Can our marriage be saved after my husband did this?

[mummytowillow]

We've been married for five years, together six, mostly happy, when DD arrived 16 months ago things changed, I was diagnosed with PND 7 weeks ago, but looking back have had it since she was 6 months old. I've been horrible, irrational, verbally abusive and generally a nasty cow! I've had treatment and I'm now a different woman, thankfully!

I have apologised endlessly for how I've been, hubby accepted this (with difficulty) and we agreed to move on, things seemed to have improved greatly and I thought it was going to work?

So why on Boxing Day did he think it was a good day to tell me 'he doesn't love me anymore' we had a row and he left me, our daughter and two very shocked parents to go to his mothers two hours away.

Over the last two weeks he had been distant, very cool, not interested in me, refusing sex etc. I thought this was strange and whilst looking at our mobile phone bill online (I rarely do this but was suspicious) noticed he had sent hundreds and I mean hundreds of text to a number I didn't recognise. I phoned it and it was a woman, on further investigation whilst he was on a so called works christmas do he had phoned and texted her and met her! I have confronted him and he has admitted all, she is a work colleague who is single, no kids, long dark hair need I say more, he has met her, phoned, texted and kissed her, he even phoned her within minutes of leaving me on boxing day! He has also been texting and talking on the phone from our house whilst looking after our daughter, even when I was in the house, isn't that sick? He is adamant that he hasn't had sex with her but I am doubtful about this? He has deleted her number from his phone, promised he won't contact her and I have sent her a text telling her to leave us alone.

He is now horribly embarrased about his behaviour and wants to make another go of it, but I can't get them together out of my head, he has let me believe all our problems were because of me and it was him!! He even admitted that when we were going to talk about boxing night he would still have blamed me if I hadn't found out about the mobile bill! How cruel is that!

I do love him and want to work it out, but can I do this with a man who says he doesn't love me (I'm also confused why he wants to do this to), can we get it back?? Or am I flogging a dead horse, and should I pack my bags and getting running!!

It sounds like you are being very fair in exploring your own part in the break-down of relations with your DH. And he appears to be prepared to admit his culpability in his infidelity.

Perhaps it might be worth spending a few hours with a relationship counsellor (Relate) to work out whether it is desirable and/or possible to save your marriage.

Don't feel bad about being scared of being on your own - some people stay in extremely violent and unhealthy relationships for that very reason (with and without children). It might be that you can salvage your marriage together as you sound like you had lots of positive things going for you. I guess, at the end of the day, your DH has to work out what his feelings are for you - has he fallen out of love? If so, is he prepared to work towards rekindling those feelings? Some couples work through these sorts of issues and come out stronger and more honest for it.

I hope the new year brings you happiness.

To those posters slagging off the OP's DP: if a man was verbally abusive and rejecting to his wife because of undiagnosed, untreated depression, would she be seen as bad and wrong for growing closer to another man? Or would it be seen as a reasonable response to continuous sniping and what appeared to be actual dislike from one's partner? I am not blaming the OP for having suffered from PND, but the man is not entirely to blame for the current situation either.

i was in an identical situation as you,married same amount of time but been together for 12...he did the same but he slept with his fancy bit,i brushed myself off met someone else and this scared him to death as it all happened so fast,it made him see what he had doneand what me and his children really ment to him

things have never been better and we are TTC at the moment,i'm a little more suspisious but apart from that its great

hope things work out well for you,but you can start again with a toddler i did in less than a week with 3 dc's although it was rebound it was great for an ego boost

I havent suggested that OP husband has been a terrible father or neglected his child. I find it odd that there are comments about shared responsibility for the current situation.
Maybe i have read it wrong ?

While both partners are jointly responsible for resolving problems in their marriage OP cannot and should not take responsibility for her husbands bad choices.Many marriages cope with a lot more than undiagnosed pnd.

Mummyofwillow , its worrying to see that he was still willing to blame you had he not been found out.

Maybe he was feeling depressed himself or flattered or whathaveyou, but whatever the reasons the fact that he chose to engage this behaviour is his problem and not yours.

This doesnt mean hes a terrible person and you should fling him out , weve all done things we regret. Point is , does he genuineley regret it , or is he sorry hes been caught ?

I agree with inlawoutlaw - when all is said and done, the OP's DH CHOSE to have this extra-marital liaison, thus almost breaking his marriage vows. That is his problem, not that he was feeling under the weather, as though his wife was some screaming harridan he didn't know, or unloved etc.

If you truly love someone and want to be with them forever, you take the rough with the smooth, you work at it, and you help your OH to cope with whatever life is flinging at them. You don't skip off with the first alternative that comes your way.

I agree with jelliebelly. A relationship consists of 2 people and though the guy's actions are horrible I think it's unfair to simply blame him and ignore the fact that the Op wasn't herself for a few months and acting out of style and behaving terrible (it's very very good that she is now receiving the treatment she needs).

I think to overcome whatever happened it is vital for the OP not to just blame her Dh for what happened but rather work together to get back to the happy 6 years they had had before. A baby is a BIG change for even the most loving relationship. Thumbwitch is right, the OP's Dh should have been there for her in her need. But it's also important to now not break a relationship apart (and leave the baby in a broken home) and try to sit around the table and figure out what can be done to heal the pain and get closer again.

Could you guys try councelling or speak about it one-on-one when you drop the baby at grandparents? Maybe a chance to get tighter again.

Also: I don't think there was necessarily sex involved. It sounds more like a fantasy escapist thing to me.

If your h is prepared to take full responsibility for his affair (whether emotional, sexual or both)and willing to go to counselling (if you want it), there is a chance your relationship can get back on track. Though it concerns me when you say he gives in easily. Surely if you are a worthy reward, you are worth fighting for? Why does he give in easily? Does he have low self-esteem?