Breaking up...the aftermath

[Pen67]

Hi
Three weeks ago I plucked up the courage and ended a two year relationship because I wasnt happy with the way things were going. I realised he was controlling me in various ways...ive read all the threads...classic case.

I have 3 girls. I am their role model. I had to end it.

my ex then turned nasty and very abusive, physically shoving me infront of neighbours and in the end I went to the police for advice.
It wasnt an easy split... I stood up to him. he destroyed stuff in my house, ripped up my birth certificate and cut up my Ann Summers equipment!!

To cut a long story short he scarpered pretty quick and after returning to remove some of his stuff, hes stayed quiet...almost too quiet.

Whats the problem I hear you ask?

He's left items of his property which are valuable, a motorbike amongst other things and is ignoring my requests to remove them.
he left last Christmas and did the same, with his bikes and didnt return the keys but this time I have been much stronger, and changed the locks.
last time I let him back. This time its impossible.

he asked me to call and when I phoned him about money he owed me (£5k) and his possessions he was abusive and shouted at me it was over. I got the impression he was with friends, and had told them a different story.

I just want everything gone, legally i will have to take him to the small claims for the money.
Technically i own the bike,but again i wud have to go to court to prove ownership.

I dont want to be accused of theft.
To be frank, I think i could let it go to get him out of my life. my health is poor, i have brittle asthma triggered by stress.

In your opinion ladies is he just being as awkward as possible to "punish" me or is it what Im dreading, that hes going to try and come back, leaving his stuff like a foot in the door.

Surely if you dont want to be with someone you get out of their lives forever and remove your stuff?

Has anyone been through anything similar?
Any advice Please?

YOu might want to consult CAB/a solicitor about the finer points of this if you want to retain and sell the items to get back the money he owes you (you can't just decide to do this, if property belongs to another person you cannot take it in lieu of debt payment without official authorisations) , but if you just want his stuff gone then you can tell him it has to be collected by/on a certain date - you can either have a friend round if you are worried he may become violent, or you can tell him that the items will be boxed and in the garden but that you will not let him in the house.

Thanks Solidgoldstuffingballs.

I thought about the legal route but it means hes in my life for longer.

I just want it gone to be honest and have done the latter its outside.
I could even put the bike on the public highway i suppose..hes responsible then.

He's ignored all my requests of a timescale etc. Ive even thought of taking it to his mothers but he "suggested" that wasnt a good idea. insinuating his friends wouldnt like his mother upset!

I guess I will have to sit tight.
I feel safe.

Thanks again

agree with SG, you should see a solicitor, just once to draw up a formal letter to sort this.

I had an abusive ex and I have seen other friends go down that route. I suspect you are right about how he's keeping stuff there to keep a connection with you & continue speaking (abusing) you in the future.

FWIW, maybe your local police station could keep the bike and other items as he's got a history of abusing you and refuses to take his stuff away. I'd suggest you speak to the police officers to ask what you should do and record time, date & person you spoke to to make sure you're staying on the right side of the law. Also, they can advise you but don't charge money FWIW, said ex of mine still owes me £££ but I've written it off, much better for my health. Don't look back hun, for the sake of your girls, you've done the right thing. Wishing you a good 2009!

Just read you could dump it at his Mum's. Dump it there!!! Poor lady as she is you shouldn't care about "upsetting" her. You have your own sanity and your dds' safety to consider. Inform police though and tell them he's threatening you. Change your fon no. and have do it with a friend (dumping the bike) and have friend stay at yours afterwards in case ex gets spikey. Good luck!

Thankyou Thankyou for your imput and support. just telling you has made things OH so much clearer. he isolated me from people and the few Ive got left have never had experience of this, By the very nature of Domestic Violence noone knew...even I hadnt really worked it out..ive been so sick i was grateful for him being around. Victim Support and your posts on gaslighters and abusive partners confirmed this. His friends and family of course think hes the victim he was so good at playing!

in the night I had already thought of the letter writing route. making up an inventory of stuff and sending one to him one to his mother including the time limit as suggested by SG

Ive never been allowed to meet the lady so my emotions shouldnt really come into play...another issue of control I guess.

which is why I feel so much better because half of my frustration was that he still was controlling me when he wasnt even here!!! controlling what i did and is probably buzzing off the fact that I was contacting him which fuels his theory that I am not letting him go.

I was even beginning to believe that theory myself! and maybe it was me holding on...

which is why I questioned the point about wanting to leave and removing all possessions therfore severing the connection.

So a legal letter it is. the fones are all being changed when i have £.

in future I would like a contingency of twenty five of your finest ladies here on a panel to vet my prospective bf...

is that possible?

Im glad I found you.
TY