Advice needed.....please.

[whispywhisp]

A very good friend of mine has had her DH leave her - he left about 6 weeks ago. He has hardly been in touch, has been home no more than a couple of times, has been to his GP and signed off work with depression and is on ADs and sleeping pills.

He doesn't keep in touch other than the odd text message to one of his kids, no-one knows where he is living - the only way my mate knows where he is is by looking at internet banking and seeing where he's withdrawing cash.

She lives in a housing association property - and the house is under both their names. She works and she wants to continue working despite not having him around to help with the kids etc...but I have offered to have the kids for her.

Where does she stand legally? He still has his post going to her address and the bills are mounting up. She has no money and they are heavily in debt. Is there a time limit on how long he can continue being away and out of touch before she can go and see what she can claim as a single parent? Does he have to agree he isn't coming home and that their marriage is over before she can claim anything? If so how does that happen if he is uncontactable.

She desperately wants to plan ahead and sort out what she can claim for but she is in such limbo she doesn't know what to do.

Me and DH seperated so i had to do this , and it wasnt as bad as i expected.
She needs to ring tax credits who will only want to know when he moved out and will probably backdate it.She will be able to get help with the cost of childcare too.
Same with council tax as she will get a discount.
There wasnt any awkward questions , they just wanted the date he moved out.

If he does come back in a few weeks , months its just a case of ringing them up and letting them know her circumstances have changed.

She can claim housing benefit immediately as she becomes a single parent as soon as he moves out. She should also notify tax credits as they will stop taking his income into account and she should get more. There is no time period she just needs to declare that he has moved out. She should also notify his bank etc that he is no longer at the address. She may find she's not too hard up.

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That's just the problem tho...he hasn't moved out. He hasn't been back for any of his belongings - he only has a couple of changes of clothes on him and that's it. She has texted him and told him to come and get his stuff but he's not replied. I've told her I'm happy to drive down to where she thinks he's staying - about 2hr drive away - taking her with me to confront him but she doesn't feel she should have to.

She works and loves her job. She doesn't want to give her job up and she works a fair number of hours per week. Their bank account is joint but it is heavily overdrawn, not helped by the fact that he keeps withdrawing from it. When she gets paid she takes all her wages out now and keeps it at home so she's got some cash handy. She's paying the rent too - which is full rent.

He isn't saying that he wants to come home - not keeping in touch isn't helping. The last time she saw him - a good two weeks ago - he said he didn't know what he wanted. She's not heard from him since.

It's handy to know that she can go and register the fact he's left her and try to get the ball rolling re the financial side. She can't carry on like this - she's been so tolerant of him and so patient. Their kids - the youngest being 11 - are so mixed up - they've had such a bloody awful Christmas too. So sad.

He has moved out if he's not living there. She needs to tell the bank and get the account frozen. Does she have one of her own?

contact CAB?

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I will speak to her and suggest she open up her own account but I think she's not too keen on doing this because it seems a bit more final, iyswim. She's scared of being a single parent, she's scared of being on her own - she doesn't have much in the way of family/friends which is why I've helped her out a fair bit over the last few weeks. Initially she bagged up all his stuff, then unpacked it all, washed it all, ironed it all thinking he was coming back and staying for good...and now its all in bags again. She's really confused by it all. She knows her marriage is over - she's even removed her wedding ring but she's holding on to that hope that he may, just might, come back and all will be ok again. I can't tell her what to do but I know she's worried about money and it's hard, as a mate, to tell her she's got to get on and sort her finances out and put herself and the kids first and not to sit and wait for him to return which I doubt very much he will do now.

Thanks for that hedgewitch. I keep telling he may come back and she keeps telling me he won't. She's right cos if he can't even be bothered to keep in touch he hardly cares for or loves her does he?

He did a disappearing act a few weeks ago...said he was going to work - he didn't come home at the end of his shift. We went out looking for him thinking he'd had an accident and was lying in a ditch unnoticed. He'd only cleared off to London....and not even been to work. I knew then there was more to it but she believed he'd gone out with his mates for a drink and didn't even mind he'd lied to her about going to work.

I'm sorry but I'd have thrown his belongings out in bin liners at that point but she's hung on ever since hoping he'll come home. Six weeks later and she's still waiting.

Korma - yes we had a nice Xmas thanks. Hows it with you? A little something for me eh? Oh, how exciting!!

I'm just off round to my mate's place, the one who this thread is about, to help her pack her DH's stuff - she's texted him and told him to come and pick it all up - she's given him till Friday to do so....bin day.

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I hate to say this but it sounds like he has moved in with somebody else, leaving his stuff at your friends incase it doesnt work out.

on the other hand if he has had a breakdown of sorts it will do no harm to inform the housing association et al that he has moved out. His GP will back this should he recover and want to move back in. these things do happen.

At the moment whilst he has access to the bank account he could be supporting another woman or ultimately another family...how would your friend feel about that? shes working too.

Ive been blunt...as ever with other peoples problems ...never with my own.

Thanks for your posts...funnily enough I was talking to DH about all this last night cos we still can't quite believe he's cleared off...you get used to seeing someone around don't you? Anyway I did say to DH that I'd wondered if he'd moved in with someone else cos how else can he manage with things like personal items (toothbrush, shaver etc) and getting his clothes washed etc etc. Evidentally he's been unfaithful before so this won't be the first time. It's just the not knowing when to go and report the fact he's moved out to the benefits people...presumably 6wks is now long enough? She isn't keen on going down this route because, if she's honest with herself, she's held out this long to wait for him to return and for everything to be back to normal.

It wont hurt to report it right now. Because if he does return all she does is tell them he's returned.

She would be claiming for now, not next week or next month.

When she calls today, shes a single parent.

In the meantime why should she suffer financial hardship because of a timescale.

He's not replying to messages left for him to come and pick his belongings up. What does she do about that? Is she obliged to store it all for him or can she dump it?

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He's just texted to say he's coming up this weekend 'to have a talk'...yea right. Believe it when it happens.