Ok, am i being mean in not inviting my parents over for New Year ?

[goblinvalley]

I don't think i am and don't really want to, we spent Christmas day with them.

BUT i have just had a phone call from my mum, and at the end when i said i would talk to her in a couple of days i got 'oh, i was waiting for an invite' !

I said that we don't celebrate New Year, they know this - we never do, we go to bed and got an ice cold response along with 'bye then'

To be honest, spending time with them is tense and uncomfortable. I'm ok as it is what i grew up with, but my dh finds it terrible. There is a lot of sniping/arguing that they do in front of us including my ds (5) At the moment it is weekly, was every 2nd weekend but they are in the process of moving closer. Which has meant that they keep 'popping' in!

I now feel crap, as i just know they will be sat there on New Year's Day saying that no-one wants them. They have fallen out with my brother previously which is still not fixed properly. He basically lives his life and does what he wants leaving me to pick up the pieces. And my Aunt's family have the perfect family get togethers/holidays which my parents want and i don't.

Sorry about the length, once i start i might just never stop

what do they normaly do?

Nope not unreasonable!! Stick to yoru guns. You have had a lovely xmas with them, you do not celebrate New Year and also have a child in the house. Your New Year, your choice. Dont be made to feel guilty over it. xx

what did they do last year? and the year before?

YANBU

sounds quite passive aggressive - they say they are waiting for an invite and can now be all cross that you haven't done so

agree completely with rubyslippers - why not just ask to come or extend the invite to you to join them - looks like she's looking for a quarrel whatever answer you give them

Normally we have always done Christmas and New Year, but this is because i can't bring myself to upset them. My father wants the whole family get together and i know that they get upset if we want to do something different - they tell me! I have also seen the upset that my brother choosing to go away at Christmas did.

I tend to encourage my dh to go, as he really doesn't want to. He likes gets on with my parents, but dislikes the regularity and what he sees as their controlling behaviour - and they are moving closer !

But this year we wanted a nice stressless Christmas and i had agreed to go to my parents, so we had Christmas a day early - it was fab but i felt soooooo guilty. fgs i'm nearly 40

NO, YANBU.
I have MIL coming here and I'm dreading it.

time to cut it out then, you're never going to win the battle so just say simply from now on you'll be spending New Year on your own in your own house and that you hope they understand?

good luck - its never easy

goblinvalley

Stop feeling guilty - guilt is a useless emotion. And they don't feel at all guilty about upsetting you do they?.

Stand your ground re New Year or you will regret it. Let them sulk; you do not need this in your own life. Bet Christmas Day with them was bad enough as well.

I feel for you, you grew up with their crap behaviours so you regard their behaviours as somewhat normal. You realise that it is not normal at all. You also write that you cannot bear to upset them; this also works in their favour as you do not consider your own feelings as important. You must put you and your own family unit first now.

Your brother falling out with your parents as well was probably more your parents doing rather than his. Your brother as well is old enough to live his own life and is also likely fed up with his parents controlling ways. He's therefore understandably jumped ship. If they (your parents) don't get their own way then its the silent treatment. They sound incredibly childish, not just ot say toxic, and I reckon they both are as bad as one another.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. Controlling and passive aggressive behaviours are all typical of these types of people. Also they never take any responsibility for their actions, blame everyone else and never ever apologise.

Would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

I would also suggest you read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dan Neuharth if you have not already done so.