Why do I feel like I am the one having an affair??

[ichangedforthisbutiamaregular]

I have name changed but am regular if you recognise me please dont out me!
In a nutshell I have had a torrid few years - 3 years ago my H started an affair, I found out 6 months later and we were back and forth, until he got the OW pregnant, and then rapidly after me.....we have been seperated 2 years, I have DD2 now 1 and we are not together (have slept with him once foolishly after DD2 born months ago), he says he is not with OW I dont care anymore and am filing for divorce in Jan!
However, over last few months, I have hooked up with an old friend via FB,he is single and we have been chatting/MSNing a lot, he works away - he is lovely and things have certainly developed and he wants to meet up when he is next home in 2 weeks!
I am not really ready for a relationship and he knows this, but am enjoying the attention and time we spend together chatting and think we will meet
However I find I feel like I am cheating and lying - how can I be cheating, I dont live with my husband we have no relationship to talk of (other than him trying to control and manipulate me) so why do I feel so bloody guilty - I bet he didnt when he was doing it and at the time we were together, looking at new houses and trying for another baby not in the process of a divorce

I don't know- why do you feel guilty? what is going on in your mind when you say that?

Is your XH trying to come back, or making noises about 'trying again'? If so, has he any idea that you have been chatting to another man?
Because sometimes men who are unfaithful absolutely shit themselves if they get the mearest sniff that any of the women they have been lying to or dumping might actually have dared to start getting over them. Men like this will immediately start hanging round being charming and wistful and hinting about you being the one they 'really' loved, up until you decide to drop the potential new man. At which point the XP will scoot off over the horizon claiming he never wanted anything more than friendship from you and it;s a pity you can;t move on.... what these men can;t stand is not being the focus of every woman;s attention all the time.

I think probably it's all linked in your emotions to still being married to your H.
You sound like you need the closure of divorce before you can feel free to embark on another relationship, although you have done nothing wrong. You took your vows seriously, they meant something to you and sound like they still do. I'm not saying that you still want to be with your H or love him, just until that tie is gone you are going to feel some level of guilt when you try to move on. You never thought things would end up like this. Who would?
Can you take to your nm freely about how you are feeling? From the sounds of it he will understand and be patient.
File for divorce asap. You deserve some happiness.

And SGSB also makes a good point.

youve been seperated 2 years now, if you apply for a divorce you should get it very quick! you do deserve happiness, you have done nothing wrong and shouldnt be guilty!your ex is a fool.

Hello there!!

I wonder if it is more a case of you feeling nervous, scared even, about moving on and starting a new relationship. Sometimes we subconsciously find a reason, an excuse not to move forward just to protect ourselves from being hurt again. I wonder if this is what is happening to you.

FWIW you have absolutely no reason on this earth to feel guilty or otherwise regarding your exH. You don't need his permission or approval or anything else for that matter. It's none of his business. You just go for it, enjoy every minute of it!! x

Thank you yes I think you are all right to some extent!
Yes I took my vows seriously even when our marriage was bad I didnt go and find someone else so I guess even now I still "feel" married !
Yes, he doesnt want me to move on I have no doubt - am pretty sure he doesnt really want me but he certainly doesnt want anyone else to IYSWIM!
And yes TFM () as always spot on - I am terrified - this guy is just lovely, really lovely - I remember him from before and he was a sweetie then though we were both very young - if anything he has got better with age And is saying and doing all the right things perfectly - I have spoken to him (on MSN) at length about what has happened and how I feel, he is very understanding though I suspect (and he has admitted as much) he would like more though is prepared to wait and see how things pan out - and yes I am petrified to let myself like him too much, to trust him or myself, to believe that i deserve something good, to be treated well and cared for!!
So divorce and deal with STBXH and then we will see how it goes with NM but if nothing else he has sent my self esteem soaring, has reminded me how a decent man treats a woman and given me a bit of a boost in dealing with H

Do you know, I am overjoyed for you. This is exactly what you need, it's long overdue IMO! Now just chill and enjoy it Everything you are feeling is completely understandable after everything you have been through but, they are just that, feelings. Don't let these feelings get in the way and spoil things for you.

You get out there and have some fun!!!

Hello
Is it guilt from not letting yourself do something that is just for you and enjoy it? I know I am pretty terrible at it. You spend all your time giving to others, with your two dds, and at work ( hope I've got this right!) and it is ok to have fun. To flirt, to want to engage with this guy or any other that you might meet, to feel good about yourself, to enjoy attraction... you deserve all of these things. It is hard to feel that, but believe it - it's true.