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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Who does your baby go to for hugs/reassurance?

14 replies

pamelat · 27/12/2008 19:57

I was going to put this in AIBU but I perhaps want more constructive criticism?

My DD is 11 months. Struggled initially but feel that at 5 months I kind of got the hang of it, and we are ok now.

She is our first child.

There are numerous things that my mum and MIL do or say that make me feel a bit undermined but I am really trying to take it lightly (as I do over react in life) and to try to accept that they are just trying to be involved.

One thing has started to bother me though with my otherwise nice MIL.

When my DD cries, perhaps if she is teething, tired or falls over, DD looks to me and puts her arms out (even if playing happily with someone else, she is quite independent in general) I go to comfort her/hug her and MIL (or SIL if she is there too) always step in and pick her up instead. Normally at this point DD continues to look for me.

I know it isn't a competition but that is how it is starting to feel.

We don't see SIL very often but we see both sets of GP's weekly or so.

Or is it good for her to learn that other people can comfort her? I really dont know. I just feel that at 11 months old she is saying "Ouch had enough now, I want my mummy"

Or am I too resentful of this and being PFB?

I dont like to see my crying baby in someone elses arms looking at me and wondering why I havent gone to her?

OP posts:

MatNanPlusTINSEL · 27/12/2008 20:01

I would speak up and say to your DD when she wants YOU "i am coming DD" even if they get to her, still go over and be ready to lift her as soon as she leans towards you.

Say something like "Ah, did SIL/MIL/GM give you a nice cuddle" to try and forestall any bitchy comments they might make.

Original poster

pamelat · 27/12/2008 20:04

Thank you Matnan, so its not me being silly?

I am a bit worried that by being "polite" about it, I am letting DD down.

I am quite shy by nature but not when it comes to DD or DH!

The "nice cuddle" is a good idea, thank you.

OP posts:

ceciliaaherne · 27/12/2008 20:06

They are just trying to have a close relationship with her. If she really wants you, she will kick up a fuss and should go to you. Otherwise, I would let them, while making soothing noises in the background. I agree it can be hard, but I do think it is probably better she can be comforted by others. There are times when my dcs have looked to others for comfort before me ( as they have got older) and that can be sad, but you can't get too prcious about it. You want to know that there are other people who can give your child (almost) everything she gets form you so that you are comfortable leaving her if need be. By the way, i could never have written this with my first but I was a tru psycho

Original poster

pamelat · 27/12/2008 20:08

Its hard isn't it when every emotional instinct is to go to them but instead you sit back.

DD looks very angry with me in these situations

OP posts:

MatNanPlusTINSEL · 27/12/2008 20:08

Your not being silly at all Pamalat.

They will still comment but you know deep down you are doing the right thing and sod them.

Original poster

pamelat · 27/12/2008 20:18

and then I wonder whether they are trying to give me a "break" in some way too, especially MIL (who has been good).

I am on a years maternity leave so am with DD all the time.

I just feel that I fail DD by not going over.

OP posts:

sweetgrapes · 27/12/2008 20:27

I remember being 12 with a broken arm and only 'Mum' would do.

No, you are not being silly.

If DD is looking to you and not cheering up then yes you have all right to step in and take over.

However, it's great to have others around who can comfort. I don't have any reatives close by and can never hand them over to anyone else.

BouncingTinsel · 27/12/2008 20:27

My ds is like this too, Pamelat - when he is very upset only mummy will do!

However if she does calm down when MIL/SIL pick her up, of course leave her, but I would be proactive and take her off whoever has her, smile at the and say thank you Grandma/Aunty for giving dd a hug but I will take her now.

Original poster

pamelat · 27/12/2008 20:32

Thank you.

At the moment I leave her and she looks and leans to me crying, I try to leave her and if she is screaming, I fail and say "come to mummy" and just take her (!) ..... will make sure I am nice to the initial comforter too!

At the moment I think I am a bit resentful that they have delayed her being ok and kind of undermined me (???), but I know they mean well and when she is older it will be lovely for her to find comfort with them, especially if I am not there.

OP posts:

wintersapproaching · 27/12/2008 20:40

My MIL was like this too with my DD, whilst I agree it is nice for your child to feel comforted by another close member of the family, if you are in eye shot of your DD then it is perfectly natural for her to not be calmed until she is in your arms. Dont worry about her feeling you've let her down, not at all but I know the looks you means as I've now got a 12mth DS.

Its not right you feel undermined by anyone, you are her mother and you know best.

Original poster

pamelat · 27/12/2008 20:41

Thank you, its all such a steep learning curve and I genuinely think that I do know best for her but around other people that sometimes feels tested

OP posts:

PinkPoinsettias · 27/12/2008 20:51

i just firmly remove my child from the grasp of whoever has picked them up initially and carry on as if i was the first one there

most friends and family have already gathered that dd especially will just keep screaming for me and that there's no point in trying to rush to her ahead of me.

dp's dad still does it and i have to practically wrestle him to get the kids back from him but as far as i'm concerned if my child is crying for me then sod anyone who gets between me and my baby.... politness will resume once my child is comforted.

Fleurlechaunte · 27/12/2008 21:01

My MIL was like this to the point of us having an unseemly tussle in the garden as I tried to take ds off her as he was reaching for me. She used to sort of swerve with him in her arms so I couldn't get to him. Still angry when I think about it now.

Dd however has no time for anyone but me at anytime, will tolerate her dad but only if absolutely necessary , I love it.

You sound like you are trying so hard to do the right thing and being considerate of how your MIL and SIL will feel when tbh I wouldn't care about that at all. She is your dd, she wants you, you get to her. You are not overreacting in anyway to want to do that. She is little, she wants you, don't let anyone else make you feel undermined. It is hard with the first, you are finding your way. I am much stronger with the inlaws with regards to dc than I was when ds (pfb) was small.

Original poster

pamelat · 28/12/2008 10:05

Thanks, think I am trying to do the right thing because I know that my heart wants to do what could be the "wrong" thing ... !

Snatch her back and storm off shouting!!

My DH is always telling me to think of how all everyone wants to do is what is right by DD. But with this crying/reaching thing I believe the right thing (for now) is for her to be with me.

OP posts:

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