Friend is bulimic: none of my business or should i say something?

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

Name changed for this one.....

I have a friend who recently lost 2 -3 stone very quickly. She was very stressed at work and said that she had lost her appetite. However, shortly before that she had been advised by a GP to lose some weight and so she started calorie counting. When she was so very stressed, she said that she was having only 500 cal a day. The weight fell off her and she looked really good.

We recently went out for supper. She had previously told me that she was bulimic when she was younger and I think it is back again: she drank as much as me, ate more, but went to the loo at least 4 times. I went once!

By the end of the night, she had fallen asleep in a chair in the bar (!) so I ordered a taxi and helped her stand up. She stank of puke. She could not stand and needed me to guide her to the taxi. She fell about in the back of the taxi until I put my arm around her to stop her.

She is a lovely and very intelligent person, has a lovely family, new career etc. We are newish friends but get on like a house on fire. (sorry if this is going on a bit...). We drank a lot, but not enough for us to get as out of hand as she was and I think the reason why this happened was because she was rushing off to the loo to vomit.

What do I do if anything??? Is it any of my business?? Should I just keep out of it - surely she knows what she is doing???WWYD.

Hiya you sound like a lovely friend Yes she will know what she is doing and probably be aware of all the dangers if she has suffered before but to her it may be that this is her way of coping. Its not just about food and eatin but about havin some control over areas of your life that feel out of control, this to her is her old familiar friend. And however bad it makes her feel its also a comfort and an addiction. She will be physically exhausted if shes not getting enough nutrients.

What was formerly the eating disorders association now called b-eat can be helpful to friends and family of those suffering from an ed. I would say you could ask her if shes ok as she doesnt seem herself, if shes told you shes been bulimic in the past then you could ask if shes having problems with this again.

Thanks, Reindeer! I don't consider myself a lovely friend at the moment because I am actually cross with her for ruining the evening. It was unnecessary to behave as she did - but I see what you mean about the addiction and control elements.

She sent me a text the next morning, and was clearly dying of embarrassment because she could not remember half the night. I said that all was okay and that we were both drunk etc but the truth is that I am pissed off about it!

I will have a look at the website. Thanks so much for replying to a not particularly interesting post of mine!

I would tell her you are concerned for her and ask her if you can help her.

please don't be annoyed with her, she'll be mortified enough anyway

If she was my friend, someone I wanted to consider a 'friend', I would have to say something. Good luck.

you're right, dinny. she is very very embarrassed so I should be kinder. best I just get over the night myself and then handle her with the care she needs. I love her very much and would hate for her to be so ill. she has also had other horrible things happen so the last thing she needs is me being huffy about one night out!!!

She either is so ill she really is out of control or in a way she wanted you to see, of course she wont admit that but perhaps she wants to be caught. bulimics are usually very very good at hidin it and would cover up the sick smell well - mints, perfume. and would leave if they felt that ill rather than risk being caught. the fact shes told you other stuff though might mean she wants you to call her on it.

however as a friend there isnt much you can do, she needs professional help. you could encourage her to go to her gp or contact b-eat.

I would suggest you tread very very very carefully. People with eating disorders are mentally ill and need help. If they are not ready to accept that they get very angry with those they perceive as intefering with what is "normal" for them.

I can't agree with reindeer that she wants you to call her on it. She might do now, or tomorrow, but in a week she will have rationalised her behaviour again to herself and you will be the problem not the solution. Other than encourage her to seek professional help if she gives any suggestion of being ready to do so, there is nothing you can do.

I speak from bitter experience of being very good friends with a bullimic.

What georgimama said is right about treading carefully, she may suddenly see you as the enemy otherwise. her ed is her friend - no matter how much it hurts her its always there for her to fall back on. I just mean that it does seem though that she has told you a fair bit and perhaps is looking to confide in you so i would gently ask if theres anything you can do etc.

How is your friend now geori?

avoid socialising around food and alcohol to take some of the pressure off her?

we see each other a lot because I childmind her son but don't really have the time to socialise all that much. the few times we have done so, she has passed out each time! not sure if there was bulimia involved.

my DH reckons it is none of my business and part of me agrees. but it, atm anyway, has affected our friendship a little.

georgi, are you and your friend sorted now or did the friendship end completely?

i was wondering if my OP would be ignored as being a bit dull or if i would be slated for getting involved with something that was nothing to do with me, but I am glad I did raise the issue. I don't understand much about bulimia so even the bit of info in the posts about has opened my eyes. Thanks, everyone.

Friendship ended completely, very very acrimoniously. We were at uni and only 20. It was a very unhappy experience.

Avoiding social situations with this lady based on food and drink is probably a good idea - I lived with my bullimic friend so that was difficult for me!!

Gosh thats a difficult situation if you are her CM. If she wants to talk then I guess she knows where you are, trouble is like any other addiction the sufferer can't get better until they 100% want to. Thats not to say she enjoys the way she is now/wants to stay like that its just if you dont want to get better then you can have all the help in the world and it isn't enough. So dont feel bad that theres not much you can do, if her leg was broken you would advise her to see a dr, same with this. Yes you can listen and sympathise but like a broken leg its a complex problem and needs a professional.

I be brief here as hate bringing up the past but I was bulimic from the age of 16 to 25. If your friend is anything like `i was, she will be desperate for someone to recognise what she has. The problem is very few people speak up because they know they'll be opening a can of worms that may drag them in too deeply - which i totally understand. However as Georgimama suggests, if you want to help, tread carefully. My best friend at the time (and she still is) was there for me all the way through. She would hug me when I looked really thin and tell me how scared she was that I wasn't going to get better. She didn't force anything on me but the one moment that I will always remember (and a bit of a turning point) is when she burst into tears and told me that she couldn't bear to see me looking terrible any more - I could see that it was tearing her apart and something clicked. I was still bulimic after that for years but was definitely conscious that what I was doing was hurting other people. No one is cured of this disease. I still have moments when I almost regress - especially when I'm under extreme pressure- but I look at my DD and know that I can't put her through the upset I caused family and friends in the past.
You sound like a great friend.

Sorry I didn't finish - not very brief, am I?!!
I wouldn't change how you are with her. If you are new-ish friends, she may feel that she can't completely open up to you yet - so if you can, just stick with her through the good and bad times. I personally wouldn't avoid social situations with food or drink. Think the more that she realises that she can enjoy herself around these things the less they will matter. It will be obvious to her that you are doing this as well and will only make her more insecure. Bulimics binge secretly anyway, so its pointless.
Good luck - she can get better but only when she has resolved the issues that brought this back on. To the outsider it is a very selfish disease but we don't ask for it, it just takes over and then becomes part of our life. God knows I'd love to turn back the clock and I'm sure your friend feels the same way.

i appreciate what you said, brightongirl, thanks! reindeer, yes it does change things with me being her CM. have to be really careful for all concerned.