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Original poster

Is there a way to avoid this next year? Or do I have to just accept it?

24 replies

OrmIrian · 29/12/2008 16:27

MIL and my parents came for the day on Xmas Day. Dh had to fetch MIL as she doesn't drive. Was away about an hour. My parents turned up just before they got here. Lunch, present opening, walk, tea, then my parents started to make going home noises. At which point dad asked MIL if she needed a lift home (only a little out of their way).' No, I'm staying thanks. At least I think I am, I brought my bag'. . This has not been agreed before, in fact the only mention of it was my asking DH is we could try to avoid this this time.

MIL is fine. Annoying but hell compared to some on here annoying is damn near perfect! But we have no guest room, she can't get in any of the DCs beds as DH has built them all cabin beds and bunks. So either we turf out of our bed for her or she sleeps on the sofa. I don't like expecting elderly people to sleep on a sofa but neither do I want to give up my bed really. House is chaos, I could do without MIL there too. Plus added to that, she sits and sits in the morning, takes ages to get up, wants proper breakfast sitting at the table (we have all eaten long before) and the day just disappears before we get a chance to enjoy it. And this year we were going to my parents to have lunch as my aunt and cousins were going to be there. DH had to drive her home first and then come back for us as the car won't take 6.

Incidentally MIL is coming back for the day later this week.

Dh is very sensitive on the subject of his mum atm. He got very snappy with me about her - once when I first mentioned trying to get her to go home on Xmas Day and once when I suggested we need to get a move on on Boxing Day morning.

How to tackle this? It's not a big deal but it's a bit of a pita TBH.

OP posts:

LadyMuck · 29/12/2008 16:30

I would say that you have 12m to come up with an alternative sleeping arrangement for her. Do you have any storage space for a zbed?

CatMandu · 29/12/2008 16:31

I feel for you, we gave up our bed for PIL's this year and ended up sleeping on a sofa each for three nights - not fun. However it is do-able. Could you go for compromise and invite her to stay, but say 'the only thing is, we have to get a move on the following day'. She can either get up with you or you could leave her the makings of breakfast on the table when you leave.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/12/2008 16:31

But where will I put a z-bed? Tis the lack of room as much as the lack of bed iyswim.

OP posts:

aGalChangedHerName · 29/12/2008 16:33

If she wants to come then let her sleep on the sofa.

Tell her you are leaving at x o'clock and she can either be up and ready for that time or take the bus or a taxi?

Or tell DH you are taking the car and he can spend the day with his mum while you get on with plans at your parents?

DoubleBluff · 29/12/2008 16:34

an air bed?

DeckTheHallsWithBling · 29/12/2008 16:36

Oh dear. This sounds hideous. I wish I had a suggestion for you but I'm afraid I don't. I can't even get DP to agree to discuss with his mum when she comes to stay for 6 weeks! So she just anounces her dates! [to be fair, she doesn't expect us to drop everything when she comes, but still!]

fuzzywuzzy · 29/12/2008 16:37

Ask your DH to come up with a compact comfortable sleeping solution for his mum for next year, and then let him get on with it.

Flihgtattendant · 29/12/2008 16:38

at her rudeness

Unless you think she and dh were already ina greement that she was staying, do you think that is possible?

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/12/2008 16:39

6 weeks deck!

OP posts:

Flihgtattendant · 29/12/2008 16:39

Why does she want to stay btw?

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/12/2008 16:39

I did wonder that flight

OP posts:

Original poster

OrmIrian · 29/12/2008 16:41

I have no idea. She says the sofa is very comfortable and doesn't mind about that. I wonder if it's just that she likes the christmas atmosphere. Which makes me feel guilty now I think about it. Her DD lives a mile away from MIL and never invites her so I guess she might feel a bit lonely and deflated.

OP posts:

ilovelovemydog · 29/12/2008 16:43

I feel your pain.... Have a friend to stay perhaps? Back problems so you cannot sleep on couch...

Or could you get her to have a Boxing Day lunch so she would have to go home to prepare?

OhBling · 29/12/2008 16:55

Yup. I'm thinking of passive aggressively planning all kinds of activities this year for the time I know she's likely to turn up. Then when anyone says anything I will simply say breezily, "If no one feels the need to discuss plans with me, then I will go ahead with my own plans. So sorry I can't see you while you're here..."

Or even better, I think I should invite all my friends who live far away to come visit for those weeks so that she really can't stay with us.

ComeWhineWithMe · 29/12/2008 16:55

Would it be possible to make/buy a trundle for one of the bunks then when she stays she could go on that?

Handy if your dc have friends for sleepovers too .

OhBling · 29/12/2008 16:57

On a more serious (and linked to OP) note, if you don't mind her staying too much, but find it difficult in the morning after, is it possible to just get on with your day without her? And if necessary, say to DP - "you and I agreed we would do x,y,z so if your Mum stays over, that's fine, but I'm not changing those plans"?

