a good idea to get to doc anyway.

he doesnt sound like great dad material, your relationship doesnt sound like theres much mileage left to it, though i could be wrong.

you alone have to live with the consequences of whatever decision you make.

sorry for stating the obvious/krap advice, perhaps call some proffessional helplines

Do you want the baby?

If the answer is yes then you have to accept that this may be on your wn but you should make this decision before you speak to him. Then he can make up his own mind. There is no point in trying to make him stay with you if he does notwant to as he will leave at some point if he really doesn't want to stay.

I think you are worried about the other girl because of how he is with you. If you were confident in your relationship it wouldn't matter who he was friends with

hi kleio, congratulations on your pregnancy!! Don't be so hard on yourself sweets. Reading your post has made my heart heavy. I think TIY is on the right path: how do you think your relationship is if you leave everyone else out? If it's just you and him? It doesn't sound like he is as into you as you are into him. I'm really sorry if that sounds so harsh, I guess I just want to warn you now before you have the baby and he turns out to be a wanker and walks.

If you want to find some happiness in life you must stop to compare yourself and talk yourself down. You're brunette, slim and express yourself so well. So you've got a kooky way of doing things, well, I think that's refreshing and it would be so boring if we'd all always do everything the same way

Could you not do a course to improve your education? A recession/downturn in the economy is a really good time to retrain and focus on learning new skills. How old are you? Could you do charity (eco charity) work in your free time? I know quite a few UK charities that will take you on regardless of edu. Don't be afraid to go for what you want to do.

Now, to the baby: sad as it is I have to say I had an abortion. It was the right thing but I am still so fucking gutted and sad about it -3 years on. I have a baby now but there's always a shadow where there's supposed to be a second child. Think very carefully about this. For me, I know I made the right decision. Don't let anyone sway you, allow yourself the time to make that decision. Do you have family around you? Could they help? The first few weeks are tough, but it gets a lot better then. Don't necessarily rely on your dp, it really sounds as if he is on a different trip than you. TBH, if he doesn't know how good he's got it you should let him go.

Listen: one sentence made me double-take: that he's your everything, your world. That is a really unhealthy attitude, you need to center yourself in you and don't hang yourself and your life on other people. x

PS: You'll get your figure back!! And the love you feel for your babe will make you more independent and stronger to stand up for yourself and him/her.

Oh dear. TBH it sounds as though he could well decide the grass is greener with this girl - he's not very committed to you and in this situation he's got this other girl giving him attention and all that...I'm not surprised you are worried. Not that men and women can't be friends but there is something wrong with this picture. The new year thing is weird. I remember one st Paddy's day my ex bf was going to pub with mutual friends. I 'invited myself' too as he hadn't, he spent the whole night ignoring me and flirting with other girls because he was pissed off i was there. Just sounds a bit similar...

About the baby - do you know if you want kids ever? If so then this relationship is a waste of time anyway. @nd - you don't know how he'd actually react if you told him. Reality might be different to how he imagines it. Not that I think he sounds like a great partner to you, but you never know. Parenthood is hard and single parenthood harder - but if you want the baby you must have it. Terminating for someone else is the worst thing anyone can do. If you don't want it that's different - but you should tell him so he can support you through it. It will be a barometer of how supportive he is if nothing else.

Third - your figure is not the only thing going for you, nor will it be permanently ruined by pregnancy. I have a good friend who is a single mum, she has loads of attention and plenty of sexy guys

tbh I also think he dosn't sound as into you as well - do you live together etc? have you been together long.

you sound quite young, he tbh sounds like he wants nothing serious, maybe he's waiting for her I don't know? anyhow,

I think personally you should forget about him to a degree, (not split up but forget about making him happy etc) to be so co dependant on someone else as previously said isn't healthy, he can't be your everything like you can't be his, you need to find interests/friends of your own outside of your relationship with him. Go to the gym etc as well. if you feel good about yourself and get your own self worth/esteem off the floor then you will hopefully become more confident & secure within the relationship.

re the baby, I agree having a termination for someone else isn't the way to go. both of you need to sit down and talk it thru really. how would you feel about having to raise said child alone?

If he is committed to you thou he does need to play his part as well and help you to feel more secure as well.

oh and remember one thing, he's with you, he's choosing to want you not want her.

he sounds like a selfish man .

he has to take responsibility for the pregnancy.. i presume that you were using contraception and had a failure?

you should not, IMO, choose him over the baby. if you want the baby, and without knowing your age, it is hard to say if this is a 'last chance saloon', i would certainly keep the baby.

he does not seem to think much of you, putting his and her feelings above yours, and sounds like you have almost decided they are a better match and a fit than you are

i doubt she would think much of his morals, if she is such a strong christian, if he forced you to have a termination or left due to the pregnancy.

i would think of your needs first, regarding the baby