Not sure about what to do re DH.

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

Things are not great atm between us. Niether of us are happy. It seems like life is one big long argument and I don't have the energy to deal with it anymore. Right now I am just not speaking to him at all because any conversation we have turns to a fight and if I have to have one more argument with him I will cry.

This xmas is not a great time for him tbh. It is probably the last xmas will we have with his nephew and DH seems to be taking this out on me more than ever.

I want things to work, there was a time when we were happy together. I don't know if it has gone to far to get back to that stage now?

He thinks when we move things will be better between us as there will be less to argue about. I think he is thinking this new house is going to be a magic cure and all we have to is sit back and wait for things to get better and that won't happen. TBH I think moving will make things worse. It is HIS house and he expects it to be kept spotless, whereas I like the children to be able to play freely and if a bit of glitter goes on the floor or a drink is spilt it doesn't bother me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just know taht it can't carry on this way. I have suggested to him that we have a break from each other several times but he won't leave and we have no where else to go. I know that I don't put much of an effort into our relationship and that I could try harder, but when I do it seems to be a one way thing and is never appreciated or reciprocated.

I am so sorry, I feel your pain.

Is there a chance of him changing?
Or has he always been the same, e.g. 'his house' etc?

also feel your pain.

and I think, basically, it is not HIS house it is YOUR home too.

why do men have these controlling issues?

sorry, my last question was rhetoric.

moving house is on of the most stressful things you can do, and coupled with an imminent bereavement, i think it could trigger a massive crisis.

read your other thread where you said DH did not like you working and was making you late by causing arguments about your fidelity.

you can either go to relate, together or alone. see a lawyer, or wait it out and see if things get better.

what do you want

I want it to work I just know how we can make that happen.

He seems to be over the work thing now, he just gets a bit moody when it stops him being able to go out .

he tells me its my home too and that he will contribute to keeping it nice as much as I do, but then in the next breath he will say something like "and if your cats are going to keep doing that in my house they are not coming"

All I want is for us to be able to spend some time together without him starting arguments about money/housekeeping/animals/dd1. Maybe have a nice meal with some wine and watch a film together like we used to. I don't think that is too much to ask?

Are you sure you really want to move into this house? I don't know if you have any other options, but it sounds to me like it will be a lot worse if everything is "what have you done to MY HOUSE". I could not live like this, are you sure he is not going to be all control freaky about it?

No I'm not sure he won't get control freaky over it, but I really want this to work so if he thinks moving will help then I will give it a go. BUT I am going to make sure I have an escape plan in the form of a months rent in advance and a deposit stashed at my mums house .

my ex was like that.get out asap. they never change. local womens group can help with benefits housing etc.the kids will benefit in long run if both parents happy

He won't leave/move out? Sorry, have I missed something? Why? If you feel the need to go on a break he should respect that and not refuse to leave the house. This worries me a lot.

Also the things he said about your cats would have alarm bells ringing with me. He's trying to reassure you that things will be equal, but his real attitude keeps slipping out from beneath the facade. I know comments like run a mile' aren't helpful, so I would say don't move in with him, reconsider that break in fact. Sounds like you need it. And yes I would go to Relate or something, I suppose. But I have my doubts about men like that - he sounds pretty controlling.
Hope you get your sanity back soon x

The "my house" is control freaky and I wouldn't even want to flat share with someone who referred to our home in this way. (trivial but I do have sympathy with him over the cats though. If a cat walked over my kitchen worktops I'd think yuk too.)

I don't think a move will help either because it is the worry over his nephew which seems to be the problem. Has your DH got depression?

If you both want it to work (and it sounds like you both do) then would definetly recommend some kind of counselling.

If this is not going to happen (for whatever reason) could you both perhaps write down what it is you like and dislike about each other and then discuss it (sounds a bit daft but could be a good starting point) constructively without shouting?

I do wash the worktops you know! Before and after each use as I am aware that the cats walk on them and tbh I don't like them doing it either but I can't watch them every second of every day!

Yes I think he depressed and I have recomended that he see a counsellor but he says he feels selfish seeing a counsellor when his sister, who is facing losing her eldest child is coping. Though she has admitted to my mum that she is also worried about how he is dealing with this and thinks he needs to talk to someone.

He has always been a little controlling though so this is not just about his nephew, it's just that what he is going through atm seems to be making him a lot worse.

