What do you do? Advice please problems with another child in family.

[leoleomakingalist]

Older sister has GS same age as my ds (big age gap between us).
Her ds is unable to look after his ds due to alcohol problems.
Her Gs's mother died (due to alcohol problems) approx 1 year ago and child was removed a few weeks before this by social services.
My sister now has custody. Her gs had behavior problems before she took over.
My sister has 4 ds's all grown up - they all have social problems and are doing nothing with their lives.
Sadly my sister is reaping what she has sewn with her children and now history is repeating its self with her gs.
He is disciplined in a really ineffective way - he is constantly shouted at when he is naughty (and he really is naughty) and smacked . Although he is never spoken to so it seems to me that he is never quite sure what he has done wrong. He will sometimes be told off and then immediatly given kisses and cuddles and the telling off has turned into a game .
I visit with my ds and my ds really likes visiting.
The problem is my sisters gs constantly hits my ds or pushes him and for no reason. For example we were leaving the other day and my ds was sitting on the hall floor when my sisters gs walked over to him and hit him around the head. My ds doesn't retaliate at all and looks really sad when this happens.

My questions are these:

1 - Should I stop visiting and if I do should I explain the problem to my sister.
I do not want to fall out with my sister and I fear saying this even if she understands would be awful for her

2 - We live very close to one another and they start school soon. Should I send my ds to a different school? I am worried that the school and other parents will assume that my ds is the same as they are related. As there is only one class they will become friends at school and my ds will have to become more like him to survive(?) or my ds will be bullied by him throughout his school life.

3 - What do you do when a child constantly hits or pushes your child? Do you teach them to retaliate (as I am constantly being told to do) or what?

Thank you - I hope this makes sense as the keyboard I am using is very small so I may have mistyped.

Are social services still involved? Can you speak to her social worker? There may be some parenting classes she can do.

Does your sister want to look after her GS, or is it something she feels she ought to do. If the latter, maybe she's not the best person to have custody. Does her GS have another set of grandparents?

My answers to your questions would be:

1. I'd stop visiting, for now, explain why and give details of the specific incidents that have lead to your decision. Maybe offer to meet in a neutral public place, like a park or duck feeding place instead

1. Personally, I'd look at other schools.

1. Haven't had this yet (DD is 7 weeks). Hope I'd teach her to walk away, but can't promise I wouldn't consider boxing lessons.

Thank you for replying.

Social services are no longer involved. I once spoke to a social worker when he was living with his mum and dad and explained that he was constantly being shouted at and sworn at and asked for her opinon on whether this was a ss matter and she said people bring thier children up differently ! Now he is treated much better although not the way I would want my ds to be treated.
I asked her if she wanted to have him and I did get the impression that it was more out of duty than actual wanting although my bil really does want him and is completely different to how he was with his own children. Although again not how I would want my ds treated.
I have taught him to walk away so far but my other sister and dp have told him to hit back but I can see in his eyes he doesn't want to. He is only 3.5yo and I think it is too much and too complex to teach him the different circumstances that hitting is 'acceptable'.
I think we are in agreement.
I would be interested to hear other peoples thoughts.
Thanks again.

Purely from the behaviour point of view (hitting your child), I think I'd either have to say something to your sister, or not meet up for a while. Perhaps ask nicely why he keeps hitting, and whether there's something wrong? I've seen this time and time again where children are being slapped or hit at home, they'll invariably copy this behaviour with other children.

By the time they both reach school, the behaviour may well have sorted itself out. However, if you are concerned, then look at other schools too - but don't tell your sister , or she may just decide to just plump for the same school as you choose (so you can help each other out with drop offs/pick ups etc.)

This is going to sound awful but the thought of standing in the playground with my sister f'ing and blinding and calling her gs names isn't the ideal way to make friends with the ther mothers is it?

Thank you for your insight regarding why he hits I have never thought of it like that.

He starts mornings next month at the school and my ds would be going to school full time in September so I can't see anything changing by then.