It has taken me a year but ive now filed for Divorce!!

[debbsyandsonne]

Not been on here for ages,for those who remember me (tried to keep my name similar)
But ive done it went to see solicitor December and he gets the papers January,took me a very long time to make this decision and despite warning him for 12 mths,that the way he was treating me and being was driving nail after nail in to the coffin of our marriage until i had nothing left in me for him.
I dont love him anymore at all and just want to move on with my life.
i have a little boy 2 and just want whats best for him and growing up in an enviroment of argueing isnt.The rows are daily and i feel like im stepping on egg shells im called stupid every day,when im the main breadwinner and earn double what he does lol.Well enough is enough and im now changing my life but could do with the support for those who have been through this as things are getting nasty already as he will not accept its over,and he wants joint custody of our son and i need advice there please?
We are still in the same house but im going to be renting v v soon as he wont leave and says we have to stay in the house together until its sold.Which i cannot do i cant eat i cant sleep and my stomach is full of knots constantly.
thanks in advance for advice

firstly well done for having the courage to take such a big step, its not easy.
With regards to YOU moving out of the house into rented accommodation, I'm sure your solicitor would advise against this (as would I). You and your DS need to stay in the matrimonial home and if you move out you could disadvantage yourself. In particular, there will be absolutely no incentive for your husband to co-operate with the selling of the house and if he won't willingly do so and you need to make a formal application to the Court for an Order for sale, it could be up to a year (if not longer) before you get an order for sale. If HE is out of the house, he is more likely to want it sold to get his share of the equity (you should however get the lionshare to enable you and your DS to re-house although there may have to be calculations done to take into account him getting 'his' share at a later date).
If things become unbearable still both being under the same roof then obviously you will need to reconsider things but should he become violent, or even abusive, you may have grounds to apply to the Court for a non-molestation/occupation Order (basically types of injunction) which if granted would allow you to remain in the house and him to be excluded.
With regards to joint 'custody' (now called residence) the Courts have the 'no order principle' in that they will only make an order if there is a dispute and if its in the best interests of the child. The starting point is usually that the child will usually stay with mum (particularly given his young age) but obviously your husband could make an application to the Court for a Residence Order if he was not happy with this. If this happened, then it would be a quite long drawn out process and a court official (a CAFCASS officer) would normally be appointed to report on the situation. Good luck to you and in particular when he receives the divorce papers which will no doubt be a difficult time for you both.

Mumoverseas thanks for the advice,yes my solicitor has advised me not to leave,but things are getting unbearable nice to nasty on at me constantly its relentless,i want him to go but he just wont even though his parennts live very close by and thats where he is going to live,hes just being very awkward and thinks he has me trapped becos of the way the housing market is,hes told me i stay there with him until the house is sold,no way can i do that.Secondly my son he wants 3.5 days a week then me the other half.I said he could have him on a monday and tuesday nite then every other weekend so on his weekends he has him for nearly 5 days!! Which is going to be very hard on me but i dont want my son not to have contact with his dad.
Horrible situation to be in and i just want to see some light at the end of this dark tunnel.

debbsy of course you want him to continue to have contact with his son but that doesn't mean he has to have him half of the time. You have to do what is best for your son. At his age now, maybe he would adjust to shared care but think what would happen when he started school? It would get very difficult then and he would be one of those poor kids who never knew where his stuff was. Not a nice thing for any child.
The main problem you have at the moment is your husband is bitter and angry. He is not getting his own way and will want to punish you. Refusing to move out and threatening to have your son for half the time is his way of dealing with things. Hopefully things will calm down within a week or so of him getting the divorce papers (hopefully once he has instructed his own solicitor)
with a bit of luck things will then calm down (particularly once he has been advised of the costs of him making a residence application!) and you will be able to sort out a reasonable (normal) pattern of contact. In my experience, alternate weekends and perhaps once evening mid week tend to work best although whilst your DS is still young maybe instead of alternate weekends you could start off with one day each at the weekends and when he is older you could then switch to alternate weekends (which would then give you both the opportunity to have a weekend to take your son away if you wanted and the other weekend you'd have to yourself - useful if you have a new partner by then!) try not to worry too much about it all and please try to stay put in the FMH (house) if you can x

Exactly thats what i dont want my son to be confused in any way,hes very bitter and just keeps saying i brought this on by myself so deal with it!!
which i didnt i have done everything to try and make it work,but i now have nothing left in me to give.He keeps asking me for sex and tryin to touch me and stuff which is really irritating me now.
Your idea of a day each at weekends and a nite in the week seems good i will suggest this.... thank you x

debbsy I remember you from ttc boards really hope things work
Out for you x x x

well done debs, you've taken a huge step toward a better life.
I dont know your history, but it certainly sounds like you have done the best thing for yourself and ds.
I have a little girl who is 2 next month and I put my divorce papers in 2 or 3 weeks ago. It was such a relief!
Keep us updated and hang on in there.

thanks Piffle xx
Miss cathcart thats how i felt relieved too like a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders only to be replaced with a constant state of anxiety!!
How are you coping??