Most of the control issues I try my best to ignore and am getting better at doing so, i.e. he will try and start and argument wioth me if I am having a night out so that I have a strop and refuse to go. This has stopped now. He tried every trick in the book last time I went out ending with him telling me I was a bad mother leaving my children when they had had no dinner. I still went this time though.

I am making him sound awfull when he is not really that bad, he does have his good points, he took on dd1 and treats her as his own he is not violent and I know that I can trust him 110%.

I would just like more support from him. And him telling me I look nice occasionally wouldn't go a miss either.

he does sounds bad. taking dd1 if he leaves you. emotional blackmail if you go out. making you feel like second best. making no effort to make time for the two of you...

Is he behaving this way mainly because he's under stress, or is it simply how he is/how he treats you?

If behaviour is stress related (and thus hopefully will improve when stress abates), then I would try to be more tolerant. Maybe just don't take the 'bait' when he says/does something unreasonable?

I know it is completely different, but I have found if dd is moody/horrible things will definitely escalate if I engage with her and/or react to her. I have learned that sometimes it is better to ignore and let the moment pass. I simply don't respond/react.

Obviously a dh is far different, but if this is not long term sort of behaviour, then try to ignore/rise above. If it is 'normal' behaviour, then I think counselling is in order and possible a rethink/re-evaluation of your marriage.

I don't think he is using that as a threat to get me to stay with him because he knows he is not capable of physically removing the children from my arms, which he knows he would have to do. It's to undermine my confidence in myself i.e. "If you ever did leave me I would take the children because you are not fit to look after them"

I also make no effort so I can't just blame him. Its down to me too. It's just that I feel I can't do right for doing wrong iyswim? Whatever I do is never enough so I just don't bother anymore. He wants me to make more of an effort in the house so I will spend a whole day gutting the house and then he will come in and say "well I can you see that you have tried to do something but you still have a lot to do don't you?"

We never have sex because I don't feel in the mood for it anymore and he takes this as s sign of me not loving him anymore.

Earlybird its excaserbated by the stress but he has always been this way. Just not so extreme.

sounds a little like my ex. who turned out to be very controlling although I couldnt see it whilst it was happening.

He always said it was my house not his...he hated that fact and threw it in my face alot. I tried saying it was our home, it didnt work
he also once said that I should move out with my 3 children after a row and that he wasnt going anywhere.

His jealousy was phenominal..the cause of most arguments, although they were twisted onto my fault...he told me he had never argued before in his life until he met me!

I made excuse after excuse for his behaviour, believing it to be my fault the rows happened.

I too thought he wasnt that bad, because he cared for me when I am sick and in hospital. he had his good points.

But then I realised love isnt conditional. i shouldnt have to do what he wanted for him to love me.

it was when I ended it he turned physically violent, it was on its way

Councelling is always good.
Think about what you want and need.
Think about the children.
Think about spending the rest of your life like this.

and finally. if Mummy isnt happy, then neither are the children.

Sounds as if you both blame each other for problems, neither makes much of an effort for selves or each other, alot of sniping/accusations, that you talk 'at' each other rather than 'to' each other, etc.

Sounds as if some objective and professional guidance is needed. Get signed up for counselling asap.

Yeah thats exactly how it is Earlybird but he won't go to counselling. And I cant physically make him.

I suppose I should try and make more effort and hopefully it will eventuallt=y be reciprocated? Or will he just start taking the piss? i.e. doing even less in the house because I am doing more etc.

just because he won't go to counselling doesn't mean that you can't. You can attend relate on your own. It can help give you the tools to talk openly about things and perhaps get your partner to open up as well. It could also give you confidence to make your own decisions.

Agree with Idrank. You can go alone to Relate (or something similar) if you need/want to. Or maybe someone on here can suggest some books that could be helpful to both of you?

Something needs to change, and imo, you need to work at it together as a team instead of separately. Tbh, the way you describe things, you both sound entrenched in opposing positions, and it doesn't sound as if you like each other very much atm.

I can relate to what your husband is going through and his reluctance to seek medical help especially in the circumstances when his sister is going through hell. If I were in his shoes then the only thing that might induce me to go for help (anti-depressants to start with) is if someone told me that I needed to be strong for my sister, so I owed it to her to get help for myself.

If you say to him that you need him to get help to make your life better then he won't do it, no matter how nicely and gently you phrase it. I know you would not say these words but if he is depressed and its coming out as anger then he will hear this irrespective of how you say it.

I think if he could sort his depression out, then your relationship might well improve too. At least it would give you some breathing space.

I do sympathise with you. I imagine that living with someone who is behaving like that would be hell.