Or, agree in advance that she will stay, but agree the groundrules with her? "MIL - do you want to stay for Christmas night? We're going to be manic on Boxing day with the children and visiting my parents, but if you don't mind getting up a bit early, we'd love to have you"?

ohappydays · 29/12/2008 20:10

I know Christmas is a stressful time balancing every ones needs. But she is your husband's mother who raised him and he obviously loves and as you say elderly. Has she a husband/partner or does she have to go home to an empty house. Give her your bed and humour her for Boxing Day. I hate it if my ds tried to get rid of me at Christmas It will teach your children how to look after their elderly parents with love. Sorry to preach.

zipzap · 30/12/2008 00:06

OhB and OHD - you are all much more charitable than I am - I would be furious if DH and MIL ganged up on me like this. Is there something going on between them that you don't know about to make DH extra sensitive about her ATM or does he always put her ahead of his family?

Definitely agree that you need to discuss this with DH before next time and point out that your boxing day was spoilt by the fact his mother invited herself to stay and see what he has to say about it. (not sure if you want to challenge him about whether or not you he said she could stay despite your previous discussions about it).

Next time - could your DPs pick her up as well as drop her home if it is not a long way out of their way - that way they would be able to make sure that no overnight bag got brought with them

Or if you have made plans for boxing day / whatever next year, then you need to be in charge of ringing her up to invite her to xmas day and make a point of saying that, sorry but as you have already got plans for boxing day, it won't be possible for her to stay over, but that you could see her again later on in the week... don't let DH do it so that he can't get talked into saying she can stay! I know it's probably easier said then done, but you have got nearly a whole year to psyche yourself up for it

You also need to get your children on side, so that they can tell their dad how boxing day was spoilt by granny taking so long to get ready and then having to go home first so that they missed out on playing with their cousins etc etc

good luck for next year and spend a few happy hours daydreaming of all the things that you would have like to have said to her when she said she 'thought she was staying...' along the lines of 'Nope, pretty sure that we agreed that you were definitely going home' and maybe by next year if history tries to repeat itself and she tries it on again, you'll have the right line to trip out and ensure she goes home. Oh and get your parents on board so that they don't offer her the option of a lift home per se, but present it as what has been agreed as what is happening so it makes it more akward for her to stay.

good luck!

Is she going to stay with you when she comes back to visit you this week? If so, time to start setting out some timetables in advance so she can't spoil any other days for you...

ramonaquimby · 30/12/2008 00:30

it's not hideous at all

give up your bed, it's one day a year. don't change your plans when she is there - she can muck in with you or have her own schedule. Just think that you're going to be a MIL one day and treat her like you'd like to be treated

skidoodle · 30/12/2008 01:38

unless being a mil necessarily involves being manipulative, self-centerered, rude and inconsiderate I don't see any good reason for such awful behaviour to be encouraged.

If you don't want her to stay then it seems you should make sure to issue the invitation yourself and make clear that she will be dropped home.

You also need to force the issue with your husband - he needs to discuss this with you. He is out of order to force his agenda onto you like that. If he wanted her to stay he should have spoken to you and not blindsided you like that

Original poster

OrmIrian · 30/12/2008 09:49

Thankyou.

How do you force someone to fit in with your plans when the plans involve leaving the house and she won't get dressed It isn't even giving up my bed that bothers me really - done it before - it's more that our bedroom looks like a warzone. It takes a lot of work to get our house looking presentable these days and our bedroom becomes a gloryhole for all unwanted junk for a few days. Not to mention the detritus of the DC's stockings that morning. Not a good place for anyone else to sleep TBH. I suspect that most MILs would quite like to have a DIL as accomodating and affectionate as I am. I go out of my way but this has become a bone of contention over the last few years.

zipzap - I think guilt is driving DH. He used to be a bit dismissive of his mother (which upset me not a little). I think the change has been driven by his sister who is being a total cow to her mother atm and wants nothing to do with her. DH is trying to make up for that. Come to think of it he got very upset about some plans that my parents made and I had to ring them up and explain and ask them to change them . So not sure why DH couldn't do that same.

Right next year I will be proactive. Quick phone call before the event "MIL, I hope you will be able to come to us on Xmas Day? We'd love to see you. DH will pick you up, about 12, after church? And then PIL will take you home".

OP posts:

lunamoon2 · 30/12/2008 12:56

Sending hugs Orm
Think you have come up with a good idea, always better to lay your cards on the table with people like this.

Ideally you shouldn't have to as you expect others to be considerate and have the same manners that you have.

I would make it clear that you have plans for the next day, like I had to this year. You do feel guilty for a few minutes but at the end of the day it is your life.

aGalChangedHerName · 30/12/2008 12:59

Yes thta sounds like a plan Orm. Or tell DH that you and the dc will be leaving the house on Boxing Day at noon with or without him and it then falls to him to get his mother out the door?

Let him sort it out properly!!

aGalChangedHerName · 30/12/2008 13:00

Thankfully theoldbat my mil is abroad every Christmas so i never have these problems

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