I'm coping ok thank you. I think my situation is rather different though.
My ex kicked me out (yep!) with my then 10m old, last december. He said he wasnt sure how he felt, he may have feelings for someone else, and needed time to think. I had NOT seen that coming!
I promptly got myself and dd a new place to rent within a week, hoping he would have some time to think and realise how much he would lose. 3 weeks later (boxing day) he moved the ow in!!
Sooooo anyway, I'm so much better off now and happier. I've met someone wonderful who treats me how I should be treated etc. I feel more confidenet than I ever did when I was maaaied because I don't live with constant put-downs etc.

It has been a very hard month this December nonetheless, due to all the memories and hurt and anger. I was great to put the petition forward and feel like I was chosing to move on. Taking back control etc. I went to a bit of counselling this month too.
I think when you are in a situation its very difficult to see the wood from the trees, and its only when you come out the other side (which you will! ) that you need to take time to let it all sink in and accept and forgive/forget.

I wish you all the best through this and I really hope the whole legal procedure can go as smoothly as possible.

I would also add that a lot of the anger and hurt I've been getting over was to do with the fact that I feel like I was a pushover and let him stay in our home. At the time I felt like I was doing what I needed to to and getting some security but it didnt take long for me to look back and think 'what the hell did I do that for - I didnt do anything wrong!' really let myself down but I'm over it now.
I just wanted to say this because you are thinking of doing the same. I would stick to your guns if you can. keep your home, why let him have the easy ride?

I saw this thread and all i can really say is you've come a long way and be strong as it's a v hard thing to go through.It took me ages to actually take legal advice and I can't stress what a toll it actually takes on you both during and after even though the actual "love" is gone and gone a long time ago.
Tbh I think alot of the legal stuff I've put out of my mind so try as I might I can't really advise. but the emotional issues are still fresh.Hang on in there x

Please please talk to your solicitor again and see if you can get some sort of legal way compelling him to leave rather than you. He is being an arse out of bitterness, but this is a phase which will eventually pass. Then you will be kicking yourself, I'm sure. Good luck with your new start- I know this bit is vile, but I promise that by next christmas you will be a hundred times happier. Also, if you give in to his unpleasantness, it won't placate him, it will just stoke his conviction that if he behaves like a twat you will lie down and roll over, and he will crank it up a notch. Can you tell I've been there? honestly, the stronger you can be now, the quicker he will have to learn that he needs to act reasonably. Good luck my love, I really feel for you- "this too shall pass" was my mantra, and it will come good in the end for you too, I promise!

bitoffun - you said what I meant to. Wish I'd had someone like you last year. NOW I see it exactly as you have just said and, Debbsy, she's bloody right!!!

Debbsy,

I also remember you from the TTC threads. I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time but I fully agree with the advice about getting DH to move.

Remain strong and think of how much better this will be in the near future.

Well done you for taking this brave step.

You must stay in your home though I know the temptation to move out is very strong.
Make him move out.
Don't let him stay under the same roof as you while you sort everything out its a bloody nightmare believe me!
I tried this with my exh whilst trying to sell the family home(still up for sale!!)and endured 11months of sheer hell

Hi
I'm in a similar situation to you. I filed for divorce last month, and should be at the decree nisi stage very soon. Like you, I was the main breadwinner earning almost double what my husband was, however he has spent the last few years just being so nasty to me and worst still his family joined in. It got to the point where I really started to question myself because my self-esteem became so low. My family really noticed the change in my personality and I became ill suffering with IBS, hairloss, and bronchitis! Anyway I ended up moving back to my home town because I needed support from my family and its definately helped and my health has improved dramatically, I think the fact I have a well paid job helps as I'm sure I would have fallen apart completely otherwise

Hi
I'm in a similar situation to you. I filed for divorce last month, and should be at the decree nisi stage very soon. Like you, I was the main breadwinner earning almost double what my husband was, however he has spent the last few years just being so nasty to me and worst still his family joined in. It got to the point where I really started to question myself because my self-esteem became so low. My family really noticed the change in my personality and I became ill suffering with IBS, hairloss, and bronchitis! Anyway I ended up moving back to my home town because I needed support from my family and its definately helped and my health has improved dramatically, I think the fact I have a well paid job helps as I'm sure I would have fallen apart completely otherwise

anyway I just wanted to say if you ever want to rant or talk over anything let me know because its such a difficult situation to go through and sharing your thoughts etc definately helps!

Holly
look at the thread on lone parents about the positives
it will cheer you up no end